May 31, 2007

Florida: It Ain’t Just Gators.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 9:50 pm

Life 101 has been merciless since my return from the weeklong drinkfest spiritual retreat with the Usuals in Florida. Still, I figure that, lest this place die on the vine, I should take a few moments to share some very important observations about the Alligator Sunshine State and my time there this year with the Usuals and the Regulars from Non-Jersey places such as Fort Wayne, Indiana, Shelbyville, Illinois, Longview, Washington, Kansas City, Missouri, Ashtabula, Ohio and Chattanooga, Tennessee.

Of course, there was the ever-present Angst over the possibility of confronting one of those man-eating, woman-eating, pet-eating, semi-underwater prowling, bacteria-ridden, loathsome creatures commonly referred to as alligators. Spending just about all our time poolside drinking like sailors on liberty discussing trends in modern literature does wonders to take one’s mind off alligators, but who knew that there would be a species of wildlife that could invade the sanctity of “poolside” quaffing inner reflection – and invade it in spades.

You might ask, what species, other than the prehistoric, people-eating variety, could disrupt the Usuals’ vodka swilling moments of serious introspection? Would such animals be larger and more ferocious than an alligator, a lizard, or a monster snake?


Would they be heavily dentitioned, rabies infected mammals?


Would they be avian beasts that swooped down upon us, much as they did Tippi Hedren in the famous movie by Alfred Hitchcock?


”Yo, so Jimbo, what could possibly interfere with the Usual Suspects’ long tradition of pool-sitting, pool bobbing and shit shooting?”

Farookin’ LOVE BUGS, that’s what!

I know that those of you who live in Florida (particularly on the Gulf Coast) know about these hateful, six-legged shits, but for youse guys who don’t know what they look like, take a gander here. You can also see a close up shot here.

Notice how the two insectoturds are conjoined at what for us civilized folks would be called “the ass”. It is the aforesaid heiney to heiney ass-f**king that gets them the name “Love Bugs.” Yes, they fly about in this kinky coital state until the female (the larger of the pair) decides she has had enough of the male (the small sorry ass who gets dragged about much like a farookin’ “Coppertone” sign behind one of those planes that flies up and down the beach at the seashore) at which time she dumps his ass so she can go lay her eggs, which will eventually result in a shitload more bugs.

There were ZILLIONS of them! No, make that GAZILLION BILLIONS of them. They blackened the exterior walls of the place, they covered the walkways, and they blackened the pool’s surface until their dead asses sank and had to be vacuumed from the bottom of the pool.

The good news for us (and for mankind in general) is that these disgusting creatures do not sting. The bad news is that nothing – abso-farookin’-lutely NOTHING keeps them away. We tried everything from citronella candles (they seemed to like the smell) to those Pic coiled insect repellent things, which I have not seen since I was a kid and which smell like what we used to call “punks”. The little bastards flew around in the smoke as if they were sniffing perfume!

Out of desperation, we even tried blasting our immediate area with deadly insect killing spray hoping to create a zone of death into which the little flying fornicating winged shits would not enter. Wrong. They flew into the kill zone and died what I can only presume to be a happy death.

Finally, after a day or so of bug battle, we realized that we had been beaten by their superior numbers and their seeming willingness to die an ecstatic death (terrorist bugs!). While this cursed infestation put a damper on some outside activities, we simply moved our binge drinking spiritual symposia to one of our screened in lanais. After a couple three chocolate vodkas, the little f**king (literally) beasts looked rather comical flitting about outside the screens.

This is the first time in seven or so years that we have had this problem at this time of the year. Some of the locals speculated that it had something to do with the dry spell that Florida has been having. I just hope we remain Love Bug free for at least another seven years.

Still, this proved that it will take more than GAZILLION BILLIONS of farookin’ bugs to keep the Usual Suspects from power drinking exchanging valuable, deep thoughts about important philosophical concepts.

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