Much has been written about the report card that The One gave himself during his interview with Oprah. PRS Operatives have obtained a copy of The One’s report card from 1970. Again, we have the exclusive.
Kahanua Elementary School — Report Card
Teacher: Mrs. Williams
Student: Barack H. Obama
Teacher’s Comments: Barack’s arithmetic skills are sorely lacking. He cannot seem to distinguish between or among orders of magnitude. For example, he cannot recognize the difference between 1,000 and 1,000,000, much less the difference between 1,000,000 and 1,000,000,000. He doesn’t seem to have any interest in mathematics. I suggest that you consider hiring a tutor.
Teacher’s Comments: Barack reads at an acceptable level, although he has demonstrated a rather unique ability. He can open two identical books to the same page and separate them by several feet and seamlessly read the text aloud by looking back and forth between the books. I doubt that he will ever be able to put such a skill to practical use.
Teacher’s Comments: Barack was responsible for turning in three compositions this marking period, and we discovered that all three were written by other people. Two were written by other students and one (dealing with socialism) was obviously written by an adult. In the future, Barack will be required to write his compositions by hand in class in front of a proctor.
Deportment/Social Skills: F
Teacher’s Comments: Although Barack gives the appearance of being very friendly, he is actually somewhat aloof and tends to talk down to his fellow students. The students he does gravitate to tend to pose deportment problems of their own, often relating to honesty, which may explain why Barack has been known to be less than truthful on several occasions. Remarkably, when it becomes obvious to all concerned that a previous statement that Barack had made was untrue, he remains completely unfazed. Notably, Barack does not handle criticism well and often becomes defensive and argumentative. What is particularly upsetting is that he has been known to claim that, because of his African-American ancestry, he is not being treated fairly. I believe these issues should be explored with a child psychologist, as I fear that without direct and prompt professional intervention, Barack will not amount to much as an adult.