Things I Suppose I Could Write About.
I guess the proper title should be “Things About Which I Suppose I Could Write,†but gimme a break. (Yeah, I know. Winston Churchill … “… a thing up with I will not put.â€)
1. I could go on and on about David Letterman: Naah. I don’t watch his show; I don’t think he’s funny, and I don’t really give a shit who he has sex with [with whom he has sex]. The preposition thing is kicking my ass tonight.
2. I could pose the interesting question: who is the bigger asswipe — Jeanane Garafolo or Rachel Maddow? Naah, too difficult to choose. Sort of like being up to your neck in shit and someone throws a bag of snot at your head. Waddya do?
3. I could give you a blow by blow description of the sneezing fit I’m having that the moment. Naah. Boring. I am, however, properly sneezing into the portion of my arm opposite my elbow. I’m nothing if not a proper sneezer.
4. I could describe how my bottle of Mint Sweet Tea Vodka fell out of the freezer, breaking the cap and spilling half its contents on the floor. Naah. Too much of a downer; I damned near wept. Licking the floor would have been unseemly.
5. I could do a movie review. Naah. I can’t remember the last time I watched a movie.
6. I could do a scintillating piece about the exceptions to the hearsay rule codified in the Federal Rules of Evidence. Naah. That would be even more boring than the details of my sneezing fit.
7. I could confess that I always have to look up the spelling of “manual†to satisfy myself that it is not spelled “manuel.†Naah. No one cares about my chronic brain farts.
8. I could write about talking canned vegetables. Naah. The last time I was in the supermarket, the bastards wouldn’t speak to me.
9. I could write about having to take a number to wait for my turn to kick Bill Maher’s ass. Naah. The number 57,870 is boring.
10. I could skip number 10, thereby sparing you any more of this nonsense. Yep. That I can do.
breaking the cap and spilling half its contents on the floor.
Alcohol abuse, man! Possibly the saddest thing I’ve read today.
Comment by Joan of Argghh! — October 6, 2009 @ 10:32 pm
Geez, why don’t you write about your bottle of shampoo having a conversation with your bottle of conditioner:
Shampoo: More clarity.
Conditioner: Less bounce.
Shampoo: Tastes great.
Conditioner: Less filling.
Naah.
Comment by Erica — October 6, 2009 @ 10:39 pm
Um…. Jimbo. Not to be all anal-retentive and such, but shouldn’t number 10 have been skipping number 11 to spare us?
Comment by Dave Merriman — October 6, 2009 @ 10:48 pm
Dave,
Naah.
Jimbo
Comment by Jim — October 6, 2009 @ 11:01 pm
When strapped for topics, do as I do: Fall back upon your vast experience with Bodily Secretions. The ol’ Soft-Serve Dispenser is always good for a laugh (and a few cringes, too).
Comment by Elisson — October 6, 2009 @ 11:12 pm
“Sort of like being up to your neck in shit and someone throws a bag of snot at your head. Waddya do?”
That was me last week.
This week, I see glimmer of light shining on the horizon. Funny how that works.
Now I gotta go check and make sure none of my pain pills have spilled into my purse and become powder. Cuz trying to fit my head in there to lick it clean is even more unseemly than you licking the floor for vodka. Of course, I could probably make a ton of money if the purse were see through and I hooked up a webcam.
Comment by Da Goddess — October 7, 2009 @ 2:02 am
The correct punishment for committing the crime of wasting alcohol is six blows to the kidneys.
Comment by keeskennis — October 7, 2009 @ 2:20 am
You need to put up pet pics. If you don’t have a pet, I will send you one of mine. Pet that is, not just a pic.
Comment by Laura — October 7, 2009 @ 11:18 am
Rachel Maddow has a man’s haircut and looks like Morey Amsterdam with t**s.She talks out of the side of her mouth,and I’m sure she eats Wonder white bread.
She needs a Perth Amboy hotel weekend with Keith Richards and a fifth of Jack Daniels.
And she should try to get her pink panties that she loaned to Keith Olberman back.
Comment by cousin gary — October 7, 2009 @ 2:03 pm
fell out of the freezer? uh, ,yeah right.
Comment by James Old Guy — October 7, 2009 @ 2:59 pm
I can see you and Cousin Gary are cut from the same cloth.
Comment by Erica — October 7, 2009 @ 7:12 pm
Erica,
I think you could say that.
Jimbo
Comment by Jim — October 7, 2009 @ 7:40 pm
Licking up lost nectar from the floor is unseemly only if there are witnesses. Otherwise it’s all in good taste.
Get it?
Good taste? Liquor?
I crack me up. 🙂
Comment by LeeAnn — October 8, 2009 @ 6:18 pm
Apparently you haven’t watched any Gunsmoke episodes lately. Heh.
Comment by Velociman — October 10, 2009 @ 8:57 pm