October 10, 2004

At Home With John and Teresa. No. 18.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 2:33 pm

Teresa: “John?”


Teresa: “John!”


Teresa: “JOHN!! Dammit, stop playing with the LEGOs for a minute. I’m talking to you.”

John: “Oh, sorry, Muffin. Look! I’m making this really cool car. It’s a Bentley.”

Teresa: “Christ Almighty, John. Don’t you have anything better to do?”


Teresa: “Well, anyway, I wanted to let you know that John Edwards called, and he wanted to speak with you.”

John: “Is he still on the line?”

Teresa: “No, he’s not. I told him that you were busy and that you would call him back.”

John: “Jeez, Teresa, I would have come to the phone. Why didn’t you call me?”

Teresa: “I’ll tell you why. Because Edwards was pissed – like really pissed.”

John: “Pissed?”

Teresa: “Get your head out of your ass. I said ‘pissed,’ didn’t I? Turns out that he is really pissed at you.”

John: “Me? Whatever for?”

Teresa: “He said that he’s getting the shit kicked out of him on the campaign trail by the people and the press asking for the details of all these plans you’re talking about.”

John: “Oh, is that all? I’m surprised he is having trouble with those questions, him being a trial lawyer and all. Besides, I have been perfectly clear about my plans.”

Teresa: “You know, John. Sometimes I think you are actually getting dumber by the hour. If he knew the details of your plans, he wouldn’t be calling here asking for them, would he?”


Teresa: “Well, WOULD HE??”


Teresa: “OK, Pelican Boy, let’s hear em.”

John: “Hear what, Muffin?”

Teresa: “Don’t ‘Muffin” me, you prick. I want to hear the details of your plans, and I want to hear them right goddamned now.”


Teresa: “You’d better start talking before I decide to hang my foot in your bony ass.”


Teresa: “STOP!!! You’re repeating the same horseshit that you tell the public. I want to hear the details of your goddamned plans. It’s just the two of us here. So, let’s have it.”


Teresa: “Jesus Friggin’ CHRIST!! That’s the same, warmed-over shit. Is that it? Is that your plan?”


Teresa: “My God, John.”

John: “ Did you say ‘God?’ I…AM…A…CATHOLIC. MY…FAITH…MEANS…A LOT TO—-“

Teresa: “What the hell was I thinking when I hooked up with you, you preening putz? You promised me the WHITE HOUSE, dammit! What the HELL was I thinking? These so-called plans of yours are pure bullshit, aren’t they?”


Teresa: “Well, aren’t they?”

John: “Aren’t they what, Muffin?”

Teresa: “Bullshit, John. They’re bullshit, bullshit, BULLSHIT!”


Teresa: (sighs) “John Edwards is expecting to hear from you. What the hell do you plan to tell him?”

John: “How about I tell him that someone broke into our house and stole my plans. We can blame Karl Rove.”

Teresa: “Maybe I can help you with your plans.”

John: “That’s very sweet of you, Muffin. I appreciate that. Where do we begin?”

Teresa: “Well, you can begin by enrolling in the twelve-step plan offered by Douche Bags Anonymous.”


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