June 29, 2005

Yet Another List.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:09 pm

I receive these “You Know You’re a(n) XYZ If…” lists in my mailbox with some regularity. I have specifically received a few “Redneck” lists, but I believe this is the first I’ve seen this one, and some of them struck me as pretty funny. So, being too lazy to write anything original, I thought I would pass this on.

Note: Some of my best Blog Buddies from the Jawja Blogtoberfest and the Wreckyl in Jekyll are from south of the Mason-Dixon Line, and I know that they all have senses of humor the size of Finland. If, however, you might be offended by a bit of “Redneck” humor, please skip this post.
——————–
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A REDNECK IF…..

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool
Whip” on the side.
24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
improvements.
28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
And last, but not least…
31. Somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is!
——————–

Thanks to my friend Brian, the Air Force Vet.

12 Comments »

  1. #28. You mean that’s not what you are supposed to use it for?

    Comment by Moogie — June 29, 2005 @ 8:15 pm

  2. You know you’re staying at a redneck motel when you call the front desk to tell them you’ve got a leak in the sink, and they tell you to go ahead.

    A team redneck doctors have performed the world’s first penis transplant. The only proble is that the penis keeps rejecting the hand.

    Another team of redneck doctors has made medical history by performing the world’s first appendix transplant.

    Comment by DMerriman — June 29, 2005 @ 8:31 pm

  3. You see a sign that says, “Say No to Crack” and it reminds you to pull up your pants.

    You refer to the 8th grade as your Senior Year.

    Comment by Dash — June 29, 2005 @ 11:29 pm

  4. You might be a redneck if…….

    Jeff Foxworthy is talking copyright infringment!!

    Comment by Gene — June 30, 2005 @ 1:10 am

  5. Lighten up

    Oh, man, it’s been grouch, grouch, grouch on this blog lately. Time for some yuks. If you thought all the redneck jokes were worn out, you might get a kick out of these. I laughed, anyway….

    Trackback by Jack Bog's Blog — June 30, 2005 @ 3:25 am

  6. ROTF!

    You’d be surprised how many of those are true.

    Comment by rita — June 30, 2005 @ 6:31 am

  7. Jimbo, I live in the deep south in coastal Ga, my county has many of them and some even more things than you had listed, those were good ones, and I see those in action, everyday, Cat

    Comment by Catfish — June 30, 2005 @ 10:04 am

  8. That’s just DISGUSTING, Jim. True… bur disgusting just the same.

    Comment by Acidman — June 30, 2005 @ 1:22 pm

  9. You get into a knife fight in a bar over which dog food is best for coon hounds.

    (true story happened back in Ky a few years ago)

    I recall hearing Foxworthy once say

    You might be a redneck if you have a relative named after a Southern General ,from the War of Nothern Aggression, I assume. ;-)

    My reaction was, “let’s see Grandpa Stonewall Jackson Puckett, Cousin Stonewall Jackson Bailey, Uncle and Cousin, Robert E Lee Bone and my kid Brother Joe Frasier Kauffman, does that leave ANY thing on me not red?

    Comment by Dan Kauffman — July 1, 2005 @ 12:29 am

  10. Regarding the one about the fireworks stand:
    I was in Indiana a couple of days ago and drove by a fireworks store and noticed in the store window a sign that said “Rentals”. Unfortunately, the store was closed but I dearly wanted an explanation of “renting fireworks”. I thought “Damn, what a concept!” You sell/rent them the fireworks, then, of course, charge a deposit which will NEVER be returned because after all, how could you possibly return fireworks you have shot off that aren’t damaged. I need more information……..

    Comment by DrugStore Cowboy — July 1, 2005 @ 12:17 pm

  11. home equity line of credit http://www.homeequitylineofcredithome.com

    Comment by home equity line of credit — July 12, 2005 @ 11:42 pm

  12. home equity line of credit http://www.home-equity-line-ofcredit.com

    Comment by home equity line of credit — July 13, 2005 @ 12:08 am

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