May 11, 2007

Drivin’ in Da Garden State.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:27 pm

In a comment to this post, Amy noted that she had recently taken a trip to our wonderful state. I can see that she experienced the real item, as she wrote:

The traffic in Jersey sucks. Just so you know. It just plain sucks. Maniac drivers are everywhere, and since we were at the beach, and it was an awesome day, congestion was the word of the day, traffic wise.

Welcome to Da Jersey Shore, Amy, and it ain’t even summer yet.

By a lucky coincidence, my Garden State buddy Gerry sent me the following little piece about Rules for Driving in Jersey, about which I offer two observations: Number three is a bit of an exaggeration, but the rest of them are quite accurate, particularly the stuff about perhaps being shot. You see, in Jersey only the cops and the bad guys have guns, and the bad guys are well aware of that.

So, wit dat, here’s Da Rules:

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is NEW-erk, not New-ARK.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway it’s 105 or 110. Anything less is considered “Wussy.”

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Monmouth County, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill.

9. Mapquest does not work here — none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do, and all the Turnpike EZ Pass Lanes are moved each night, once again, to make your ride more exciting.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know that the signal must have been “accidentally activated.”

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you may be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time — just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon, Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

So, if any of youse will be in Jersey during a weekend this summer, good chance I’ll see you on the Parkway, because that’s where most folks spend a good part of the summer.

Yo! Happy Farookin’ Motoring!

23 Comments »

  1. Great advice. Sounds exactly like Houston!

    Comment by Hammer — May 11, 2007 @ 8:52 pm

  2. Anyone who likes The Gourds is A-OK in my book.

    Comment by Craig — May 11, 2007 @ 9:07 pm

  3. You forgot number 13.
    East is east and west is west but sometimes south ois north and west is east too and …Just watch it when you get on I-287. It makes a big C around the city and the direction signs mean nothin’.

    Comment by joated — May 11, 2007 @ 9:40 pm

  4. You forgot number 13.
    East is east and west is west but sometimes south is north and west is east too and …

    Oh, just watch it when you get on I-287. It makes a big C around the city and the direction signs mean nothin’.

    Comment by joated — May 11, 2007 @ 9:41 pm

  5. #1 should be modified slightly.

    You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is NEW-erk, not New-ARK. However, once in the city or its immediate environs, it becomes NORK.

    Comment by marydell — May 12, 2007 @ 7:12 am

  6. Sounds like DFW. So… what was the problem again? 😉

    Comment by Dick — May 12, 2007 @ 10:06 am

  7. I have to take exception to #2. Down here in North Brunswick, evening rush hour on Rt. 1 normally extends well beyond 8pm. This runs into mall closing time which adds another 2 hour long rush hour. Additional road hazards to watch out for are drops of rain. The majority of New Jersey drivers seem to think so, anyway, ’cause they all slow down to a crawl when it threatens to rain. And if you actually tried #10, you’d probably get shot.

    Comment by Thomas Pfau — May 12, 2007 @ 11:34 am

  8. Marydell is exactly right, as are the other Jersey Peeps who have commented so far.

    Jimbo

    Comment by Jim — May 12, 2007 @ 11:53 am

  9. Seat belts are optional in New Jersey, just ask Corzine!

    Comment by sinister linda — May 12, 2007 @ 12:25 pm

  10. Uh, may I poke my nose in here a mo’, regarding the statement: “Additional road hazards to watch out for are drops of rain. The majority of New Jersey drivers seem to think so, anyway, ’cause they all slow down to a crawl when it threatens to rain.”

    Why do I snicker… Because I seem to recall you saying a few weeks ago (I can’t find it, but I will…it’s in here, somewhere) that New York drivers can’t cut it on the open roads, and that Jersey drivers have all the grit.

