This year’s Olympics brings us synchronized diving, which I suppose is a natural outgrowth of synchronized swimming. Of course, that got me to wondering whether this might signal a future trend in Olympic sports. We at PRS like to stay ahead of the curve on such important issues, so it is with that in mind, that I would like to suggest other synchronized sports that the Olympic Committee might wish to consider for inclusion in future Olympic Games:
Basis for Judging: The team’s performance will be judged based upon volume, timbre, duration, wetness, and bouquet. The scoring will also take into account the degree of difficulty. For example, an unadorned, single, monotone bowel wind will garner few difficulty points, but a high-pitched staccato gaseous release, replete with interesting rhythms can be a big winner here. Aesthetics notwithstanding, harmony gets the contestants nothing. Synchronicity is key here.
Suggested US Team: Michael Moore and Al Sharpton.
Basis for Judging: The team’s performance of three minutes in duration will be judged according to the extent to which it demonstrates a complete lack of substantive knowledge of their chosen subject matter, coupled with the arrogance with which their stupidity is conveyed (in perfect unison, of course).
Suggested US Team: Linda Ronstadt and Barbra Streisand.
Basis for Judging: In order to score high points with the judges in this event, the partners must tell the world a completely outlandish story (again, in unison), which could only be believed by someone with the maturity of a three-year old and yet maintain a straight (non-red) face for the duration of the event.
Suggested US Team: Bill and Hillary Clinton. (Possible Alternates – Johnny Cochran and OJ Simpson. Other alternates, if necessary, can be chosen from a large pool of New Jersey politicians)
Synchronized Drunken Ranting
Basis of Judging: The team’s performance will be judged based upon their degree of intoxication, the mindlessness and general unintelligibility of the subject matter and the extent to which they can be thoroughly obnoxious in their delivery. Extra points can be earned with well-placed belches and hiccups.
Suggested US Team: Ted Kennedy and Ted Turner. (Possible alternates – Courtney Love and Sean Penn)
Synchronized Vulgar Gesturing
Basis for Judging: A team will be awarded points based on the number of vulgar gestures that can be exhibited in this three-minute event, with extra points being given for creatively combining gestures.
Suggested US Team: The US should not enter a team, as the Italian Team has a lock on this event.