December 1, 2006

Nancy at an Eatery.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:56 pm

Nancy pointing.jpgPRS Operatives managed to catch up with Nancy Pelosi and her driver/assistant, Lance Lovermore, as they sat down to dinner in a local restaurant. Here’s what the carefully placed listening devices recorded:

Nancy: “Do you believe this goddamned place? We’ve been sitting here for a half an hour, and no one has even bothered to set the table. There’s no goddamned table cloth, no goddamned place settings – nothing!”

Lance: “Ma’am …”

Nancy: “Shut up, Lance! I’m speaking for Chrissakes.”


Nancy: “I haven’t even seen a sign of a goddamned waiter since we’ve been sitting here.”

Lance: “Ma’am, this …”

Nancy: “Dammit, Lance! Shut the hell up! I’m the Speaker around here, not you.”


Nancy: “Ah ha! I believe I see the headwaiter! Garcon! Garcon! Come here!”

Gentleman: “Yes, Ma’am, may I help you?”

Nancy: “Are you the goddamned head waiter?”

Gentleman: “No, Ma’am, but I am the manager of the restaurant.”

Nancy: “Fine: you’ll have to do. We’ve been sitting here for more than a half an hour now, and we have been completely ignored. The goddamned table isn’t set, and no one has come by to take our goddamned order!”

Gentleman: “Ma’am, …”

Nancy: “Shut the hell up! I’m speaking here. I want you to send a goddamned waiter here right goddamned now.”

Gentleman: “We don’t have waiters, Ma’am. In this restaurant, you order your dinner at the counter over there and you carry it to your table.”

Nancy: “You must be out of your goddamned mind. You want me to order my dinner from a counter and carry it to the table?”

Gentleman: “That’s the way it works, Ma’am.”

Nancy: “Asshole! Do you have any idea who the hell I am?”

Gentleman: “No, Ma’am; I’m afraid I don’t.”

Nancy: “Goddamned idiot! SPEAK, Lance.”

Lance: “She is Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi, and she is …”

Nancy: “Shut up, Lance! I’m the Speaker in the Goddamned House!”

Gentleman: “I’m sorry. I had no idea. In that case, I would be happy to take your food order and personally deliver it to your table.”

Nancy: “Well, now we’re getting some-goddamned-where. I would like some almond-encrusted Chilean Sea Bass, with asparagus accented with a truffle vinaigrette, and bottle of Cristal, 1999.”

Gentleman: “I’m very sorry, Ma’am, but we don’t have anything like that on the menu here at ….”

Nancy: “Well, goddammit, what do you expect when you don’t provide menus? What do you recommend?”

Gentleman: “I would suggest a Big Mac.”

Nancy: “A Big what?”

Gentleman: “A Big Mac, Ma’am.”

Nancy: “Ah, it sounds like the chef’s specialty. Exactly what does this dish consist of?”

Lance: “Ma’am, I really don’t think you ….”

Nancy: “Shut the hell up, Lance! I’m speaking to this fool. So what is this Big Mac you recommend?”

Gentleman: “Well, it’s two all-beef patties, with a special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions. It’s served on a sesame seed bun.”

Nancy: “Sounds interesting. Is this a French dish?”

Lance: “Ma’am, it’s a cheeseburger.”

Nancy: “It’s a WHAT?”

Gentleman: “He’s right; it’s a cheeseburger. We sell an awful lot of them.”

Nancy: “Listen to me, asshole. The Speaker in the House does not eat cheeseburgers. Lance, get up. We’re leaving.”

Gentleman: “I’m sorry you feel that way, Ma’am. Perhaps a McChicken sandwich?”

Nancy: “Piss off! Move your ass, Lance!”

Nancy: (while walking out the door) ”Lance, what is the name of this shithole?”

Lance: “It’s McDonalds, Ma’am.”

Nancy: “Good. Remind me to call Chuck Schumer when I get back to my office. He’s got connections in the IRS. I want this McDougals place checked out. A cheeseburger for the Speaker in the House? I’ll fix their sorry asses!

Lance: “I’m sorry, Ma’am. I tried to tell you that Mc …….”

Nancy: “Jesus Christ, Lance, don’t you ever shut the hell up? Roll me a goddamned joint, and I don’t want to see any goddamned seeds or stems. I want the primo shit.”

PRS operatives concluded that we are seriously McScrewed.

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