Look, I know I’m the Leader of the Free World, the Most Powerful Man on Earth, Infallible in All Matters, Really Smart and Exceedingly Handsome. I know I have legions of people waiting for me to express my desire for virtually anything so that they can provide it in an instant. You name it — I can travel to anywhere on short notice, I can summon virtually anyone to my office, I can get anyone on the phone anywhere-any time, and I can get a Clark Bar at three a.m.
There are, however, a couple things I could use your help with. So, waddya say? I can make it worth your while. Know what I mean?
Here’s my very modest list:
1. When you visit the White House, perhaps you could remove all the clothes from Michelle’s closets and replace them with grownup things. Once I tried to suggest that it might not be so cool to show up at official functions dressed like Homey the Clown, and my ass is still bleeding.
2. Can you load my mother-in-law into your sleigh and get her the hell out of my hair. Damn, Santa. I’m the goddamned President, and I’m stuck with my mother-in-law. That just ain’t right.
3. Three of four cartons of Marlboros would be nice. Just don’t leave them under the tree. Leave them in my desk drawer, third one down on the left.
4. Any chance you could arrange for Sean Hannity, Mark Levin, Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh all to be on one bus at one time and have it, like, plunge into the Grand Canyon? That would be so sweet. Those guys really piss me off.
5. How about a little pocket mirror that I could keep with me during the day? People tell me I have a nice ass, and I’d like to admire it myself from time to time.
6. Speaking of pocket things, I’d like a new pocket calculator. The one I have can’t do trillions.
7. I’d really like a cape. Rahm says it would be over the top and wouldn’t let me send an aide out to buy one. I think it would be cool, and I think that it is entirely fitting that I should wear a cape.
8. Could you drop off a bunch of crossword puzzle books at Joe Biden’s house? I need to keep him busy. Please make them the easy kind, because he has trouble with three-letter words.
10. Finally, could you drop a big rock on Bill Clinton’s head? I have his annoying wife under control, but that Arkansas goober is trouble with a capital T.
Thanks, and, like I said, there are lots of ways I can make this worth your while. Besides, you really don’t want to piss me off, do you?