August 13, 2008

Another Computer Update.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 10:14 pm

Yes, this post is coming to you from a borrowed computer (with the nipply and slidey thing, both of which drive me to distraction).

My friend Mike, the Computer Maven — bless his heart, spent the week while I was away doing absolutely all the necessary H-P troubleshooting and concluded that the problem is one of hardware, not software. Most likely, he figured, the problem is a smoked video card or two. The next step was to contact H-P.

Mike hopped online (as me) and initiated a chat with an H-P Support Person. Thank Christ I didn’t do it, because Mike described the problem with the precision beyond my ability. Then, the disembodied H-P Guy on the other end of the chat, suggested, “First, reset your computer to its factory settings.”

Full stop.

If that had really been me (and not Mike)on the other end of the chat, I would have said, “Excellent, and just how would I go about doing that?” This, of course, would have had the disembodiedH-P guy slamming his head against his keyboard, knowing that the chat could go on for days.

Fortunately, Mike responded that he already tried that, and then he went on to list the gazillion other things he tried and shared his conclusion with the disembodied H-P Guy.

After a very long pause, the disembodied H-P Guy pointed out that my warranty ran out about a month and a half ago.

“OK, thanks for that, but now what?”

Another long pause…….

The disembodied H-P Guy returned to the keyboard to advise me [Mike] that the problem appears to be with the video widget-gimcrack ginkus, and it can all be made well for $300.00 (The price includes shipping – Shipping included? Be still my farookin’heart!).

Sooooooper, I thought. Damned near brand new computer, and I’m looking at a Three-Benjamin repair bill.

The disembodied H-P Guy explained that I would be receiving a box to be used to return the computer to H-P and that they will fix it and return it to me in tip-top shape. He said that he would write up a “repair order,” and send it to someone who would call me in approximately 5 minutes for my credit card information.

The call came as promised, and based on the accent of the person on the line, I could only conclude that the disembodied H-P Guy sent the repair order to Bombay. After a rather comical and painful exchange, punctuated on my part by lots of “Excuse me’s?” I managed to give him my credit card number.

I was placed on hold while he verified my credit card and did God knows what else. When he finally returned to the phone, I was treated to some rapid fire Hindi-English, from which I gathered that he was trying to sell me an extended warranty.

I figured, “Ain’t this just a swift kick in the stindeens? I just arranged to pay three hundred bucks for a repair, and this guy is as much as telling me the damned thing is likely to break again some time within the next 365 days.” I stopped him in the middle of the “accident warranty” pitch and told him I just wanted this computer fixed – nothing more. Only at that point was I provided with the coveted “Order Number,” which he had to repeat several times for me to understand it.

So, now I shall wait for the H-P box to arrive at the House by the Parkway in order for me to proceed to the next chapter in this frustrating saga.

It’s pretty clear that my next computer won’t be an H-P.

Next computer? Yeef! Did I say that? The thought of buying another computer gives me a serious case of the hot squirts.

August 2, 2008

Computer Update.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 12:36 pm

I am doing this post from a borrowed computer (a laptop) and working with the annoying non-mouse. I can either use that little annoying nipple in the center of the keyboard (a bit like drunk driving) or the finger slidey thing at the bottom of the keyboard. I hate them both. Yeah, I know. I could hook up my mouse, but I’ve already plugged and unplugged enough stuff to give me an anxiety attack, so I’ll go with the nipple and the slidey for now.

So, Jimbo. What’s with the Raptor?

Damned if I know. My friend Mike, the computer maven, had it going, but it still decides to shut itself off and then announce that Windows cannot start. He took it home to see if he could figure out what the problem is. If he can’t figure it out, I guess it’s off to the H-P “authorized” repair place. Of course, the warranty ran out about a month ago.

So, that’s the story. In a nutshell, as they say.

April 7, 2005

Computer Bugaboo???? (Updated)

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:26 pm

I have to do this quickly, because there is something going on here, either with Mr. Computer or Comcast.

Most of the time, I cannot get to the web. Occasionally, at random intervals, I can. I think this damned box may have a virus, but I am not sure. If I disappear for a time, you will know why.

Update: Something is really wrong here. Dammit!

Update: It appears that the problem may, at least in part, reside with Comcast (I still think that there is a cyber-nasty lurking around in this box). I called the toll-free Comcast number and the recorded voice said “We are experiencing a higher than usual call volume due to a service outage. Our engineers are working on the problem. To disconnect, press 1; to continue, press 2.” I pressed “1”. I’ve had it for today.

