PRS Operatives have obtained several memos indicating that that, on the heels of the SPEAKER’s rule prohibiting smoking in the hall outside floor of the House of Representatives, the SPEAKER will be announcing other changes she plans to institute in the over the coming weeks:
1. Opening Ceremonies. Each day’s session will commence with the members sitting on the floor in the front of the chamber and joining hands to sing Kumbaya. Members will be encouraged to make their own situpons and bring them to each day’s session. On Fridays, immediately following the opening song, Smores will be served.
2. Toilet Facilities. All of the men’s rooms in House, except one, will immediately be converted to ladies’ rooms. According to SPEAKER Pelosi, “Women have waited on lines long enough! Power to the Sit Pissers!”
3. Snacks. The SPEAKER stated in one memo, “The candy bar days are over. Medical science has definitively shown that eating candy bars not only harms the eater, but the exhaled second-hand chocolate gases are deleterious to those in the immediate vicinity of the candy bar eater. Inhalation of these gases result in chocolate addiction, which in turn contributes to obesity, diabetes and tooth decay.” Henceforth, only organically grown fruits and nuts will be permitted in the chamber.
4. Changes in Forms of Address. The SPEAKER has decided that she will not recognize Members to speak by referring to them as the “Gentleman from Missouri” or the “Gentle lady from Kansas”, but rather as “the Dude from Missouri” and the “Dudette from Kansas.” She stated, “It’s about time that the House of the Representatives got, like, groovy.”