November 20, 2005

Ask Hillary. (Vol. 2)

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 3:48 pm

You’ve Got Questions? I’ve got Answers.
Because I’m Very Smart, and You’re … Very Not.

Dear Senator Clinton,

Do you ever eat fast food? If so, what is your favorite kind?

Cynthia McNubbet

Dear Cindy,

What great questions! The answer is YES, and my absolute fave is Taco Bell!! A couple times a month, I’ll pick up a big sack of Taco Bell stuff to bring back to my place in D.C. I usually get a couple beef combo burritos, two beef and potato burritos , and four tacos – two hard and two soft. I always make sure I get extra hot sauce, loads of it. When I get home I put on a sombrero and take everything else off, and, girlfriend, I mean everything else. I eat it all right from the bag, while I watch a red-hot Brad Pitt flick. The idea is to eat everything in the bag without using a napkin. Muy caliente!

Dear Senator Clinton,

I am a longtime fan. You are a very strong and successful woman, which is not easy because, as all of us seriously smart women know, it is still a “man’s world.” I am battling my way up the corporate ladder, and I’m worried about hitting the glass ceiling. I would appreciate any success tips you might be able to give to an upward-bound career woman such as myself.

Mary L. VanDean

Dear Mary,

Simple. You have to learn to pee standing up.

When I first got to the Senate, some of the “old boys” treated me in a very condescending manner. You should have seen the looks on the faces of those old farts when they walked into the men’s room and found me standing right there pissing into a urinal. It takes a little practice, but it’s well worth it. They don’t give me any shit now. LOL

Dear Senator Clinton:

I was wondering whether you do anything special to prepare for an event that you expect will require you to be particularly sharp, such as press conferences or live TV interviews.

Maureen O’Connely

Dear Maureen,

Wow! Another primo question! You guys are the best. Yes, there are a few things I do, but one comes to mind at the moment. It was during my campaign for the Senate when I was preparing to debate that guy Rick or what the hell ever his name was. I was pretty wired, and, frankly, more than a little nervous. Know what I mean? Anyway, I sent one of my aides out to the animal shelter to pick up a kitten for me. She brought back this little tabby kitten, and I strangled it. I was good to go then. LOL

Dear Hillary,

I am thirty-one years old, and I am six feet three inches tall, with blue eyes and dirty blonde hair. I work out all the time, which accounts for my magnificent physique, which includes washboard abs and an ass that stops traffic. People say I look like Brad Pitt, but with a much better body. At the moment, I am busy modeling men’s swimwear.

The thing is – I think you are absolutely HOT!! I go out of my mind every time I see you on television. I was hoping I could get your cell number.

Studly Ripped

Dear Studly,

Check you snail mail. I hope you like Mexican food.

Powered by WordPress