Hey, I just flew in from Syria, and boy are my arms tired! ROFLMAO!
OMG, this is the first chance I have had to catch up on my diary, because I was on a very important, most excellent dimploatic trip (Maybe you read something about it. LOL!!), where as the SPEAKER in the House I got to do lots of speaking with people who are almost as smart and as important me.
The plane ride was a riot. At first, Waxman was pretty stiff, but after a bottle or two of Cristal he started to loosen up. I fired up my Peter, Paul and Mary discs and convinced him to try some primo herb. It was a hoot when he started trying to sing “Puff the Magic Dragon,” and he’d get all confused and shit. Then he started snorting and pounding the chair laughing and saying stuff like, “Yeah, yeah. ‘Little Jackie Paper’ … Imagine if he had a brother named ‘Toilet’ or News’?” Then he tried to grab my ass. I can’t say I blame him.
Truth is, some people probably shouldn’t do herb. LOL!!
We spent a couple days in Israel, where I got to speak a lot to a lot of very important people, and were they ever glad I came, because they have some serious problems, and I solved one of their biggest problems in a jiffy.
I gave each of these seriously important people a crystal and we held hands in a circle until we all felt the right vibes. They obviously knew I was an expert at this, because they were all staring at me and saying nothing.
I am totally certain that they have serious denial issues, because do you believe that I had to explain to them that their biggest problem is that they just cannot seem to get along with their neighbors? I told them that you catch more vinegar with flies than honey … no, wait you catch more flies with vinegar than … no, wait! Oh, you know what I mean. I said, “Look, if your neighbors jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge or ran around with scissors, does that mean you have to do it too? And, a rolling stone gathers no moss.” They obviously got it, because they were all shaking their heads. This dimplomacy stuff is a snap.
Oh, then they took me for a ride around Jerusalem and we stopped by this wall. It was awesome. There was a bunch of people there, mostly dressed in black – sort of Gothic, who were head banging. I figured they were all wearing iPods, because I couldn’t hear any music. I forgot my iPod, so I had my driver pull the car near the wall and turn the volume way, way up on my Green Day disc. I hopped out of the car and joined in with the head bangers. They freakin’ loved it! They all stopped head banging, gathered in a group (like a moish pit) and watched me rock. It was awesome.
I know they hated to see me leave Israel, because everywhere I went people were saying “MESHUGENA!!” which they told me means “We’ll miss you!” Still, it was time to leave, because I had to go straighten out our shit with the Syrians.
I totally loved Syria. The day before I was going to meet the president, they asked me if I wanted to see “John the Baptist”. I figured it would be cool to meet an American who has a church in Syria. But, when we got there, the only thing left of John was his head! WTF? What a hoot! Those Syrians are a pisser.
OK, OK. I know. What about the scarf-on-my-head thing? Truth is, at the time, I was so wrecked ‘shrooms I don’t even remember putting the goddamned thing on. After a while, I got to liking it, and, in fact, I am going to introduce a resolution in the House of Congress that will require everyone to wear a headscarf every Thursday as a show of solidarity with our Syrian friends. Yeah, I will expect the men to wear them too – sort of like the ones “Little Steven” wears. OMG, I am going to sooooo miss the Sopranos.
Anyway, the next day I got to meet with the president of Syria. I knew the meeting would be totally great, because he totally never took his eyes off my tits. Well, that’s not exactly true, because he tried to look up my dress as I crossed my legs. I made sure he got a peek. Try that kind of dimplomacy, ChimpyMcHitlerburton!
I told him about my serious talks with the very important people in Israel and how the people there really want to be friends, and I explained to him what the world needs now is love, sweet love – No, not just for some, but for everyone. Then I let him grab my tits.
Obviously, it worked! He told me that he was a big fan of Larry David.
This dimplomacy stuff is a total no-brainer.
I’m glad to be back in the U.S.A., because I ran out of Cristal and decent weed over there. I ended up having to settle for some shit that I got from our interpreter. It tasted like ass and barely gave me a buzz.
Besides, I had to get back because my friend Barbra Streisand is throwing a huge party for me at her house (We made up, but psssssst Don’t mention the “saggy tits” thing, OK?). People are going to pay to come. How totally awesome is that? For $150,000, they can actually sit with me. I’m thinking of offering special pricing: an ass fondle for $175,000 and a bare tit grab for $250,000.
God, how I love being the SPEAKER in the House.