Oh, was I speaking about flying? I believe I was.
I figure that thereâ€™s only a handful of people who know the system by which air fares are priced. Hell, for all I know, maybe itâ€™s controlled by one evil genius, or purely by computer bots. What I do know is that I paid a very â€œfrilledâ€ price to fly on a â€œno frillsâ€ airline. The real fun begins after you buy a ticket.
Want to check a bag? (Can you imagine? People traveling actually might have a suitcase?) Itâ€™ll cost you.
Want to carry on a bag? It will cost you even more than a checked bag?
Does your bag weigh more than forty pounds? If so, it’ll cost you an additional $25. If more than fifty pounds, the additional bag fare will set you back $50. Because the return flight was delayed, I had the opportunity to watch several people forced to make the choice between forking over their credit cards for the additional charge or going through their luggage on the terminal floor in front of everyone in order to either move their stuff into another suitcase or toss it.
Want to choose a seat? It will cost you, even for an â€œeconomyâ€ seat, which provides sufficient room for the average four-year old.
Want a soda? A beer? A glass of juice? Bag of pretzels? It will cost you. (No cash; credit card only)
Want a farookinâ€™ drink of water? Yep, itâ€™ll cost you. (Three bucks â€“ credit card only)
If you happened to place your credit card in your one â€œpermitted personal item,â€ you can forget about trying to get it out from under the seat in front of you, unless, of course, you are three-feet tall and a contortionist. Even if you were a three-feet-tall contortionist you wouldnâ€™t be able to get at your â€œpermitted personal itemâ€ if the INCONSIDERATE PRICK in front of you reclined his seat.
No movie, no music, no magazine â€“ not even one of those cheesy airline magazines. No frills, baby.
None of this bothered the lady sitting three seats away from me, because she had paid NINE DOLLARS for her seat. It bothered me quite a bit, having paid roughly twenty times that amount for my seat. Hell, I paid more airfare for my suitcase than that lady paid for her seat.
The good news is the plane didnâ€™t crash. Thatâ€™s something.
Still, three bucks for a drink of water? Canâ€™t get to your credit card? Like the guy in the beer commercials says, â€œStay thirsty, my friend.â€