December 16, 2005

Asshole-B-Gone.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 1:27 pm

Spray can.jpgI was making one of my regular visits to Two Nervous Dogs and saw that Dogette, as part of a pet store adventure, bought some something called Cat-B-Gone, which is granular stuff that you pour in places where you don’t want kitties making kitty doo.

That got me to thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a product called Asshole-B-Gone. I would like it to be in liquid form that could be packaged in a pocket sized spray can. Wouldn’t it be great if, when you’ve had just about enough of a particular Asshole, you could spritz him and instantly banish his sorry ass to someplace like the Phantom Zone? Once spritzed, they would get all meta-flaky, just like people did on Star Trek just before they were teleported off the spaceship.

Say you’re sitting in a doctor’s waiting room and the guy across the room insists on treating everyone to his half of a long, loud cell phone conversation. You could pop your spritzer out of your pocket and give the Asshole a squirt. “Adios, Asshole!”

Or, how about the guy in the seat in front of you in economy class on a packed plane who decides that he absolutely must have his seatback in your face for six farookin’ hours? Wouldn’t you love to pull out your little spray can of Asshole-B-Gone, reach over the top of the seat and SPRITZ!! “Buh-bye, Dipshit.”

Ahhh, then there’s the person in front of you at the checkout counter who stands there for five minutes while the checkout person scans in all the purchases and renders a total on the register, and ONLY THEN does the Asshole reach for his/her wallet/purse and begins rummaging around for money or a credit card . “Yo! Did it come as a complete surprise to you that at the end of this process you would have to pay for your purchases?” SPRITZ!! “See ya, Asshole. No charge.”

I hope Santa reads this post and leaves a year’s supply of Asshole-B-Gone under my Christmas tree.

15 Comments

  1. The only problem I see is how to carry the 50 gallon tank I would need to eliminate the assholes from my life on a daily basis. I would have to have a tanker truck just to drive home!

    Comment by hoosierboy — December 16, 2005 @ 2:03 pm

  2. .. they need to cropdust my neighborhood with that stuff…

    Comment by Eric — December 16, 2005 @ 5:20 pm

  3. A year’s supply would not fit in my home, much less under my tree.

    Comment by Craig — December 16, 2005 @ 5:30 pm

  4. Yep, tanker truck is about right. But now that I’m retired, I have many fewer to deal with on a daily basis.

    Comment by joated — December 16, 2005 @ 6:44 pm

  5. Well, I work at a law firm. If I fogged the place with ABG it would get vewy, vewy qwiet in there.

    Comment by Sluggo — December 16, 2005 @ 10:36 pm

  6. I just enjoyed the double decker of checkout idiots. It was a new twist. It goes like this.

    Idiot B is behind Idiot A in the checkout line. I’m behind both. B watches A fumble for money (surprised that payment was required). All the time B is tsk-tsking and rolling her eyeballs and heaving big impatient dramatic SIGHS at A and at A’s total incompetence and stupidity.

    Silly me, I assumed that when B finally got up to the cashier herself, B would be not only efficient, but MONDO efficient, as they say in the PRS-parlance of our times.

    So I watched in amazement as Idiot B ALSO waited ’til everything was rung up and only THEN started fumbling in her purse for her wallet and ID card.

    Holy crap.

    Crop dusting is a great idea. Maybe a ‘termite’ tent type thing over the really troublesome areas like ours.

    Comment by dogette — December 16, 2005 @ 10:50 pm

  7. one case of “asshole-b-gone” shall appear underneath your xmas tree, forthwith, when you awake xmas morning.

    with monthly refills arriving via fed-express free of charge.

    dat’s what you get for being a good boy this year, sir!

    Comment by SantaHelpful — December 16, 2005 @ 10:58 pm

  8. Crop dusting, hell! Put it in the freakin’ water system like flouride. I guarantee that there are more assholes in the world than cavities-(no pun intended).

    Comment by David Spence — December 17, 2005 @ 12:10 pm

  9. I need some of that sprayed on me.

    Comment by Velociman — December 17, 2005 @ 7:10 pm

  10. I like the idea of putting it in the water supply but can I have an umbrella with ABG in the tip so I can jab it in the ass of the offenders?

    Comment by Randy — December 18, 2005 @ 12:21 am

  11. Bah, Humbug

    Since we had a convergence of our bi-monthly stock-up, weekly grocery AND the remainder of our Christmas shopping, we did…

    Trackback by Res Ipsa Loquitur — December 18, 2005 @ 7:38 am

  12. OK, not quite the same, but a good substitute is called “Jack Daniels.” Only you consume it yourself instead of spraying it on others. The assholes don’t disappear, but it does make them more tolerable, plus several other beneficial side effects (Women are more attractive, hell, I’m more attractive!).

    NB: Negative side effects may be severe, but mostly occur the following morning.

    Comment by Dan — December 19, 2005 @ 1:13 am

  13. better than wd-40

    I’ve always thought that WD-40 is the best stuff ever to come in an aerosol can. It’s good for lots…

    Trackback by Gut Rumbles — December 21, 2005 @ 1:10 am

  14. Tell me it’s not so.

    Comment by Catfish — December 21, 2005 @ 1:32 am

  15. I dunno. I’m afraid if I used it, it’d be like a bug committing insecticide.

    Comment by McGehee — December 21, 2005 @ 11:00 am

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