I know I should have written sooner, but Iâ€™ve been really busy trying to save the free world. I have been a good girl; really I have, so I hope you can bring me the things on my list. Being a compassionate, charitable and caring person, I have also included some gifts I would like you bring to other people. After all, itâ€™s not all about me.
Hereâ€™s my list.
Information I can use to prove that that Barack asshole has some icky disease that makes his wizzle drip.
Some dirt on Oprah would really be swell too.
A decent voice coach.
A pill that promotes erectile dysfunction, so I can sneak it into Billâ€™s fried cheese sandwiches.
An ass lift (No, I donâ€™t mean a balloon ride for Bill)
Some kickass weed (For medicinal purposes, of course)
Wonder Woman panties
A mirror that tells me Iâ€™m the fairest of them all.
A boob job (No, I donâ€™t mean a gig for Bill. It kills me that Nancy has better tits than I do.)
Gifts for others
Tooth decay and baldness for that smarmy prick, John Edwards.
Explosive diarrhea for that lardass Tim Russert the next time heâ€™s live on TV.
Chronic laryngitis for those jackboot-wearing, right-wing, fascist, racist radio talk show bastards, who constantly say I have no compassion. Pricks, they should eternally burn in hell. (Sorry, Santa. I got carried away there.)
A clue for Barbra Streisand (I know sheâ€™s trying to help, but, my God, sheâ€™s killing me with stupid).
For Bill, an exploding cigar.
Like I said, Santa, Iâ€™ve been a really, really good girl, and I really, really hope you can bring everything Iâ€™ve asked for. I left you some yummy chocolate chip cookies and a nice glass of milk.
P.S. But, remember one thing. If you screw this up, your fat ass is mine once I become the President. Got it?