The other day my buddy Dash posted twenty-one pieces of advice. It’s difficult to quarrel with anything in Dash’s list. Reading that list got me to thinking about advice and how I figure that I’ve been on the planet long enough, and I’ve done enough
goofy shit interesting things to qualify me to dispense twenty-one bits of advice of my own. I’m thinking that I must be full of shit, good advice because rattling these off was a breeze. With that, I give you:
Jimbo’s Bits of Worldly Advice
1. Avoid stores like Home Depot, for no good will come of shopping in such places.
2. If you receive a cell phone call while in a public place, seek a private place to take the call. If that is impossible, speak softly and be brief (this is not shoot-the-breeze time), lest you become the victim of a justifiable homicide.
3. Life is too short to drink cheap whiskey.
4. Always accept someone else’s offer to drive, unless the person is drunker than you.
5. Meat should be cooked before it is eaten. It has been thus ever since the discovery of fire. “Bloody” is not “cooked.”
6. Sleeping is a monumental waste of time, and, as such, it should be kept to a minimum.
7. If you want to learn to play a musical instrument, don’t practice it, play it.
8. Profanity is a good thing, if you know when and how to use it.
9. Spend time playing music alone. You’ll be your best audience and your harshest critic.
10. Go through each day secure in the knowledge that Jane Fonda is still a piece of shit.
11. Stay away from people who
think believe that O.J. did not kill those people, for they are dangerously stupid.
12. There is never an upside to smart-mouthing a cop.
13. There is almost never a good reason to be rude to a waiter or waitress.
14. Homemade spirits should be imbibed only by experienced drinkers and, even then, with a good deal of caution.
15. Don’t badger a musician on stage with requests. If the musician solicits requests, he (she) is almost always being polite; as he really knows what will work in the room. If you insist on hearing only exactly the music you want to hear, go to a saloon with a juke box.
16. It’s damned near impossible to screw up a potato or an onion.
17. If you ever have the good fortune to get the chance to shoot the breeze with Catfish, by all means do it. It’s a richly rewarding experience.
18. If someone asks for a gin and ginger ale, don’t make it for them, but rather suggest that the person seek professional help.
19. If someone not from New Jersey says, “You’re from New Joisey? What Exit? Harharhar,” be kind, smile and pretend that it’s the first time you’ve heard it.
20. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are something to be relished with reckless abandon.
21. For the love of God, don’t watch daytime television. That shit will kill you.
That’s it, for now.