I have learned that Saddam has recently been given permission to write letters to the outside world. We at PRS have managed to get copies of his most recent letters. I thought you might be interested in reading what Mr. Hussein has to say in this PRS exclusive.
With that, I give you Saddamâ€™s letters.
The Honorable Edward Kennedy
24 Sinkorswin Lane
Thanks for your support. I really appreciate it.
I have often wondered where Bush, the Great Cowboy Infidel, hatched his plan to invade my peaceful country and to torment all those people who elected me as their President (100% of them did. Did you know that?). It is because of you that I now know that Bush the Most Infamous War Criminal of the
Twentieth Twenty-First Century (I lose track of time these days) concocted his nefarious plan while sitting in his pathetic ranch in Texas shortly after he stole the election away from my friend Al. I am not surprised. Iâ€™ll bet that war profiteering piece of filth John Cheney had his finger in the pie too.
Oh, and thanks for not letting anyone forget that the American barbarians actually put a pair of panties on the head of one of my loyal party members. How could any human being do that to another human being? Savages. All of them.
Thanks again and again.
P.S. Teddy, I could sure use a bottle or two of Chivas here. I would appreciate your help with that, and I will return the favor once this â€œtrialâ€ nonsense is complete.
P.P.S. Please give my regards to my buddy Al. I hear that he is not well.
President William J. Clinton
987 Whitewater Lane
Saddam here. They donâ€™t give me much writing time here in [CENSORED], so I will have to be brief. I just wanted to say thanks for giving my friend, â€œO,â€ a pass on the Sudan thing. I knew that he had let his guard down, and that is unusual for him. When my intelligence officers told me that he might well be captured or killed by the American Infidels, I told them not to worry, because my good buddy Bill would do the right thing. Sure enough you did. Allah will bestow his favors upon you for that.
Oh, and I got your letter that contained the list of women shortly after you saved my friendâ€™s bacon in the Sudan. I want to let you know that I passed the list on to my security guys. They tell me that you have nothing more to worry about from them. Head (if you get my drift) is no longer an option for these infidel tarts.
So, from one President (I still am the President of Iraq, you know) to another President (Praise Allah, I wish you were still in office), I remain your loyal servant.
Looking forward to seeing you soon.
S. Hussein, the Eternal President of Iraq
P.S. I tried to get one of the guards to get me a copy of your most excellent book, but so far I have not been successful. I sure would appreciate a copy. Do you think that you might be able to autograph it? Maybe that nice lawyer who worked for you (I think his name was â€œVinceâ€ something) could sign it as well. I think that he really is a cool guy, even though I sensed that he didnâ€™t like me very much.
The Honorable John F. Kerry
666 Patrician St.
I hope this reaches you. My address book shows that you have multiple addresses all over the world. I purposely did not use the Washington D.C. address, because they tell me that you are never there
I have to tell you, Big Guy, I was sorta bummed out when I heard that you voted for the Resolution that authorized that warmongering swine Bush to invade my peaceful country. You can only imagine my relief when I heard that you had voted against the Resolution before you voted for it. Unlike the American pigs in your country who support the Great Bush Satan, we here in Iraq are sensitive to nuance.
I try to keep an eye on the presidential campaign in your country, and, from what I see in the New York Times and the L.A. Times (They only let me read right-wing rags here), you are doing great. My loyal party members and I are pulling for you, big time, Big Fella. We and our friends in Saudi Arabia, Jordan and Syria (wink, wink) look forward, with anticipation, to your sending that moron, â€œMission Accomplished,â€ election thief, Bush, back to Texas to live with his livestock.
Praise Allah, I did get your letter about making a campaign contribution. Let me say this. In my next letter, I will give you the umbernay to my isssway ankbay accountay. Not to worry, Buddy. Weâ€™re with you all the way. Having said that, I do hope that, come November, you will remember who your friends are.
Your faithful friend,
The Unanimously Elected President of Iraq
P.S. That Theresa (sp?) sure is one sassy and sexy bit of flesh. I envy your being able to peek under that burqa. Oh, and by the way, what, in Allahâ€™s name, is ketchup?
P.P.S. Jacques sends his regards.
Mr. Peter Jennings
898 Canuck Street
New York, NY
Thanks for all you do. I really appreciate it. I did get your letter before the Anglo hoards invaded my little, happy country here, and, yes, I did sign one of my really cool berets for you. I hope you received it. However, if you did not receive it, how about some really nice figs instead?
I agree with you. That Brit Hume guy is a bag.
Hope to see you soon. Iâ€™ll show you all the good spots in Baghdad.
P.S. Yo, Pete. The bald spot? Call Ron Popeil and get some of that stuff in the spray can. It really works.
The Honorable Hillary R. Clinton
2448 Futures Avenue
My Dearest Hillary,
What can I say? You rock, girlfriend. I can tell you this. Your brilliant speeches about that piece of camel dung Bush set this Presidentâ€™s loins afire, which reminds me. How are things going with Bill?
I had a picture of you in that pink outfit pinned on my wall here, but the guards said that I was making too much noise, so they made me take it down. Bastard sons of Satan.
When I beat this rap, I would like to know whether you be interested in meeting me for some tea and figs?
P.S. Letâ€™s keep this between us, OK?
P.P.S. How is that â€œVinceâ€ guy doing? Helluva nice guy, but he looked stressed the last time I saw him. Please give him my regards.
Ms. Barbra Streisand
987 Vapid Terrace
Los Angeles, CA
Dear BarBRA (Praise Allah, I love that name),
You are the tree of reason amidst a forest of stupid, infidel swine. I read your website whenever I get the chance. It is awesome. Please stay on top of those Neanderthals in Washington. I often think they are not smart enough to recognize a great mind when they see one.
Do you think you might be able to send me a cassette (the bastards took all my 8-tracks) of â€œSecond Hand Rose?â€ That song always makes me tingle.
P.S. Please forgive me, but I just have to ask. YENTL???? WTF?