March 17, 2005

Computer [In]Security at the IRS.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:20 pm

Rokus.net points to an unsettling story entitled, “IRS Workers Prone to Hackers.”

More than one-third of Internal Revenue Service employees and managers who were contacted by Treasury Department inspectors posing as computer technicians [trying to remedy a “network problem”] provided their computer login and changed their password [to the one suggested by the inspector].

Believe it or not, this was a fifty percent improvement from the results of a similar audit performed in 2001 when seventy-one percent of IRS employees gave up their login names and passwords.

It is safe to assume that none of these employees intended to do anything wrong, and, more to the point, they had no idea that they had done anything wrong. After all, in a large organization, where employees don’t normally have interactions with the organization’s network personnel, an employee receiving such a call could be caught off guard and, in an effort to be cooperative, provide the requested information.

What is needed is: (a) a better understanding on the part of managers and employees of the reality that there are people (indeed, some very bad people) who can and will use the same techniques to hack into critical information systems, and (b) the training of managers and employees to automatically respond properly to such inquiries. The rule should be simple to state, and there should be no exceptions.

Rokus.net says it clearly:

Anyone who asks for any password is up to no good. Anyone who asks for your password over the phone is a liar. Anyone who needs to know your password already knows it, can reset it, or can bypass it entirely.

The simple rule is, “Just say no.”

April 10, 2004

Computer Turmoil.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 3:29 pm

It began last night when I followed a link to a Quizilla site called, “How Grammatically Sound Are You?” (No link provided. You’ll see why.) I completed the neat little English usage test offered, and my results indicated that I was a “Grammar God,” which pleased me enormously. I would have been crushed if Mr. Quizilla were to conclude that I am a boob.

Just as I was about to proudly cut ‘n paste the HTML so I could share my seriously important accolade with the world, it occurred to me that I had better click on the option that permits the reader to see what other outcomes were possible. After all, if it turned out that there were three or four levels more impressive than “Grammar God,” I might not want to share my Quizilla-proven illiteracy with the world.

So, I clicked the button that promised to show the other possible outcomes.

WHAMMO!!!! My computer went nuts, virus screens began popping up all over the place, and I found myself in an inescapable loop that was calculated solely to force a download of whatever shit this virus-dispensing outfit was selling. My home page was hijacked, I could not get on the web, and strange icons appeared on my desktop. (Note: I do not believe that Quizilla was in any way responsible for this.)

Before I go any further with the story, I advise that you avoid that particular Quizilla Quiz altogether, and under no circumstances, should you click on the button that shows the other possible outcomes of the quiz, unless, of course, you think having your computer’s brains scrambled poses an interesting intellectual challenge.

Anyway, last night when this happened, I freaked (As most of you know, I don’t do well with misbehaving computers). I decided to shut everything down and deal with in the morning, hoping that the cyber-fairies would straighten things out while I slept.

No such luck.

This morning, I had the same problem. I ran Norton Anti-Virus software, and it came back indicating that there were no viruses detected. Hello? No viruses??? The part of my computer that is not frozen is popping up all sorts of terrifying messages of doom here.

I then ran Ad-aware and dumped the 27 things it located. Still no good.

Now that I had exhausted all my prodigious cyber-skills and things were still screwed up, I really began to get panicky.

Mind you, the House by the Parkway was in a baseline state of turmoil this morning anyway, as we are getting everything together for our trip to Hawaii on Monday. As such, I needed this computer turd tossed into my punchbowl about as much as I need an ingrown asshole.

What to do? What to do?

I wrote to Craig at mtpolitics, to get the URL for my editing page, so I could possibly do a post from my daughter’s house tomorrow, explaining my virus woes and my upcoming absence from the ‘sphere while I will be in Hawaii. I know. I know. I should have written that URL down somewhere, because a bookmark isn’t worth squat if you can’t open Microsoft Explorer. Computer lesson #3,897 learned.

Craig immediately wrote back, indicating that he was sitting at the computer and that I could call him, as he was worried that all this angst would cause me to pull out some of my very excellent hair.

I immediately called him, and I am sure that my state of high anxiety was obvious. In that great laid-back, Montana accent (He speaks with an accent; I clearly do not), he asked me a couple questions and then said, “Well, let’s see if we can straighten this out for ya, Jim.” Fifteen minutes later, after following his clearly given instructions, which included deleting several nasty files from places in my computer I would never, ever think of going near, everything was back to normal.

Craig managed to accomplish this feat early in the morning on the day before Easter, while his two small children (both or whom were more deserving of his attention than some knucklehead from Jersey) scampered about. Quite simply, Craig is the nicest and most helpful guy in the blogosphere.

