September 19, 2009

Ask Hillary (Vol. 12)

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 3:54 pm

You’ve Got Questions? I’ve got Answers.
Because I’m Very Smart, and You’re … Very Not.

Dear Secretary Clinton,

I’ve been a huge fan of yours for years now, and what I really want to know is when was the last time you used a rectal suppository?

With best regards,
Aldo Simbiletti

Dear Aldo:

Thank you for your probing question. LOL!!! As a matter of fact, I used one this morning, as I do every morning. I pre-soak them in pepper sauce. I credit this regimen for my always-pleasant disposition.

Dear Mrs. Clinton:

Here’s the thing. I think you’re really HOT – like smokin’ hot. Last night I had a dream that you were pole dancing. You were, like, naked, and you kept looking right at me. It was an awesome dream. What are your thoughts on pole dancing?

Sly Strump

Dear Sly,

ROFLMAO!!! Thank you for the compliment. Actually people often say to me, “Hillary, you’re not only scary smart, but you’re knock-down gorgeous.” I’m a humble person, so I just politely thank them. As for pole dancing, I’m all for it. In fact, one time a year or so ago, Teddy Kennedy invited me to one of his Washington parties. As usual, it was awash with booze, but this time he had a pole installed on the dance floor. After doing a shitload of tequila (and a bit of herb), I took my turn on the pole. No, I was not naked. I wore only my thong. Charlie Rangel was shouting, “Man, that is one fine, white boo-TAY!” Harry Reid kept touching himself, and Teddy poured scotch all over me. It was awesome!

That Teddy sure was quite a rapscallion. I’ll miss him.

Dear Madam Secretary:

I know you are not very anxious to answer questions about your husband, but I am concerned about him. He seems to have aged quite a bit since he left office. How is his health? Has he slowed down a bit?

Very truly yours,
Concerned in Seattle

Dear Concerned:

You have a keen eye. Look, you can only bang hookers, secretaries, interns and showgirls like a screen door in a windstorm until it begins to catch up with you. Lately, I’ve noticed that he sit-pisses all the time. He used to only sit-piss in the middle of the night. Worse yet, about half the time after he sit-pisses, he has to stand and look into the bowl to see if he did anything else. I’d worry about him, but I’m very busy and shit.

Dear Secretary Clinton:

I fully support President Obama and his administration, but I think that Michelle Obama looks like a yeti. Do you agree?

Gillian Frumpus

Dear Gillian,


Previous Editions of “Ask Hillary”:

Vol. 1
Vol. 2
Vol. 3
Vol. 4
Vol. 5
Vol. 6
Vol. 7
Vol. 8
Vol. 9
Vol. 10
Vol. 11

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