June 15, 2008

Stop the Presses!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Teresa @ 11:48 pm

N.J. tomatoes declared safe to eat

I’m assuming this is because everyone in New Jersey already has toxic levels of chemicals in their body and therefore it kills off the Salmonella before it even begins.

An Interview with Jimbo’s Great Farookin’ Hair.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Elisson @ 3:39 pm

It’s not often that one has the opportunity to speak with a living legend. It is my honor and privilege to bring you this transcript of a candid discussion with Jimbo’s Great Farookin’ Hair.

The Hair is notoriously reclusive, but we managed to tempt him out of hiding with the offer of a vintage Vitalis.

Elisson: GFH, you’re looking great, as always. How do you do it?

Jimbo’s Great Farookin’ Hair: Aw, ya don’t hafta butter me up. Just because this is the first interview I’ve had in, what, ten years or somethin’? Anyway, I’ve been trying to take better care of myself. Gave up the Vitalis years ago (well, except for tonight.). I mean, you feel great for a little while, and then the buzz wears off, leaving you with this greasy feeling… Now it’s just a little Selsun Blue very morning, coupla swipes with the ol’ brush, and I’m good to go.

El: I hear Jimbo likes to use a special brush.

JGFH: Oh, no doubt about it. It’s one-of-a-kind. Cost him half a year’s salary, and you know that’s gotta be a bundle, him bein’ a Legal Eagle and all. It’s made of the little hairs that grow around wolverine anuses.

El: Wolverine anuses?

JGFH: Yeah… and you have no idea how hard it is to make them little bastards sit still while you tweeze it outta their asses. You gotta tweeze it, ’cause you need the whole hair, follicle and all.

El: I’m… I’m speechless.

JGFH: For once, huh? [laughs]

El: We all know how proud Jimbo is of you. Always shows you off. Never wears a hat.

JGFH: Well, can ya blame him? Seriously, I’m honored that ol’ Jimbo is so proud of me. No damn fedora for him. Er, ahhh… no offense.

El: None taken. You know, every few years, those old rumors surface… you know, that old story that you were a Mossad agent back in the early 1970′s…that you were responsible for nailing Abu Merang, the Australian-Arab terrorist. First time anyone ever got “pouched”… it was both beautiful and terrifying.

JGFH: I can’t really talk about that stuff. It was a long time ago, put it that way. I didn’t always just sit on Jimbo’s cruller, ya know.

El: Anything you can share with us? Jimbo’s away in Hawai’i, and he’ll never know…

JGFH: Well, there is one thing…

El: Don’t tell me… [rolls eyes]

JGFH: You mean you know about the colander?

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