September 12, 2009

Bo’s Diary (Vol 2).

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 1:08 pm

obama-dog-half-size

DOGGY THOUGHTS FROM BO, THE PRESIDENTIAL POOCH.


Wow, it’s been quite a while since I made my first entry into my diary. Himself is out of the house at the moment, Bigfoot is taking a nap (I can hear her snoring – Yikes!) and the kids are playing video games, so here goes.

Quite a bit has changed around here since my last entry. Back then, Himself and Bigfoot were all cheery and shit all the time. Now, not so much. I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but Himself is always blabbing about healthcare. Hell, one night I thought he was going to completely lose it. He went on, non-stop, for at least two hours talking with no one else in the room but me about all the “ignorant assholes, rednecks, terrorists and capitalist pigs who just don’t get it” and how he was going to “fix their asses.” I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head.

Finally, Bigfoot stomped (and I mean it was some serious Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum stomping) out of the bedroom and screamed, “Hey chump! Can’t you see we’re trying to sleep here? Give it a f**king rest!” Well, then the shit really hit the fan. There was lots of screaming and once they starting throwing things around, I hid behind the couch, but I could see shoes and other stuff bouncing off the walls. After much screaming, Himself gave her the stink eye and said, cold as ice, “Shut your f**king mouth bitch, or I’ll slap the shit out of you!”

Bigfoot responded, “Oh, really? Howzabout I hang my size 12 in your café au lait-colored ass?”

Fortunately, at that moment Chris Matthews came on the television, which immediately calmed Himself down. He loves to watch Chris Matthews, he does.

Speaking of television, who is “Glenn Beck?” All I know is one day Himself wandered down to the kitchen for some arugula and pine nuts (I followed, hoping for a biscuit or something) and one of the cooks had this guy Glenn Beck on the television. Himself went totally batshit crazy. “What’s that mother**ker doing on this television? I ought to shove this arugula up your ass!” He smashed the TV with a frying pan and stomped (lots of stomping around here) out of the kitchen without his arugula, and I didn’t get a biscuit either. I guess there’s something about that Beck guy Himself really doesn’t like. Oh, I heard someone say that the cook now works at a nearby McDonalds.

Then there is the guy they call “Rahm.” I believe he scares the shit out of everyone, including Bigfoot and Himself. Nobody hollers at Rahm, but Rahm seems to be hollering at somebody all the time. You know how they say that dogs can sense when someone is a bad guy? Well, I’m here to tell you it’s true, and I’m also here to tell you that this guy Rahm is one really bad apple – a real shithook. I can’t stand his sorry ass.

In fact, the first time I saw him, I did everything I could to take an industrial-size piece out of his leg. I admit it; I did my best growling, barking and lunging for the sonofabitch but the Secret Service guy holding the leash pulled me away. Rahm, the pussy, whined, “Get that motherf**king dog away from me, or I’ll have the motherf**ker killed!” Bitch.

Anyway, after Rahm left and I was alone with the Secret Service guys, they all laughed, patted me on the head and gave me a shitload of bacon. Cool guys, those Secret Service Guys. I think they have even a tougher gig than I do.

Well, that’s about all for now. I’m off to take a nap while it’s still quiet around this nuthouse.

September 11, 2009

Remember.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 9:24 am

falling-man

NEVER FORGET. NEVER FORGIVE.

September 10, 2009

How to Lose My Attention.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 7:29 pm

These are just some of the things that will cause me to stop reading what you write or listening to what you say (or in either case will cause me to not take you seriously):

1. Maintaining that that people opposed to The One’s stinking policies are racists. Shame on your sorry ass, if you really believe that nonsense.

2. Using the term “Faux News.” I’m sure Katie Couric thinks that’s really clever, as she is, after all, a deep thinker.

3. Stating that the country is going down the dumper because of the “failed policies of the previous administration.” That shit is really getting old.

4. Saying with a straight face that Van Jones was the victim of a “vicious smear.” That’s laugh-out-loud funny.

5. Using the term “teabagger.” I would suggest the term “poopy head” instead. At least then you would just sound garden variety stupid and not sick in the cruller.

September 9, 2009

The Detestable Bill Moyers.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 10:16 pm

It may come as a shock to this jackass, but I know legions of people who, much as I do, despise Obama’s policies, and neither I nor any one of them wants any harm to come to the President. However, if Bill Moyers were to be hit with a speeding freight train, well, that’s something else.

There are plenty of people who can’t stand Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck and Mark Levin about as much as I can’t stand Bill Moyers. The difference is that, unlike the case with Moyers, the government doesn’t seize a portion of their income to pay Limbaugh et al.

If The One and his acolytes get their way, shitheads like Moyers will be the standard bill of fare, all on the taxpayers’ dime.