I will not entertain any dissent on that point.

March 10, 2004

I Hate Computers -Follow Up.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 9:21 pm

computer smashed.jpgI considered doing this post as an “Update” to yesterday’s ravings, but I decided that it probably can stand alone.

First of all, I would like to thank all those, especially Dan and Craig, for the advice. I would also like to thank all of you for reading what was probably my least-edited, most angry post ever. Had I written it today, I believe I could have squeezed lots of yuks out of my four-hour beating that administered by so-called “support” folks. In fact, if someone would have recorded my interaction with the fellow from India, I believe it would be a laugh riot. The recording that one listens to for an hour before getting to speak with someone at Dell states that the call “may be monitored for quality control purposes.” I sure as shit hope someone monitored mine.

I figure that if I did not have a stroke last night, I’m good to go for many years. For instance, when someone whose English is weak indicates to me that they have not understood something I said, I typically repeat what I said, but I say the words much slower and clearer than I did the first time. This guy never did that. On those many, many, many occasions when I told him that I hadn’t understood him and requested that he repeat what he said, it was as if he pressed “play” on a recorder and played back the exact same unintelligible sing-song crap – same speed, with no attempt to speak more clearly. It was mentally and physically exhausting.

Anyway, here’s the update.

The gentleman from Bombay or Calcutta or from wherever did in fact call back as promised – Well, almost as promised. Instead of calling back in a half hour, which would have meant a call at approximately 11:15 PM, he called back at 1:15 AM and awakened me from a deep, but cyber-nightmare-filled sleep. He wanted to know if the problem was “all better now.” I have to assume that he thought that God or Krishna must have intervened in the ninety or so minutes since we last spoke.

I ambled sleepily over to the computer, just to be able to answer his stupid question righteously, as I knew damned well the problem wasn’t fixed. I said, “No. I am still getting the same error.”

He seemed genuinely surprised. “Eet is not better, suhr? Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure.”

After a pregnant pause (there were lots of those), he said, “OK, suhr, I vill call you in a few days. OK?”

I thought, “Call me in a few days? Why? A movie and a vegetarian dinner, maybe?”

When I got to work today, Mike, one of the IT guys, just happened to stop by, and I shared my story with him, including the part about my rage-driven bad blogging. He was howling with laughter until I told him that both of the support people insisted that I had to “re-add” my TCP/IP. He stopped laughing and said, “Both those people are full of shit.” At this point, I was thinking, “Great. Dueling IT geeks. Who needs this?” But Mike continued, “If you blogged about it all, that means that your TCP/IP was just fine. My experience is that problems like yours are almost always caused by a bad e-mail clogging up the system.”

He then told me how to get to my e-mail on the web (I have had Comcast for years and never knew I could do that. I know, I know. Color me pathetic.) and said, “You can probably fix it from here.” Within three minutes, I opened web-mail and deleted all the e-mails I did not recognize.

I then read the comments to my post and saw that Dan and Craig had suggested the same fix. Mind you, that is exactly what the Comcast person the night before had said (i.e. that “a corrupt e-mail” caused the problem), and I specifically asked Comcast Lady No. 2 and Gunga Farookin’ Din whether that could be the problem, and both insisted that, “Nooooo. It is a much bigger problem.” Neither of these “experts” ever asked me whether I could connect to the internet. Unbelievable.

The ultimate test came when I arrived home earlier and clicked on Microsoft Outlook, and out poured my e-mails. Eureka!!

A couple parting thoughts:

To Comcast:

Try to find people who know what the hell they are doing, rather than reading from a script and having sorry asses like me (and, believe it or not, people even more computer illiterate than I) running in circles and needlessly screwing around with their operating systems, fer Chrisssakes.

To Dell:

If you know that your customers will have to report an “alpha-numeric” number in order to have someone speak with them, how about putting the gott-damned thing where it can be seen without pulling the computer out of a dark, wire-filled hole and thereby risking unplugging some of that spaghetti.

If you know that your customers will have to identify the model of the gott-damned computer, please do not put it in teeny letters at the very bottom of the tower. Reading things that are a half-inch from the floor is a bitch with progressive bifocals, Sparky. Try it some time.

Finally, you should know that in about a year I will be ready to purchase a new computer. You had damned well better believe that I will make it my business to find out if a company’s support staff: (a) speaks English, and (b) has any farookin’ idea what they are talking about.

Oh, and one more thing. The offshore phone connection stinks. It is full of static and often cuts out, making the unintelligible Hindiblabber even more difficult to understand, if that is possible.

