I had a case of the ass to begin with. I had been stewing over the detestable Harry Reid using my money to bribe Senators Nelson and Landrieu to vote for his stinking bill. As such, it was a particularly bad day to have to drive through the slippery street slop to in order walk among the troglodytes in the supermarket.
They didn’t disappoint.
Yo, asshole. What a swell idea that you decided to park your cart in front of the cheese display and lean on it while you had a meandering conversation with one of your buddies. You were too engrossed in your discussion of some silly shit to hear my “Excuse me.” It apparently didn’t bother you when I leaned around your goddamned cart like a goddamned contortionist to actually purchase some goddamned cheese. It’s a goddamned crowded supermarket, not the local men’s club. Jerk.
A special thanks to the fat-assed lady who felt she absolutely had to stop her cart in the middle of a busy aisle so she could make what was no doubt a very important phone call. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t calling Weight Watchers. Maneuvering around her was a special treat, given that the vengeful Supermarket God always sees to it that I wind up with a grocery cart with a dysfunctional front wheel, which only becomes obvious when there are a shitload of groceries in the cart.
This one was the clincher.
I rounded the corner of one of the aisles and was positively giddy to see that it was empty, except for one brofus, extremely unattractive woman troglodyte who appeared to be carefully studying a label on a can. My elation with coming upon a virtually unobstructed aisle was short lived, as I soon learned that the woman’s apparent rapt interest in the printed word on the can was a ruse to make it appear that she had not just cut a massive, maggot-gagging fart. Obviously, there was no way she could have outrun the spread of the noxious gas, which, in scant seconds, enveloped the entire aisle, so she opted for the “pretend not to notice the deadly gas” ploy. No wonder the aisle was clear. I damned near puked.
Other than that, it was a swell day.