May 9, 2005

Livin’ in the Bull’s Eye.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 10:06 pm

Chemical bulls eye.jpgYes, dear hearts, I am one of the 12 million people who lives within a 14-mile radius of what terrorist experts describe as “the most dangerous two miles in America.”

If anything, the New York Times understates the vulnerability that is screamingly obvious to those of us who are familiar with the area in question. Once or twice per year, I have occasion to drive among the various tank farms and chemical facilities that are sandwiched between Newark Airport ant Port Elizabeth, and the mind boggles at the ease with which a bad guy could gain access to these places (let alone the planes taking off and landing at Newark Airport).

It is a huge and potentially deadly problem. And yet, while we try to go about our lives here in the bull’s eye, nothing gets better as the tangle of money-hungry and turf-protecting bureaucracies squawk about insufficient Homeland Security funds for New Jersey. The bitching loses a certain amount of credibility when we see, for example, that the City of Newark spent $300.000 in counterterrorism money on two air-conditioned garbage trucks, and New Jersey Transit used $36 million of Homeland Security money to overhaul the Hoboken Ferry Terminal.

New Jersey’s Department of Homeland Security, established in 2002, has done a good deal to help, but it is woefully behind the curve. Memo to all the knuckleheads who recently said that they would vote for former Governor McGreevey if he were to run again: Does the name Golan Cipel ring a bell?

Of course, the New York Times makes a point of saying, “Since 2001, at least two major efforts to bolster chemical plant security have been stalled, in part by industry lobbyists.” Let me say this. As a person who lives here, I don’t doubt that the chemical industry, already regulated to the point of causing many companies to leave New Jersey, is less than thrilled at the prospect of yet more regulation. Indeed, no business, mindful of its bottom line, is particularly interested in incurring more regulatory expense.

However, I have read some of the proposed regulations (published, by law, for comment in the Federal Register), and typical of many federal regulations, these are poorly written and tend to leave the members of the “regulated community” at a loss to know exactly what will be required of them by the proposed regulations. As such, the “opposition” that the NY Times speaks of appears to me to consist mainly of the comments to the proposed regulations by the regulated community seeking clarity. This is understandable, because Administrative Law 101 teaches us that the federal agency’s interpretation of its own regulations, once adopted, is the interpretation that will, in all likelihood, be the one that is adopted by the courts.

Make no mistake about it, I am all for regulations that clearly lay out what is expected of industrial sites in the most dangerous two miles in America, and I also believe that the chemical industry will comply with such regulations, once they are unambiguously written. After all, their people live here too. If, however, certain industries don’t wish to comply, they can pack up and leave, thank you very much.

Quite simply, we go through each day hoping for the best, but quietly worrying about the worst. We in New Jersey have learned that hoping for something worthwhile from our representatives in Washington is not unlike believing in the Tooth Fairy. The NY Times quotes one North Jersey resident as saying, “People pay taxes and deserve to be protected. But they probably won’t. It’s just the way things work.”

We just keep our fingers crossed, smile, and place our faith in the Washington Tooth Fairies.

May 8, 2005

Blog Western – Chapter III

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 6:19 pm

WitNit has checked in with Chapter III of the Blog Western, and it’s a killer. Kelley is on deck. Lots of damned fine writing going on.

Happy Mothers Day.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 11:32 am

I wrote this about my mother last year on Mothers Day. I still have not come up with a story that better describes this amazing woman and our wonderful relationship.

I miss her.

Da Communion Party.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 10:53 am

It was a very nice party. Ken and Kathy’s granddaughter looked lovely in her communion dress. There were, of course, lots of kids there, and all of them had inherited the gene that drives children to run constantly and slide when exposed to a large, open floor. There were well=behaved and there were no bumps or bruises. The food was excellent and the cocktails were plentiful.

On the center of each table was a dish full of pieces of “white chocolate” in various holy shapes. Of course, ol’ Jimbo thought that they were pats of butter, and I damned near gagged when someone at the table popped one of them into her mouth. That brain fart provided the Usuals with a fair amount of ammunition with which to break my stindeens for the next hour or so.

After the party concluded and the normal people went home, the Usual Suspects all migrated to the bar, where we proceeded to keep the bartender hopping. After everyone was pretty well oiled, we decided we needed what to eat.

We proceeded to a local place named “Joe’s Bar.” No kidding; that’s the name of the place. Like a co-ed rugby team, we descended on the small dining room in the back of the saloon. By this time, it was damned near ten o’clock, and we had been at it since 1 PM. We ordered more beer and stuffed ourselves with Taylor Ham and melted cheese on hard rolls, with onion rings on the side. Genuine Jersey fare to cap off a genuine Jersey shindig.