September 8, 2009

Van Jones’s Answering Machine.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:44 pm

answering-maching1van-jones1PRS Operatives have again employed their proprietary technical skills to obtain access to Van Jones’s answering machine. Here is a sample of what they heard:

BEEEEEEP

Van, Vladimir Putin here. Tough break, Komrade, but glad to hear that you’re still on our team. One of my people will be contacting you. Be on the lookout. Our man will say, “Hello, my black soul brother. Are you with the Mets down?” You will respond, “Right on, my groovy homey.” Take the envelope and follow the instructions.
click

BEEEEEEP

Hi Van. Nancy Pelosi here. I was up late Saturday night doing tequila body shots and primo weed with Hilly and a well-built Scandinavian man when we heard the news. Sucks, what those wingnut bastards did to you, lying about you and all that. Hey, now that you’ll have some free time, what say you come over some night and partaaaay (wink, wink) with Hilly and me? Herbs, powders and patchouli oil will be in abundance. While we partaaaay (wink, wink), we can groove to some Joan Baez or, if you prefer, Miriam Makeba. Call me. I’m worth it.
click

BEEEEEEP

Hugo Chavez here. Hey, Amigo, just wanted to let you know that you have an open invitation to come down to my country. We need smart guys like you. Screw that Beck guy. I’ll make sure you have your very own radio and television shows, and you won’t have to worry about any competition from capitalist pig broadcast companies.
click

BEEEEEEP

Hey Van, Rahm here. Listen to me, asshole. I’ll speak real slowly. After you left fifteen f**king messages on my home phone, twenty f**king messages on my office phone and a dozen more on my f**king cell phone and you didn’t get a return call, didn’t it occur to you that I had nothing to f**king say to you. Oh, and stop with the f**king messages on the Boss’s phone too. Don’t make me unleash the IRS on your ass.
click

BEEEEEEP

Hi Van, Michael Moore calling. I just finished a new movie called, “Capitalism: a Love Story,” and I’d sure like to film you for an intro piece. You’d be f**king perfect. Call me. We’ll do donuts.
click

BEEEEEEP

Hello, Van. Keith Olbermann here. I’m planning on doing one of my awesome special commentaries about the stupid poopy heads that hounded you out of office. I think they are soooooo totally stupid, and I think you’re soooooooo freaking cool. Can we get together for a couple Brandy Alexanders and talk about it? Call me, please.
click

September 7, 2009

Normandy, Then and Now.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 1:15 pm

Here is something interesting for a rather slow day on the internet.

It is a series of photos taken of Normandy in the days and weeks after the D-Day invasion in 1944, with each photo followed by the same scene as it appears today. They are at once both sad and inspiring.

Enjoy the holiday.

via C&S

September 6, 2009

“I’m the Only Important One on that Stage.” Updated.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 1:51 pm

paul-ankaTake a listen to Paul Anka carry on like a lunatic hold a “meeting” with his band.

You can see about half of the meeting here. Nothing makes a musician more upbeat about making music than being harangued with a series of F-bombs and threats of immediate termination. You can see how well it’s working by looking at the faces of the musicians.

He says, “I’m the only important one on that stage” five times (in the full version). I somehow think the band has something to do with the success of his shows, but, hey, that’s just me.

Update: In the comments to this post, Craig pointed me to The (Almost Complete) Paul Anka Integrity Kick at Ace of Spades HQ. Scroll down the right sidebar. Hilarious.

September 5, 2009

Saturday.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 1:10 pm

Beauuuuuuutful day. I’ll be hanging poolside with the Usual Suspects.

Maybe a cocktail or two.

September 4, 2009

Something Real Easy on the Ears.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 10:06 pm

I heard this the other night in the car on the way home from work, and I was captivated by it. I’ve never thought much one way or another about Carly Simon, but she sure sings the shit out of this song.

Listen and enjoy.

September 3, 2009

Firefly Comes to Jersey!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 7:25 pm

firefly-vodka-2Some time last summer, the Joanster wrote about a new vodka experience – Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka. Being a vodka hunter and dutiful vodka sampler and reporter (too many links to include – go to the search box and search “vodka” – zoiks!), I was dying to try it. A month or so later, I was in Tennessee with a group of hopeless reprobates bloggers and former blogger Zonker brought a bottle of the stuff and even gifted me and Ken, my bodyguard, with a few bottles to take home, each sip of which I savored.

Since that time, I lamented the general lack of availability of the excellent libation in the Garden State. Recently I learned that my mondo liquor emporium of choice has begun to carry it. Not only to they carry the regular Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka, but they also carry all the Firefly variations on the theme: Raspberry Sweet Tea, Lemon Sweet Tea, Mint Sweet Tea and Peach Sweet Tea! (Check out the link above – turn your speakers on.)

Be still, my farookin’ heart!

As I write this, my freezer boasts a bottle each of the regular Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka, Lemon Sweet Tea Vodka and Peach Sweet Tea Vodka. I have “sampled” all three, and each is simply MAHvelous. It is great poured over ice (only CLEAR ice, of course) or mixed with a bit of seltzer.

In these times when each morning’s news seems to bring me a fresh kick in the stindeens, learning that I can buy this 100% American elixir a mile or so from the House by the Parkway brings me a bit of joy.

A Note to Jersey Peeps: “Sweet Tea,” a product of the South, is not to be confused with its pale, and weaker cousin known to us and every diner in Jersey as “Iced Tea.” No, “Sweet Tea” is supercharged, heavily sweetened tea that is drunk plain, over ice, and it’s very good. It would go great with a Taylor Ham and Cheese on a Hard Roll – something not yet appreciated in the South.

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