Since the President has decided to release the so-called “Torture Memos,” there has been much talk of “Enhanced Interrogation Techniques.” PRS Operatives have managed to obtain a copy of a CIA Memorandum setting forth the Enhanced Interrogation Techniques and the permissible duration of their use, which the Agency has determined would be acceptable to the current administration.
To: Operations Personnel
From: Office of the Director, McLean, Virginia
Re: Permissible Enhanced Interrogation Techniques
Effective immediately, only the following Enhanced Interrogation Techniques are authorized for use, irrespective of the criticality of information being sought:
1. Serve breakfast orange juice made from concentrate. (Three breakfast maximum)
2. Limit the use of the Wii device to the bowling game. (Maximum one week)
3. Awaken prisoner fifteen minutes earlier than usual. (Maximum three days)
4. Serve canned vegetables with dinner. (Maximum three dinners)
5. Face the corner for a good, long time-out. (Maximum 40 minute duration, followed by a twenty minute rest period and no more than two time-outs per week)
6. Withhold regular chair massages. (Maximum four days)
7. Limit salad dressing to three choices. (Maximum ten days)
8. Make green Jell-O the only dessert choice (Maximum 7 days)
9. Tell the prisoner that you will be really, really disappointed in him if he doesn’t answer your questions. (Maximum once per session).
10. Refer to the prisoner as a “Poopy Head.” (Permissible only with extremely belligerent prisoners and no more than twice per session)
NOTE: THE FOREGOING IS BASED UPON OPINIONS RECEIVED FROM THE AGENCY’S OFFICE OF LAW. HOWEVER, THE AGENCY IS UNABLE TO GUARANTEE THAT USE OF THESE TECHNIQUES WILL NOT RESULT IN A FUTURE PROSECUTION. YOU ARE ADVISED TO RETAIN COUNSEL AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE TO OBTAIN INDEPENDENT LEGAL ADVICE.
UPDATE: Doug Ross has more!