Gadgetry.
As many of you know, I am not a gadget guy. I have never used an ATM, and when I watch television, it is an RCA that is probably thirty years old. I suppose my crowning achievement to date is that I can store and retrieve telephone numbers in my cell phone and put a destination in my GPS. I’m also pretty good with a blow dryer.
As part of the long process of relocating to the House By The Parkway (South), I now have a flat screen HD TV (not the one that is roughly the size of the JumboTron – that will come a bit later, after the purchase of a suitably sized entertainment center), with a DVD player and a DVR. I also have a remote control unit that looks much like the control panel on the space shuttle. Figuring it all out is giving me the vapors.
I figured out how to turn on the TV, pop up the Guide and change channels. Not a bad start. I was watching a program on the History Channel when I realized that, at that same time, there was a program on the Discovery Channel that I would like see as well. No problemo. After all, I now have a DVR. After more than a little bit of searching around on the mondo remote, I saw the button that was marked “My DVR.†I figured, “Yo, this is ‘my DVR,’†so took a deep breath and went for it.
A message immediately popped up on the screen that said something like, “THERE IS A PROBLEM WITH THE STORAGE DISC. Blah blah blah.†What it was really saying was, “This is your DVR speaking. I can tell you are a techno-asshole, and I shall mock you and torment you, and I shall not cooperate with you.â€
Now you can see why I don’t use ATMs. If I were to use an ATM, I would push the buttons on the damned thing and it would say, “Money? You want me to hand you money? Surely you jest. Asshole.â€
Oh, did I mention that we also have new telephones? Indeed we do.
The instruction book looks like the Manhattan phone directory. Just the table of contents runs about a dozen pages. For example, you can make a cell phone call from your home phone (Why?); you can take a cell phone call on your home phone (Why?); you can stick your cell phone directory into the memory of the home phone (Might make sense but actually doing it is about as complicated as a moonshot); you can put a cell phone call on hold while you take a regular call, and you can conference in a shitload of people. I’ll bet it has a feature that will wipe your heiney if you hold it next to your ass and press “*wipe.â€
If I seem crabby, it’s because I’ll be spending the next few weeks buried in instruction manuals.
I am sure an intelligent gentleman such as yourself can figure it all out in time.
Comment by Kevin — June 8, 2010 @ 10:17 pm
Techtard.
Comment by Jerry in Indiana — June 8, 2010 @ 10:41 pm
I still cannot believe you have never used at ATM. I’ve told people about it, even. Not using your name or anything. But I’ll be out and about, and I’ll just pull random strangers aside and go, “OH MAN YOU GOTTA HEAR THIS. See, I know this guy, sort of, on the internet, right? He’s never used an ATM!!!” Most people will jump right in there: “Really? GET THE F OUTTA HERE! Who is this guy? Are you serious?” and I’m all, “Oh yes quite serious.” Do your ears ever burn? Just wondering.
Comment by sheri — June 9, 2010 @ 9:05 am
Well Jimbo… you retired – bad move. You have to keep busy somehow. Heh.
Comment by Teresa — June 9, 2010 @ 9:20 am
(my comment did not show up…?)anyway, repeat:
I refuse to text. I will not twitter. Cancelled FB.
Cellphone has no camera. I have my standards 😉
Comment by Jean — June 9, 2010 @ 12:25 pm
And rest assured Jim, amongst ALL that info in those ginormous User Manuals, there will not be one sentence of info on the ONE option you wish to learn to use. Guaran-fricken-teed!
BTW, I haven’t used an ATM since leaving the military over 23 years ago. I don’t have direct deposit for my paycheck. I still use dial-up internet. Why? That’s what I ask when people say I should have all these things and more.
Comment by Dan O — June 9, 2010 @ 12:38 pm
That lady at the ATM should try to associate herself with nicer friends. Or maybe it was a stranger who got that pic?
Comment by Carl Brannen — June 9, 2010 @ 10:30 pm
Welcome to my world. Never used ATM — I have credit cards! No camera phone — I have a great Camera!!! Don’t do user manuals — I ask Dan to help…. Don’t text — I still remember how to talk so I call!!! What is the world coming to?
Comment by Kathy - From Washington — June 10, 2010 @ 11:06 am
First, I have used an ATM, 22 years ago for 3 years and have not ever since. I cash checks. I found ATMs were difficult to keep track of finances.
Second, the cure for your remote trouble is to find the nearest 5 year old. Kids can work friction’ anything. We got a new TV and blue Ray two years ago and I don’t know how yo work any of it. I can’t even turn off the tv right. I just call the kids in the room if I need something. I’m doomed when they all leave home, but I don’t watch tv so I’ll probably be ok. Seriously, find a neighbor kid…
Comment by Bou — June 11, 2010 @ 11:01 pm
Manuals, they gave you manuals with your new phones? Holy crap, I haven’t seen anything that comes with an actual manual for quite some time now. A 3 page safety warning and hookup guide yes, a manual, no.
Comment by Bogie — June 12, 2010 @ 6:51 am