PRS Operatives have obtained several memos indicating that that, on the heels of the SPEAKERâ€™s rule prohibiting smoking in the hall outside floor of the House of Representatives, the SPEAKER will be announcing other changes she plans to institute in the over the coming weeks:
1. Opening Ceremonies. Each dayâ€™s session will commence with the members sitting on the floor in the front of the chamber and joining hands to sing Kumbaya. Members will be encouraged to make their own situpons and bring them to each dayâ€™s session. On Fridays, immediately following the opening song, Smores will be served.
2. Toilet Facilities. All of the menâ€™s rooms in House, except one, will immediately be converted to ladiesâ€™ rooms. According to SPEAKER Pelosi, â€œWomen have waited on lines long enough! Power to the Sit Pissers!â€
3. Snacks. The SPEAKER stated in one memo, â€œThe candy bar days are over. Medical science has definitively shown that eating candy bars not only harms the eater, but the exhaled second-hand chocolate gases are deleterious to those in the immediate vicinity of the candy bar eater. Inhalation of these gases result in chocolate addiction, which in turn contributes to obesity, diabetes and tooth decay.â€ Henceforth, only organically grown fruits and nuts will be permitted in the chamber.
4. Changes in Forms of Address. The SPEAKER has decided that she will not recognize Members to speak by referring to them as the â€œGentleman from Missouriâ€ or the â€œGentle lady from Kansasâ€, but rather as â€œthe Dude from Missouriâ€ and the â€œDudette from Kansas.â€ She stated, â€œItâ€™s about time that the House of the Representatives got, like, groovy.â€