To Cousins Annie and Gary:
Yes, on reflection, it is clear that I probably caught some of the “Uncle Billy genes,” which is both frightening and flattering, because, as we all know, even with all his foibles, he was one of a kind. Take heed, however, for you are part of the same gene pool, as is Jack (the Kerry thing notwithstanding). I must say that your comments got me to thinking fondly about ol’ Uncle Billy, which in turn prompted me to promise myself to write an Uncle Billy post in the near future. Stay tuned.

March 9, 2004

I Hate Computers.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 11:30 pm

My incoming Comcast e-mail cratered again. I called Comcast again, hoping for a repeat of the quick fix I got last night. However, this time I was told that I would have to “re-ad my TCP/IP” (whatever) and that I needed an operating system disc at the ready. I had to locate and sift through all the goddamned discs that came with the computer. Of course, none of the discs that came with this f***ing computer seemed to match the description the Comcast person gave me. She told me to call Dell, get an operating system disc and get back to her when I received it.

So I called Dell. After about a 45 minute wait, I got a gentleman who might have been answering the phone in India, or he might be an Indian man answering from somewhere else — I could not tell. I had to ask him to repeat everything at least three times. Before he would talk to me, he wanted my “alpha-numeric” number on the back of the computer. Getting to the back of the computer tower is no easy task. It is a spaghetti mess, and it is dark.

I said, “Look, I was told that I needed an operating system disc. Can you just send me the disc?” I had to repeat the foregoing about five times. It was as if I never said anything. He simply repeated, “Sir, would you give me the number from the back of your computer.” I located a dying flashlight, tipped the tower so that I could find the f***ing alpha-numeric bar code number on the back of the computer, which I had to read upside down.

I gave him the number. In fact, I gave him the number at least four times, which roughly matched the number of times I had to repeat my name, address and phone number. We did this linguistic back and forth for another hour while I did all the “Settings” and “Network” clicking he told me to do. In the meantime, he described one of the discs I have as being the operating system disc, but he still had me clicking all over the place. He was acting as if he could fix the problem there.

Next came the inevitable request that I re-start the computer. All that turned out to mean was that we could repeat the entire unintelligible and exasperating process from scratch. He obviously thought that he had it wired, as he said, “I’m sending you an e-mail now.” (Actually, he had to say that about four times before I could understand him). I told him that he could send fifty e-mails if he wanted, but I was still getting the same error. In fact, I asked him if he wanted me to try to send myself a goddamned e-mail from AOL. He ignored me and repeated that he was “sending me an e-mail” and that I should have it soon.

He told me that he would call me back in a half hour. It is now forty-five minutes later, the f****ing e-mail still doesn’t work ane he hasn’t called. I have been at this shit for almost four hours.

I’ve got five to one says he doesn’t call.

Did I mention that I f***ing hate computers?

Right about now I hate just about everyfuckingthing.

October 5, 2012

Mars!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 9:22 pm

Take a look at a 360 degree interactive panorama of Mars taken by the Curiosity Rover. You can see Curiosity itself and the tracks it has made on the planet’s surface prior to shooting the photo. Go full screen.

This is amazing stuff. Hell, I remember Sputnik 1, the Russian satelite that kicked off the space race in 1957. We were dazzled by this “thing” that was circling the earth and not doing much more than transmitting “beeps” back to earth. Since that time, we’ve had men walk on the moon, numerous space shuttle flights, we find our way from place A to place B with the help of satelites, and now I am sitting at my computer looking at a color picture of the surface of the planet Mars as if I were there.

Don’t tell me the United States is not exceptional.

Thanks to da Chef of da Future for the link.

July 31, 2012

I’ve Joined the World of Screen Rubbers.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 9:46 pm

Alas, I finally caved in and bought an iPhone. I will now join the legion of zombie screen rubbers. Of course, I have to figure out how to use the farookin’ thing, which is anything but a given. So far, I have managed to successfully download a weather app, which will come in handy when I’m in the house, but not near the computer or a window and I need to know if it’s raining.

I figure that’s a good start.

May 10, 2012

Grownup Sleep-away Camp

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 6:07 pm


Best enjoyed with a cocktail in hand.

Yes, it’s that time of the year when the Usual Suspects descend upon the gulf coast of the Sunshine State. We will again make the owner of the local liquor emporium a most happy fella when we purchase our prodigious supply of adult beverages. There promises to be lots of laughs fueled by ample helpings of savage humor.

For my part, I will remain on constant alligator watch.

Oh, and I plan to take Mr. Computer with me, so if the mood strikes, I might even post something.

Be back in a couple weeks. In the meantime, play nice.

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