May 23, 2008

Welcome Back, Hairboy.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Erica @ 12:51 am

Sadly, yet mercifully, my time here guarding the House by the Parkway from stealth toilet-papering attacks at the hands of malevolent Brooklynites must draw to a close. Yes, I know…pass the snotrags.

Our pal Hairboy, who we all miss very very much (no disclaimer), shall return to the GAHden State, Vulgarian Capital of the Universe, in just a few hours and Parkway Rest Stop shall resume regularly scheduled blogposts of PRS Operatives transcripts of bugged conversations between Nancy Pelosi and Sven the Swedish Masseuse as they drink lotsa Cristal, smoke doobies, and he walks her around the house on all fours wearing nothing but a Gucci leash and diamond-encrusted dog collar.

But before that time comes, seeing as my email has served as a receptacle of sorts for Hairboy while he’s sipping umbrella-garnished adult beverages on the beach and wowing all Da Goils in his Speedos, I thought I’d share a few of the goodies that some fans of Mr. Parkway have sent my way.

First off, we have this cute little feller, sent to me a whiles back from El Capitan,who I give credit for even finding a baby photo of Hairboy, when Wiseass Jooette Operatives was unable to:

Completely perplexified since, in spite of having fabulous hair (and trust me, boys and girls…never, EVER mention Da Bald Spot to him, as he’s a bit sensitive about it), the little guy doesn’t appear to actually possess the fair Irish / Polish complexion our man on the Parkway has, so I asked El Cap how to explain to readers the obvious lack of resemblance. Without missing a beat, he replied: “Hell, it’s Jersey! Blame it on toxic waste or something!” Ding, ding, ding — we have a winner!!

Second up, knowing the special place in his heart Hairboy reserves for Killa Klowns, fellow Blown-Eye Zonker passed along this link, because nothing screams “FUN!” quite like a clown with an AK47 and blossom of hand grenades.

Also from Zonker and Randy, The Bandit Monco, I mean…you just cannot make this shit up:

Perhaps West Point cadets will also go digging for explosives in Belmar and Wildwood, where I hear one takes their life in their own hands while building a sand castle. I’ll take my chances with the Coney Island Whitefish, thankyouverymuch.

This one comes from Montana Dave, who I guess thought Hairboy’s PRS banner needed a little springtime sprucing:

Cute, right? I think this new banner would aptly showcase Hairboy’s sensitive side, but I have to say Dave, between you and me, the pink and gray might clash with his already eye-pleasing peach, brick red, sherbet, and Kelly green décor.

Oh, and I don’t know WTF is up with Hairboy and chainsaws, but Florida Blown-Eye Guyk was kind enough to build this fool-proof, Hairboy-friendly “chainsaw,” which only a dooshbag would hurt themselves using:

You can’t buy this specially-built hardware in any old Wally World, so I thought it was particularly thoughtful of Guy, who always looks out for his friends, even if they are a Yankee.

This one wasn’t actually sent to me, but I figure since Suzette’s a Jersey Girl and we’ve been Alligator-Lite all week, who could resist posting “butter molded into the shape of twin alligators.”

Truly unique.

A whiles back, Leslie the Omnibabe sent me a Chicago Sun Times link, which I just checked and is now borked, but no worries since I found that the New York Times, socialist birdcage liner that it is, also had the same story (which originally ran in 1997). Are you ready for this? Howsabout we all celebrate national Be Nice To New Jersey Week:

This year, among the “suggested activities” Ms. Barnett proposes for the celebration, is a national apology to New Jersey. “If you have friends or relatives in New Jersey, call or write them to tell them how sorry you are for picking on their state,” she suggests. Those who don’t know anyone in New Jersey, she adds, can still atone by addressing their apologies to the Governor’s office at the State House in Trenton.

Bwahahahahahahahaha!!! Be nice to Jersey?? Good grief, and then where would that leave me? Out of blog fodder, that’s where! I’d lose my freakin’ street creds, ferchrissakes.

Well sweet kadiddles, I’ve milked this long enough. Time to say ‘Buh-Bye,’ — hopefully we could do this again real soon, but in your spare time, do find time to drop by this website…it’s one of my favorites and really brings the muse to life. And this website, too, since a year and many FAILs later, I am reminded once again why Craig is “The Nicest Guy in the Blogosphere.”

Later, peeps…it’s been real.


  1. You’re welcome back to the Garden State anytime! We welcome everyone.

    We then fleece them and take their wallets, sure, but by god we welcome them!

    Comment by Mr. Bingley — May 23, 2008 @ 7:02 am

  2. I took that butter picture in a Florida restaurant, where they had a whole reptilian “Wild Florida of the Olden Days” theme going on. I hesitate to describe the rest of the decor.

    Comment by Suzette — May 23, 2008 @ 8:49 am

  3. What part of the gator did you cut first for your toast?

    Comment by Mr. Bingley — May 23, 2008 @ 9:26 am

  4. Mr. Bingely, I don’t know why, but what you said made me think of “the butter scene” in “Last Tango in Paris.” I would imagine ol’ Marlon (if he were alive) woulda just grabbed it by the tail, without cutting it at all, and made other uses for it besides toast…although, for sure, some spreading would have been involved.

    OK, I’m grossing myself out now.

    Comment by Erica — May 23, 2008 @ 9:44 am

  5. As my brain is completely toasted after this week – with one more week to go before I can do a brain dump, fail a test, and then resume normal brain cell inactivity… I must thank you for this post which gave me a few minutes to stop and LMAO.


    Oh yeah, I still miss hairboy though. Can’t wait for the Florida stories. Has there been any news of Joisey boyz being chased through the streets of FL by gators??? I’ve been way out of touch.

    Comment by Teresa — May 23, 2008 @ 12:42 pm

  6. You sure do know how to trash a place, Erica. I like that…

    Comment by zonker — May 23, 2008 @ 12:43 pm

  7. Erica: “Rough Riders Prefer Alligator Butter”

    I’m sure there’s a chocolate shop in the Village that probably has those things in stock.

    Comment by Mr. Bingley — May 23, 2008 @ 2:04 pm

  8. You people need to stop with the phone Brooklyn/New Jersey acccents. I was born in Brooklyn and live in New Jersey and do not know anyone who speaks that way. The hair dude needs to do a Seinfeld and give up the VOICE.

    Comment by JerseyJooem — May 23, 2008 @ 4:09 pm

  9. Erica, you are too funny!

    Comment by LeeAnn — May 23, 2008 @ 8:08 pm

  10. Well, I was thinking that if the new logo ‘connected’ with him, he might think about a new color scheme that would reflect his inner child — say, something in pink, mauve, and baby blue; with an assortment of kittens, bunnies, baby chicks/ducks, and the like. BTW, I’ve left a little something for you and Jimbo.

    Comment by DMerriman — May 23, 2008 @ 9:52 pm

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