I know quite a few people who claim to be shitty golfers, but generally they are just golfers who are full of shit. They almost always are pretty farookinâ€™ good golfers, who just claim to be shitty golfers. Well, thatâ€™s not me. I really am a shitty golfer.
Having said that, perhaps I am not a shitty golfer in some cosmic sense, but rather it may be more accurate to say that, because I play golf about once every eighteen months, I am doomed to be a perpetual beginner.
Hereâ€™s the thing about golf. Growing up where I did, I spent thousands and thousands of hours hitting balls of all types, with bats of various kinds. We played baseball morning till night in the summers and stickball damned near year-round. I could hit fast pitches, curves, or sinkers â€“ never a problem. Toss a ball in my direction, and I would hit it virtually 100% of the time. Boiled down to its essentials, it means that I, along with every kid I grew up with, could effortlessly hit a moving object with a cylindrical-type stick and do so damned near every time.
Therefore, golf should be a no brainer. After all, the ball JUST SITS THERE. No one throws a golf ball at you to hit. No. The damned thing just sits there. Do you have to hit it with a round stick?? No. You get to hit it with a flat-faced object that is damned near three times the size of the ball. It would be as if someone tossed a baseball at you and you could hit it with a snow shovel. Snap City, right?
Hereâ€™s how it goes, when I â€œplayâ€ golf.
Jimbo: OK, Ball. Youâ€™re just sitting there and youâ€™re not moving at all. Even better, youâ€™re sitting up there on a tee, just waiting to get slugged. I figure youâ€™re screwed.
Ball: Yeah? You think so? Take your best shot, Dipshit.
Jimbo: Donâ€™t call me a dipshit, you pockmarked turd. I am going to smack the shit out of you.
Ball: Sure you are, Jerkface. Run your mouth. Letâ€™s see what you got. Letâ€™s see your stance.
Jimbo: You mean that you want me to â€œaddress the ball?â€
Ball: Yeah. Letâ€™s see your stuff.
Jimbo: Helooooooooo, Ball.
Ball: JESUS CHRIST! I don’t believe it. Every jerk who has seen that â€œHoneymoonersâ€ episode does the same joke. Gimme a break.
Jimbo: I was just trying to lighten the moment here, Ball. And, now, youâ€™re really going to get it.
Ball: Yeah, sure, Asswipe. Weâ€™re on the first tee, and youâ€™ve got a dozen people watching you, and theyâ€™re all just waiting for you to make an ass of yourself. No pressure here. Ha ha ha ha ha. Letâ€™s go, Dork Puss.
Jimbo: OK. Thatâ€™s it. … My feet are right. … I am the right distance from the ball. … Iâ€™ve lined up the shot. … Nice easy back swing. … Keep my eye on the little Bastard (even though it is not moving). … Here we go. … Nice and easy. … Make sure that you see the club actually hit the ball. … Not too hard. … Let the club do the work …. SWING
Ball: (Ten feet from the tee) You lifted your head, didnâ€™t you, Putz Boy?
Jimbo: I hope youâ€™re the first of the day to go into the drink.
Farookin’ golf. Itâ€™s a good thing I have a sense of humor.