Iâ€™m still pissed, but Iâ€™ve calmed down enough to hold a pen.
Last week I was sitting on my deck overlooking The Bay, sipping a double decaf, latte with Sweet and Lo, when I heard Rosa, my housekeeper, arguing with what sounded like two men.
The next thing I know, these two guys wearing bandannas and MoveOn.org tee shirts came storming onto my redwood deck and dragged me out of the house, tossed me into back seat of a Hybrid and
sped drove away. WTF? You bet I raised hell with these two assholes; I told them who I am and demanded to know what was going on!
The guy in the passenger seat said, â€œYes, we know who you are, but we have our orders, and this is for the good of the party.â€
I screamed, â€œThe good of the party? Are you crazy? Iâ€™m calling Howard Dean this minute!â€
Imagine my surprise when they told me that their orders came from Howard Dean. The guy in the front seat explained that Howie had gotten a call from George Soros and that Mr. Soros wanted me to â€œdisappear until the election is over.â€ He said that I was a â€œdistractionâ€ and that I was jeopardizing his investment.
Distraction? Distraction, my ass! Everyone wants to hear my ideas, and besides, Iâ€™m a goddamned hottie!
I told the MoveOn Duo that I intended to run away as soon as they stopped the car, and that I might even call the police (I secretly figured I could blame the whole thing on Karl Rove â€“ The Times would run with it). They laughed and told me that Mr. Soros said that if I try to escape, he will go to the press with the story about the night I spent with a college rugby team, a quarter keg, and a mondo bong, which was constantly kept full of quality hash. And, he has the video to prove it!
I guess Iâ€™ll stick around here for a bit. Besides, it will give me some time to think about how really cool it will be to be the Speaker of the House. Speaking of the Speaker (a little joke â€¦ LOL), how about that blimp Denny Hastert? Ewwwwww. I will look much sexier in that big chair in the front of that room where everyone meets than that load does. (Memo to self: Get that chair reupholstered â€“ Iâ€™m thinking chartreuse.)
Writing about Fat Denny gets me to thinking about that switch-hitter Foley and his sexy e-mails to that page. Let me tell you, Dear Diary, I knew that page, and he was a flat-out HUNKAROONIE. Shoulda seen the buns on that kid! Between you and me, Diary, I sent that kid a couple of hot, steaming e-mails. In one of them I even sent him a pic of my tits. He replied, that I wasnâ€™t â€œhis typeâ€.
At the time, I thought he must be crazy â€“ hell I sent him a picture of the Pelosi melons, with the high beams on fer Chrissake, but WHO KNEW? ROTFLMAO!!!
Well, Mr. Soros has seen to it that my little â€œundisclosedâ€ hidey-hole has a fridge stocked with caviar and Cristal, and there are plenty of Sarah McLachlan and Yanni CDs on hand, so I guess I can tough it out.
What Mr. Soros doesnâ€™t know is that, once I am the Speaker of the House, it wonâ€™t be long before Iâ€™ll be my friend Hillyâ€™s Vice President, and then I’ll give that Hunkie Prick a swift kick in his paprikas!
Distraction, my ass!