It must have been a great party, because today I feel as if I had been hit by a bus.

May 7, 2005

Saturday, Saturday.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 10:28 am

The Usual Suspects will be assembling this afternoon to attend the First Communion party for the granddaughter of my friend and bodygoardmay return to the keyboard this evening, but one never knows, because there are … well … cocktails.

P.S. Thanks to Smadanek for the speeling check. 🙂

May 6, 2005

Pretty Simple.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 9:47 pm

When you find yourself starting to type a post knowing that you’re really tired, and in mid-sentence you sort of think you may have nodded off for a second, and when you look at the screen you see “kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk,” it’s time to stop trying.

So, stop I shall.

May 5, 2005

What Key?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 9:06 pm

OK, so your band is playing at a wedding. You’ve paced the crowd just right. Dinner is over, and you’ve got a full dance floor with people dancing their asses off and screaming for more. The place is rocking. Then the bride approaches the stage and says, “Can Uncle Tony sing?”

Oy!

You hope, in vain, that she catches you looking at the screaming crowd ready to do more serious dancing, followed by your ever-so-subtle frown as you prepare to answer question. She awaits an answer, obviously having missed your visual hints. You respond, “What would he like to sing?”

You are told, “I don’t know. He’s great. He can sing anything.”

Meanwhile, the crowd is getting restless and loud. They want to party.

You’re wise enough to know that the bride is the boss here, so you say, “Sure, send him up.”

Four or five minutes pass as the bride, groom and their agents search for Uncle Tony.

The crowd is getting pissed; they can’t understand why you’re not playing. They begin to leave the dance floor.

They locate Uncle Tony at the bar, and he ambles up to the stage with a fresh drink in his hand. Great. Dean Farookin’ Martin.

When asked what he wants to sing, he says “Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime.” Yep, I knew it. The guy thinks he’s Dean Martin. Bad sign.

You ask Uncle Tony what key he would like to sing the song in.

He responds, “It don’t matter. Any key.”

Right there, with those two words, “Any key,” you know you’re screwed.

“Ladies and Gentlemen. May I have your attention, please. We have a special treat for you. Uncle Tony is going sing!”

Uncle Tony’s anticipated vocal performance has just slammed the brakes on the party.

You play the intro. Uncle Tony is holding the microphone down by his waist rendering it useless, which turns out to be a good thing, because he starts singing at the wrong time and isn’t even close to singing in the same key that the band is playing.

You try to make a bit of a joke out of stopping the music to give Uncle Tony another bite at the apple, this time in a different key. You tell him to hold the microphone closer to his mouth.

Uncle Tony makes a joke to the crowd about how the band isn’t getting it. (Flashback to Godfather II – the wedding). We all smile.

You start playing again, this time, hopefully, in a key that Uncle Tony can sing in. You realize that Uncle Tony isn’t even listening to the band. He again starts singing too early. You also realize that you could play the song in the key of “X,” and it wouldn’t make a damned bit of difference. Uncle Tony can’t sing.

The few people left on the dance floor watch, and except for the bride, groom and Uncle Tony’s wife and kids, they are just being polite.

Uncle Tony breaks into the chorus way too early. You try to follow him, but there is no hope.

Finally, it’s over, and a dozen or so people applaud. The other 175 are busy talking.

The party momentum is out the window.

As Uncle Tony leaves the stage, you can see his pinkie ring as he points over his shoulder at the band, and you can hear him tell his buddies, “Dese guys didn’t know da song!”

Thanks for every farookin’ thing, Uncle Tony.

Farookin’ Hopeless.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 7:58 pm

The Garden State is DOOMED.

For The Determined.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 7:15 pm

If you have a spare minute or five, go here, and when you get there, be defiant and remain defiant.

Via The Cheesemistress

May 4, 2005

The Yukon Jack Stare.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 9:10 pm

In the wee hours of the morning at Jekyll, we got to talking about Yukon Jack liquor. I mentioned that I have a fair amount of experience drinking the stuff and, more importantly, watching others “Do Yukon J.” I should note that Yukon J is one of those boozes with a mellow, pleasant taste that beguiles the drinker into believing that it’s tame. However, hidden beneath its palate-pleasing properties, lurks the firepower of a Howitzer.

The 100 proof sledgehammer creeps up on the unwary and, more than any other liquor I know, Yukon Jack has the propensity to produce “The Stare.”

I won’t even bother to describe The Stare, because Rob, who was one of the Jekyll Night Owls, has described it so well.

A word to the wise: If you give Yukon Jack a try and you find yourself saying, “Yo, this stuff is smoooooth,” it is probably already too late. Don’t even think about driving, and you might also consider wearing shades so that no one can see you doing The Stare.

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