PRS Operatives have managed to get their hands on a copy of Santa’s reply to The One’s letter to Santa. We have the exclusive.
I received your letter. I wanted to let you know that things have been pretty rough this year up here at the North Pole, and I’m afraid that they may get worse.
Do you have any idea what it costs me and Mrs. Claus to heat this place? It’s the North Friggin’ Pole! Your energy plans, which are based on the
global warming climate change baloney, may cause us to freeze to death up here. If I thought that animal farts had anything to do with warming the planet, I’d feed my reindeer nothing but beans and beer!
Speaking of my reindeer, I used to feed them lots of corn. Now that much of the corn crop is being used to make ethanol for cars, I’m feeding them reindeer kibble. They hate it, and they’re losing weight. I’m worried that they won’t be able to go the distance on my Christmas rounds this year.
Speaking of my Christmas rounds, the sleigh won’t be as full this year, as I had to lay off a dozen elves to keep from going bankrupt. And, because I don’t know what else you and the boobs in congress still have in store for me and Mrs. Claus, it doesn’t look like I’ll be re-hiring anytime soon. To make matters worse, the remaining elves are talking about unionizing, which will certainly put me out of business.
So, Barack, on my Naughty Versus Nice Scale, you came up on the naughty, side big time. I will, however, make a brief stop at the White House to drop off a lump of coal in your stocking. Yeah, coal. I had to further screw up my cash flow in order to stock up on the stuff before you put the coal industry out of business.
P.S. I know that you asked for a calculator that is capable of handling trillions. Instead, I’m thinking about bringing you a calculator that only goes as high as 50 so you can keep track of the number of states.
P.P.S. Oh, and you wanted a pocket mirror so that you could admire your ass from time to time. I don’t think you need a mirror. All you have to do is pull your head out of your ass once in a while and take a look.