December 5, 2007

Nancy Flies Commercial.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 9:28 pm

PRS Operatives learned that, due to an unspecified bureaucratic foul-up, Madam Speaker’s government airplane was not available to take her from Washington D.C. to San Francisco. Despite her having made several threats to various federal employees and throwing a couple three hissy fits, nothing could be done.

Her only option was to fly commercial.

PRS managed to obtain access to the video tape taken of Madam Speaker at the security checkpoint:

TSA Agent: Ma’am? Excuse me. You’ll have to place your purse on the conveyor.

Nancy: My purse? You want me to give up my purse and place it on that thing? Do you realize that this is a $4,000 Gucci? Besides, I have all my things in that purse. Why do I have to put it on that dirty conveyor?

TSA: We have to x-ray your bag, Ma’am.

Nancy: Is this something new? Do you x-ray everyone’s bags?

TSA: Yes, ma’am. It is standard procedure.

Nancy: Sounds like some kind of bullshit harassment, if you ask me. What if I refuse? You gonna send me to jail or some shit?

TSA: No, ma’am. If you refuse, you just won’t be permitted to board the aircraft.

Nancy: This is bullshit, and I intend to straighten this out when I return to Washington. I don’t have time to screw around here, so I’ll put my bag on your stupid conveyor.

TSA: Thank you, ma’am. Now, would you kindly remove your shoes and place them on the conveyor.

Nancy: Remove my goddamned shoes? Are you out of your goddamned mind? These are brand-new Manolo Blahniks. Six hundred bucks a pair, asshole. I’ll bet you don’t make that in a week.

TSA: Sorry Ma’am. You’ll have to remove your shoes and place them on the conveyor.

Nancy: You are one annoying bastard. OK, let’s get on with it. I’m going to be late for my flight.

TSA: Thank you. Now, please, step through the metal detector, Ma’am.

Nancy: (steps through) There! Are you satisfied, asshole? Now gimme my stuff and let me be on my way.

TSA: Sorry, Ma’am. The screener has indicated that I should check your purse.

Nancy: Why? Do I look like a goddamned criminal to you?

TSA: It won’t take long. Thank you for your patience.

Nancy: I guess you’re too goddamned stupid to know who you’re dealing with here.

TSA: (removing an item from the purse) Ma’am. You are not permitted to bring this aboard the aircraft. It exceeds the permissible container size for fluids.

Nancy: That’s Cristal, you moron. Three hundred bucks a bottle!

TSA: Sorry, Ma’am. If you wish, you can step out of line and arrange to mail it to yourself, but I cannot allow you to board the aircraft with that.

Nancy: Yeah, like I have time to do that. How about you shove it in your ass?

TSA: (removing an item from the purse) You can’t bring these aboard the aircraft either, Ma’am.

Nancy: Are you crazy? That’s a piece of jewelry!

TSA: They’re handcuffs, Ma’am. Not permitted aboard the aircraft.


TSA: (removing a plastic bag containing vegetable matter from the purse) What is this, Ma’am?

Nancy: Oregano.

TSA: (sniffing bag) Pretty expensive oregano, Ma’am.

Nancy: OK, asshole. Give me back all my stuff. I’m leaving and going back to my office. You’ll pay for this.

TSA: Sorry, Ma’am. I have to notify the police (radios police of a problem). Please take a seat over there, Ma’am. The police are on their way, and I expect you’ll be arrested.

Nancy: Listen to me, you piece of shit. Do you have any idea who I am?

TSA: Sorry, Ma’am. I don’t.

Nancy: Well, look at my face. Go ahead. Look!

TSA: (whispering and speaking directly into her face) You listen to me you miserable bitch. I’m looking at your face. I’m looking real hard, and all I can say is that if you get one more goddamned face lift, your tits are going to wind up somewhere around your ears, Mrs. Pelosi. Have a nice goddamned day.

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