Itâ€™s been a long time since I sat down to write in my diary. Thatâ€™s because Iâ€™ve been totally busy slamming the shit out of my gabel while speaking in the House. Iâ€™ve been breaking my gorgeous ass getting laws passed that are, like, totally rad. Free stuff for everyone!
And yet, what do I get in return? A bunch of mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging idiots carrying flags with snakes on them â€“ yes snakes! â€“ asking me about the constitutionicity of the laws that I broke my picture-perfect ass to pass for them. Ungrateful bastards! Pricks! Iâ€™m the goddamned SPEAKER in the House, and I know all about the constitutionicity of stuff. Obviously, those snake-flag waving Nazis never heard of the Good and Plenty Clause in the Constitution.
Then there was the election. What did I do on the night of the election? I planned my own little victory party, because nobody can beat me in my district — ever. My people love me. So, I had laid in an ample supply of high quality herb — no stems or seeds. Totally primo shit. I paid for the services of a Mexican named Diego who was going to show me how to play â€œRide the Bucking Burro.â€ He brought over some homemade enchiladas and one of those big hats â€“ You know: the kind those people wear â€“ a somblego or some shit.
We fired up the weed and watched Keith Olbermann. He is sooooo smart, but Diego seemed a bit puzzled by it all, so I kept him busy by letting him play with my tits. By the time the polls on the East Coast closed, we had done the enchiladas, a couple six packs of Corona and three or four shots of Jose Cuervo. I was wearing my somblego and nothing else.
We were just getting started playing the Bucking Burro Game when I got a bunch of calls from the whiney-ass house members who were in the process of getting their asses kicked in the polls. It was like, â€Oooooh Nancy, Iâ€™m like totally screwed. I did everything you said and voted the way you told me to, and now Iâ€™m going to have to get a real job. Whatever am I going to do?â€
Crybaby bitches! They didnâ€™t do everything I told them to do, because if they did, they would still have their jobs. I told them a gazillion times, â€œIf you want to win elections, you have to look sexy â€“ like me!â€ But did they listen? Nooooo. So now they want to bellyache to me? Screw them. I unplugged the phone.
Besides, I wanted to hop back on that bucking burro.