April 14, 2006

New Jersey’s Indoor-Farting Ban..

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:00 pm

A spokesperson from Governor Corzine’s office announced that, on the heels of the passage of New Jersey’s Smoking Ban, the Governor has signed into law, The Flatulent Emission Reduction Act.

The new law prohibits flatulent emissions in restaurants, bars, public buildings, and workplaces.  Specifically, the statute provides, in pertinent part:

“Any person emitting flatulent gas in a Flatulence-Free Location [e.g. restaurants, bars, public buildings and workplaces] shall be guilty of a disorderly persons offense and shall be fined not less than five hundred dollars nor more than one thousand dollars per offense.  Each flatulent emission shall be deemed a separate offense.”

In addition, any owner or operator of a Flatulence-Free Location who knowingly permits the release of flatulent emissions on the premises is also subject to fine.  The law requires owners and operators of Flatulence-Free Locations to conspicuously post a sign that states:

“This a FLATULENCE-FREE LOCATION.  All persons experiencing the need to emit flatulent gases must exit the premises to release such gases.  Those emitting such gases must not be within twenty-five feet of the entrance to this establishment.”

Reaction to the new law has been swift.  Robert Medvorky, the spokesperson for the Restaurant Owner’s Association stated, “This law is an outrage!  This means that, in order to avoid either being fined himself, or having his customers spend the entire evening out on the sidewalk farting, restaurant owners should remove items such as eggs, beans, and cabbage from their menus?  It will destroy the restaurant business in New Jersey.”

Patrick O’Malley, the owner of a drinking establishment known as “O’Malley’s Emerald Isle” was disappointed to learn that the law did not contain a St. Patrick’s Day exemption.  “BeJesus, how, in Christ’s name, can we be servin’ corned been and cabbage if all our customers will end up outside fartin’ and not inside drinkin’?  We’ll go broke.”

Supporters of the law cite to polls that show that people overwhelmingly find the smell of farts to be unpleasant.  Claiming that the law also has a basis in promoting good heath, John Braddock, Chairman of the Garden State Clean Air Society, stated:” Research has definitively shown that inhalation of secondhand flatulent emissions can result in long-term circulatory and pulmonary conditions.  Furthermore, any college kid can tell you that flatulent emissions are extremely flammable.  So this law will not only result in cleaner indoor air, but it will also reduce the possibility of a fart-gas explosion and fire.”

Perhaps the most interesting objection came from a Archie Sendowski, one of several people smoking outside a bar in Hoboken.  “This is the last goddamned straw!  We’re out here smoking in all kinds of weather, and now we have to be surrounded with a bunch of farters!  Who wants to breathe that shit?  The terrorists have won, I tell ya.”

The Governor’s Office had no comment when asked why the new legislation permits people to continue farting in Atlantic City Casinos, cigar bars and the State Legislature. 

 

 

17 Comments »

  1. Smokers standing outside mingling with flatulators, also now outside, does sound like a potentially flammable combination.

    Comment by dogette — April 14, 2006 @ 8:29 pm

  2. Eat beans, go to jail.

    Actually, I don’t think something this asinine is far off. Smoke-free. Fragrance-free. Flatulence-free?

    Comment by DMerriman — April 14, 2006 @ 10:10 pm

  3. How about a law banning bullshit emanating from the mouths of politicians? Setting the fine for the first offense at $500 and then doubling the penalty for each subsequent offense, New Jersey would be debt free in less than one month.

    Comment by Enlighten-NewJersey — April 14, 2006 @ 11:13 pm

  4. Gonna be a lot of jobs to hand out on the Inspection and Enforcement end. Special training for the silent but deadlies.

    Comment by Sluggo — April 15, 2006 @ 2:22 am

  5. Hey, you know it’ll come to this sooner or later. Either in the name of odor pollution or control of Global Warming gases, someone will make the proposal.

    Comment by joated — April 15, 2006 @ 9:07 am

  6. I’m going to start marketing gum that emits methane. You know, for those poor souls who can’t fart indoors anymore.

    Comment by zonker — April 15, 2006 @ 12:27 pm

  7. Heh…it’s not polite to make a woman with stitches laugh so hard but OMG that was funny. Thank you. I guess the sale of Gas-X will soar now.

    Comment by Moogie — April 15, 2006 @ 3:35 pm

  8. Moogie’s right. It’s a conspiracy by the big Gas-X/Beano corporations to quadruple their profits… They ain’t watchin’ the real gas companies and not learnin’ anything.

    Comment by RedNeck — April 15, 2006 @ 6:42 pm

  9. Something stinks about this legislation, I speculate the infrared camera lobby has something to do with this. Why don’t they kill two birds with one stone by enacting “Ban the beaners Act”.

    Comment by Mick — April 17, 2006 @ 9:52 am

  10. ON THE RADIO THIS MORNING THEY WERE TELLING A STORY ABOUT TWO MEN BEING FINED UNDER THIS LAW FOR FARTING IN A GROCEY STORE.

    Comment by ROCKY G. WOODS — September 12, 2006 @ 5:51 pm

  11. This is a joke, Right? I can imagine it’s true. It did give me a good laugh though. Thanks!

    Comment by Rosemary — December 21, 2007 @ 4:45 pm

  12. you cant fart or smoke anywhere but you can still crank on as much cologn or perfume as you want. i dont mind a slight perfume fragrance but most people put it on in such abundance. i dont care for the taste. the eye watering and the sneezing and mostly the tightness in my chest that it brings about. for me perfume is worse than smoke and farting, but no law against that. why not?

    Comment by tom gavin — December 25, 2007 @ 4:00 pm

  13. maybe 15 years ago is when i decided to while sitting in an energy symposium, i began to design the automatic fart ignition system to capture methane gas from cows. a few years passed and i modified the design to be a computer assisted fart ignition system. cafis.

    all this time i undervalued my day dreaming.maybe a human version should be on the design boards soon. i could have been…..

    mike sherman

    Comment by michael p. sherman — March 12, 2008 @ 11:32 am

  14. How will they prove it, you know, who done it? Will they catch it and paint it blue? What if you’re dog’s with you, can rover get sent to the pokey for “breakin’ wind”? Got knows I hope they don’t hold dog owners responsible for their dog farts… hell, I”ll have no other scapegoat at that point. Why you think I got 2 dogs…

    Comment by RedNeck — March 12, 2008 @ 8:37 pm

  15. Old post…but I’ve never had any trouble with this. Umm…it’s a joke, right?

    Comment by tiger99 — August 17, 2008 @ 10:35 am

  16. Attn: Whom this concerns,….When the Flatulent Emission Reduction Act when into effect, are public bathrooms covered under the ban or are they an exception? Please e-mail me back. Thank you.

    Comment by Randall Kovar — August 12, 2012 @ 11:58 am

  17. Secondly, I think this ban is by far overstepping its boundaries and needs to be repealed.

    Comment by Randall Kovar — August 12, 2012 @ 12:01 pm

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