I don’t believe that I’m alone in noticing that Speaker Pelosi has been keeping a rather low profile for the past few weeks, quite possibly related to the low popularity ratings for Congress. We at PRS have confirmed that she is indeed spending more time in the office and drinking more than a little Cristal during the day.
In fact, we have learned that one day she was watching members of her staff deal with constituent telephone calls and, perhaps fueled a bit by the bubbly, she decided to take a turn at the phones.
Of course, PRS Operatives were able to obtain transcripts of the calls:
Pelosi: This is the SPEAKER IN THE HOUSE speaking.
Caller: Good morning, Congresswoman. I’m glad to have the opportunity to speak directly with you.
Pelosi: It’s always a pleasure to speak with my constituents. What’s on your mind?
Caller: Well, I recently managed to land myself a job with an oil company. I had been out of work for quite a while, so this job was a Godsend, believe me.
Pelosi: And your point is?
Caller: Oh, sorry for taking so much of your time. It’s just that I worry that your plan to heavily tax profits of the oil companies, as you call them “windfall profits,” might cost me my job – you know, last hired, first fired.
Caller: Excuse me?
Pelosi: You heard me. You’re a typical Wingnut Rethuglican, a tool of the capitalists – When will you wake up and see that you’re being exploited by corporate fat cats?
Caller: Ma’am, I’ve got a job with good benefits, and I’m worried that I might lose it is all.
Pelosi: You’re an asshole. You probably sit around all day drooling on your shirt, scratching your balls and listening to Rush Limbaugh.
Caller: No, I don’t. I said I have a job and benefits, and I’m worried about ……
Pelosi *click* I’m lovin’ this shit.
Pelosi: Hello. This is the SPEAKER IN THE HOUSE speaking.
Caller No. 2: Good morning, Ma’am. I would like to discuss your policy relating to Iraq and, more specifically, whether you have considered the use of your statements by the enemy to galvanize their radical position, recruit more jihadists and to de-moralize our troops?
Pelosi: Wait a minute! What kind of a shitmouthed accent is that? I don’t believe you’re from my district.
Caller No. 2: No, Ma’am, I’m from Alabama, and I wanted ……….
Pelosi: Ala-goddamned-BAMA? You’re not from my district. Why are you wasting my time?
Caller No. 2: Respectfully, Ma’am, I believe that your legislative agenda, including your position with respect to Iraq, affects all fifty states, and that is why I am calling you.
Pelosi: Oooooooh, my “leg-is-lative agenda” … Wow! You’re throwing around fifty cent words there, Goober Boy. You must be one of the ten people in your ass pit state who managed to finish third grade. How’s about you hang up the phone, go back to listening to Rush Limbaugh and humping your sister? *click*
Pelosi: This is such fun! I can’t believe it took me so long to do this. Harriet! Tell Lance to bring me the plastic bag in the bottom left drawer of my desk – the one with the imported oregano in it.
Pelosi: . This is the SPEAKER IN THE HOUSE speaking.
Caller No. 3: Good morning, Madam Speaker. This is Rush Limbaugh speaking. I wonder if you might be interested in appearing on my program some time this week to chat a bit.
Caller No. 3: Madam Speaker? Are you there?
Caller No. 3: Hello? Madam Speaker?