    Uh, not when your BFBCC is tiptoeing through the tulips, you ain’t. 😛

    Comment by Erica — May 12, 2007 @ 5:34 pm

  11. Have you ever considered moving out of New Jersey? Perhaps Pennsylvania would welcome you.

    Comment by Kevin — May 12, 2007 @ 6:15 pm

  12. Not only do cell phone talking, SUV driving soccer moms have the right of way at a four way stop in Monmouth County, they are free to ignore regular stop signs at their leisure, as are their cigar smoking, gold chain wearing, moussed haired husbands. They are also granted freedom from the annoyance of speed limits and are allowed to make rights on red, even at intersections where they are not allowed. As an extra bonus they are allowed to park in fire zones in front of dry cleaners, bakeries and bagel shops and are granted special license to come to a complete stop in the middle of the lane to peruse the offerings of yard sales without having to leave the comfort of their vehicles. Of course, my bet is that 99% of them are not natives of my beloved county…

    Comment by gregor — May 12, 2007 @ 7:05 pm

  13. Can’t expect things to improve after moving to PA ’cause it’s full of ex-NJ drivers.

    Erica, I don’t recall commenting on NY drivers although I may have. Post it if you find it.

    Comment by Thomas Pfau — May 12, 2007 @ 9:36 pm

  14. Ack, I didn’t make myself clear. Not you, Thomas…Jimbo.

    Comment by Erica — May 12, 2007 @ 10:26 pm

  15. Aha! I found it.

    Comment by Erica — May 13, 2007 @ 11:29 am

  16. I have had the pleasure”??????” of driving in New-erk…..I learned quickly to drive & recite the rosary at the same time. For what it is worth, it was good training for driving in Chicago & Toronto. This is two cities where they send people that fail the Jersey drivers exam.

    Comment by Dudley1 — May 14, 2007 @ 7:30 am

  17. I used to live sandwiched between the Turnpike and Parkway and liked the convenience. When I decided to move, I wanted to be close to a major interstate but had no idea Route 80 was the absolute worst highway in the state. If I ever move again, it will be to someplace far, far away from this road.

    At the end near the Delaware Water Gap, there are too many nervous Pennsylvanians who swerve wildly and unnecessarily. They seem to think anything on or near the road needs to be avoided by at least 25 feet and are completely confused by a common driving practice called “merging.” Near the GWB, New Yorkers either drive 30 mph in the left lane, weave in and out of traffic, or do the the go fast then slam on the brakes shuffle because they hate letting anyone in front of them. All of this invariably causes more traffic. And then there’s the middle, where 287 feeds all of its really bad New Jersey drivers onto 80. Fuhgeddaboudit.

    Comment by marydell — May 14, 2007 @ 7:32 am

  18. Thanks for the tips. I’ll print ’em out and tape them to the dashboard of the ‘wagon for future reference. Obbie is co-piloting for the next trip in June, and we’re thinking that if we leave PA at 8:30 in the morning, we’ll actually get there in time to check in at the hotel at 3:00…MAYBE.

    Comment by Amy — May 14, 2007 @ 9:42 am

  19. Yo Jimbo,
    When did this all start to happen. I mean I know that learning to drive on Rt 22 prepared me for most anything short of driving in Atlanta, but!
    In Jerseypeople always knew:
    The left lane is for driving fast, the right lane is for driving slow and the trooper is always nearby to help you remember.
    the last time I was in state there was a push for strict enforcement of the 55 limit and people payed close attention. 55 on the highways, 55 on the by ways, 55 in the parking lots, 55 in the driveways.
    Really, the only true irritant I had with Jersey drivers was from the Irish contingent that live down the shore who allways wait a bit for the light to warm up to “a proper shade of green”.

    Comment by Mark Reardon — May 14, 2007 @ 10:03 am

  20. I believe Dudley covers it well, except he forgot to add that drivers licenses are optional for truckers with huge vehicles in the state of Illinois…courtesy of the former Gov George Ryan. (he now is basking in the sunlight in one of the state prisons) It just gives everyone more practice in playing dodge-em cars.

    Comment by Teresa — May 14, 2007 @ 11:35 pm

  21. Heh. I sooo miss driving in NJ.

    I last lived there in 1996 and took the parkway daily to and from Kenilworth/Raritan Bay. It’s the first place I ever lived that I saw many of the same vehicles almost daily, as we all trekked to our destinations.

    Comment by wRitErsbLock — May 15, 2007 @ 11:34 am

  22. wait… now I’m second guessing myself. Did I take the Parkway or the Turnpike? I’ve been in Florida for too long.

    Comment by wRitErsbLock — May 15, 2007 @ 11:36 am

  23. 10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know that the signal must have been “accidentally activated.”

    That is not true. I like to let the person know that I am cutting them off and they don’t have a choice

    Comment by damojo2003 — July 31, 2007 @ 4:18 pm

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