I don’t sport facial hair.
In fact, I have never worn a moustache or a beard, except for brief time in the Army a zillion years ago, when I devoted about a week to growing a moustache. After just one week, I realized that: (a) the hair between my upper lip and nose was looking pretty lousy and, quite likely, would never look like a proper moustache, and (b) it was driving me nuts. I always felt like I needed a shave and that my face was never completely clean.
Off that scraggly mess came, and it hasn’t returned since. I know that if I were to try to grow a beard, it would be a repeat performance of my moustache adventure, only worse. My genes seem to be arranged to do all the thick hair stuff on my head, not on my face (or on my chest or back, for that matter). I’m good with that.
Some men wear facial hair all their adult lives, and are happy with it (and, I understand, so are their significant others). I’m good with that too. Hell, it’s their mug to do with whatever they please. However, I do wonder, particularly in the case of longish beards, whether washing one’s face is a big, pain-in-the-ass operation? Does one use a blow dryer? If not, isn’t walking around with wet hair on your face a bitch?
I think it’s fair to say that most men wear beards because they think it is becoming, and, indeed some people look good in beards. Others, however, look as I suspect that I would if I grew a beard – a face bearing a patchy and scraggly mess. Those guys I don’t get.
One of my friends told me he wears a beard because he hates to shave every day. I’m not completely buying that, unless one is talking about the Saddam-Just-Dragged-Out-of-His Rathole look or a ZZ Top type beard, where the wearer just lets it grow wild. In most cases, one has to regularly trim that sucker, which involves not only a razor, but also scissors and a fair amount of time. To me, that sounds like more of a pain in the ass than a daily three-minute zip, zip zip with a Mach III.
The facial hair guys I really don’t get are the ones who work at the perpetual one-day-of- growth look. I believe there are even special razors that are designed to keep these guys looking like homeless people. My advice to them is, “Yo, the next time you shave, stand a little closer to the blade.”
Finally, I believe that facial hair (beards in particular) add five to ten years to the wearer’s appearance. This may be cool in one’s twenties and maybe even in one’s thirties in order to go for the mature, distinguished look. However once one enters the fourth or fifth decade, who needs an additional five or ten years on their mug?
So, I salute my facially hairy friends, but it just ain’t for me.
Bonus points, if you know who the guy in the picture is. No, it’s not Rob.