I know quite a few people who claim to be shitty golfers, but generally they are just golfers who are full of shit. They almost always are pretty farookin’ good golfers, who just claim to be shitty golfers. Well, that’s not me. I really am a shitty golfer.
Having said that, perhaps I am not a shitty golfer in some cosmic sense, but rather it may be more accurate to say that, because I play golf about once every eighteen months, I am doomed to be a perpetual beginner.
Here’s the thing about golf. Growing up where I did, I spent thousands and thousands of hours hitting balls of all types, with bats of various kinds. We played baseball morning till night in the summers and stickball damned near year-round. I could hit fast pitches, curves, or sinkers – never a problem. Toss a ball in my direction, and I would hit it virtually 100% of the time. Boiled down to its essentials, it means that I, along with every kid I grew up with, could effortlessly hit a moving object with a cylindrical-type stick and do so damned near every time.
Therefore, golf should be a no brainer. After all, the ball JUST SITS THERE. No one throws a golf ball at you to hit. No. The damned thing just sits there. Do you have to hit it with a round stick?? No. You get to hit it with a flat-faced object that is damned near three times the size of the ball. It would be as if someone tossed a baseball at you and you could hit it with a snow shovel. Snap City, right?
Here’s how it goes, when I “play” golf.
Jimbo: OK, Ball. You’re just sitting there and you’re not moving at all. Even better, you’re sitting up there on a tee, just waiting to get slugged. I figure you’re screwed.
Ball: Yeah? You think so? Take your best shot, Dipshit.
Jimbo: Don’t call me a dipshit, you pockmarked turd. I am going to smack the shit out of you.
Ball: Sure you are, Jerkface. Run your mouth. Let’s see what you got. Let’s see your stance.
Jimbo: You mean that you want me to “address the ball?”
Ball: Yeah. Let’s see your stuff.
Jimbo: Helooooooooo, Ball.
Ball: JESUS CHRIST! I don’t believe it. Every jerk who has seen that “Honeymooners” episode does the same joke. Gimme a break.
Jimbo: I was just trying to lighten the moment here, Ball. And, now, you’re really going to get it.
Ball: Yeah, sure, Asswipe. We’re on the first tee, and you’ve got a dozen people watching you, and they’re all just waiting for you to make an ass of yourself. No pressure here. Ha ha ha ha ha. Let’s go, Dork Puss.
Jimbo: OK. That’s it. … My feet are right. … I am the right distance from the ball. … I’ve lined up the shot. … Nice easy back swing. … Keep my eye on the little Bastard (even though it is not moving). … Here we go. … Nice and easy. … Make sure that you see the club actually hit the ball. … Not too hard. … Let the club do the work …. SWING
Ball: (Ten feet from the tee) You lifted your head, didn’t you, Putz Boy?
Jimbo: I hope you’re the first of the day to go into the drink.
Farookin’ golf. It’s a good thing I have a sense of humor.