A spokesperson from Governor Corzine’s office announced that, on the heels of the passage of New Jersey’s Smoking Ban, the Governor has signed into law, The Flatulent Emission Reduction Act.
The new law prohibits flatulent emissions in restaurants, bars, public buildings, and workplaces. Specifically, the statute provides, in pertinent part:
“Any person emitting flatulent gas in a Flatulence-Free Location [e.g. restaurants, bars, public buildings and workplaces] shall be guilty of a disorderly persons offense and shall be fined not less than five hundred dollars nor more than one thousand dollars per offense. Each flatulent emission shall be deemed a separate offense.”
In addition, any owner or operator of a Flatulence-Free Location who knowingly permits the release of flatulent emissions on the premises is also subject to fine. The law requires owners and operators of Flatulence-Free Locations to conspicuously post a sign that states:
“This a FLATULENCE-FREE LOCATION. All persons experiencing the need to emit flatulent gases must exit the premises to release such gases. Those emitting such gases must not be within twenty-five feet of the entrance to this establishment.”
Reaction to the new law has been swift. Robert Medvorky, the spokesperson for the Restaurant Owner’s Association stated, “This law is an outrage! This means that, in order to avoid either being fined himself, or having his customers spend the entire evening out on the sidewalk farting, restaurant owners should remove items such as eggs, beans, and cabbage from their menus? It will destroy the restaurant business in New Jersey.”
Patrick O’Malley, the owner of a drinking establishment known as “O’Malley’s Emerald Isle” was disappointed to learn that the law did not contain a St. Patrick’s Day exemption. “BeJesus, how, in Christ’s name, can we be servin’ corned been and cabbage if all our customers will end up outside fartin’ and not inside drinkin’? We’ll go broke.”
Supporters of the law cite to polls that show that people overwhelmingly find the smell of farts to be unpleasant. Claiming that the law also has a basis in promoting good heath, John Braddock, Chairman of the Garden State Clean Air Society, stated:” Research has definitively shown that inhalation of secondhand flatulent emissions can result in long-term circulatory and pulmonary conditions. Furthermore, any college kid can tell you that flatulent emissions are extremely flammable. So this law will not only result in cleaner indoor air, but it will also reduce the possibility of a fart-gas explosion and fire.”
Perhaps the most interesting objection came from a Archie Sendowski, one of several people smoking outside a bar in Hoboken. “This is the last goddamned straw! We’re out here smoking in all kinds of weather, and now we have to be surrounded with a bunch of farters! Who wants to breathe that shit? The terrorists have won, I tell ya.”
The Governor’s Office had no comment when asked why the new legislation permits people to continue farting in Atlantic City Casinos, cigar bars and the State Legislature.