I think what is needed to re-kindle viewer interest in the Winter Olympics are some new and exciting events. I have given the matter a bit of thought, and I would like to suggest a few events that might put a bit of zip back into the Winter Olympics.
1. Synchronized Polar Swimming. I suggested this at Bob the Corgi’s site. The event would be held in water that is only slightly above freezing and, as such, I envision it to be a much faster-paced event (albeit with shorter routines) than we have become accustomed to seeing in the Summer Games.
2. Ice Diving. The contestants (men and women) would dive from springboards and platforms, much like they do in the Summer Games. However, to add a bit of winter adventure to the event, the divers will have to dive into a hole that is two feet in diameter, and which has been cut through 12 inches of ice. We expect some dramatic “misses,” which will definitely be real crowd pleasers. Wearing of helmets is not permitted, as it is thought that it would interfere with the aesthetics of the competition.
3. Rocket Skiing. We all know that viewers love speed events. Unfortunately, it may well be that today’s downhill racers, even doing their best to resemble human bullets, are just not fast enough to hold the interest of today’s demanding, Fear Factor viewing audience. Therefore, the new event will permit each skier to wear a rocket engine on his or her back. The size of the engine is strictly up to the skier. Now, that will make for some serious speed (and some seriously spectacular crashes), which is seriously sweet.
4. Ice Wrestling. Just imagine the fun! This event would be exactly the same as it is in the Summer Games (including the contestants’ garb), except it would be held outdoors on the ice. Lot’s of slipping action on a concrete hard surface. Yowza! I suggest that bathing suit-clad women be permitted to participate as well. This promises to be a real ratings champion.
5. Human Cannonball Skiing. I’m certain that the audience has come to the conclusion that ski jumpers have peaked out in terms of height and distance. Therefore, imagine, if you will, a circus-like cannon that fires a skier at high velocity out of its barrel. The size of the powder charge would be left to the discretion of the skier as would the trajectory of the shot. What red-blooded American would not tune in to this event?
6. Sockey. In this event, two teams would take to the ice and would not even engage in the pretense of playing hockey. Rather, each team would simply try to punch the shit out of the other team. The winner would be the team with the last man (or woman) standing. This would most definitely be a prime time bonanza.
7. Snow Shoveling. The idea here is to introduce an event that “Joe and Jane Six Pack” can relate to. The event would simply require an individual contestant to shovel as much snow as possible within two hours’ time. The event also lends itself to team competition. While at first blush this might seem boring to watch, but it cannot be any more boring than watching cross-country skiing and, as previously noted, the average guy or gal can relate to superior performances.
8. Couric – Costas Curling. This would be curling in the traditional fashion, except instead of sliding curling stones on the ice, the teams would slide Katie Couric and Bob Costas. Who wouldn’t like to see that?
9. Snow Pissing. Taking its artistic lead from figure skating, this event is characterized by well-hydrated contestants creating figures by pissing in the snow. There will be a compulsory “school figure” phase, followed a day or so (and lots of beer) later by the free-style event, in which the contestant will produce whatever elaborate snow piss image he can complete. There is a mandatory points deduction for running out of piss. At present, snow pissing will be limited to men until such time that women can demonstrate an ability to effectively compete in this event.