I had a couple things I wanted to write about, neither of which would have won a Pulitzer Prize, but they wouldnâ€™t have stunk, at least I think so. But, the truth is that I have been stoically dealing with an invasion of super microbial invaders into my digestive tract. It is nowhere as nasty or as colorful as V-Manâ€™s encounter with the same or similar organisms. Still, it has been annoying enough. I thought I would share:
Colon: Yo, Jimbo. This is your colon speaking. I think you should listen up.
Me: Colon? Jesus, I have a talking colon?
Colon: Yeah, Asshole. I donâ€™t talk often, but when I do, youâ€™ll damned well know it, and you damned well better pay attention.
Me: OK, I have noticed. Now you have my attention. Whatâ€™s up?
Colon: Yo, remember the other night when I was doing the Pony in your gut (Boogedy, boogedy, boogedy shoop), which sent your sorry ass to bed at 8:30 at night? EIGHT GODDAMNED THIRTY!
Me: Oh, do I ever. I slept for 11 goddamned hours, except for the bathroom breaks. It was pretty awful, turning over and over trying to deal with your antics.
Colon: Iâ€™m glad you remember, because I think youâ€™re being a little cocky right about now.
Me: Waddya mean? Iâ€™m feeling pretty good now. Almost feisty.
Colon: Donâ€™t screw around with me. Remember those â€œtwingesâ€ I sent your way today?
Me: Yeah, I do, but I figured it was your way of saying good-bye.
Colon: Good-bye my ass. It was a reminder that I am still around and still capable of kicking ass and taking names.
Me: OK, so whatâ€™s the deal here?
Colon Just remember who is da boss around here, and maybe you should consider stepping away from the Gottdamned computer until I say itâ€™s OK. Any questions?
Me: Is there anything I can do to convince you to give me a break? You need a will? An Advanced Health Directive? A contract? What?
Colon: Donâ€™t give me any of that lawyer shit. Colons donâ€™t need lawyers. Just do what I say.
Sorry, folks. Looks like Iâ€™ll be stepping away from the computer this evening.