Nancy’s Letter to Santa
Hi! Nancy here! You know who I am, because I am a very important person. In fact, for a time I was two heartbeats away from the presidency, but then those rat bastard Rethuglicans took the House of Representatives, and that skunk John Boehner stole my gabel. That made it a tough year for me, but I still do very important things, like make speeches and stuff where I say important and interesting things. While doing all these important things I still manage to look super hot.
So, seeing as how I’ve been a really good girl, I know you will bring me everything on my list. Here it is:
A mirror that will tell me every day that I am the fairest in the land
Some tie dye thongs
A coke dealer who makes house calls on time and who offers quantity discounts
A complete collection of Moby Grape CDs. They were soooo groovy.
At least a half a kilo of Maui Wowie.
Something that would keep Chuck Schumer from constantly grabbing my ass.
A plague on every stinking Rethuglican in the congress and the evil, racist bastards who vote for them.
I can’t wait for Christmas morning to get all my gifts!
I wanted to let you know that I received your letter up here in the North Pole. In your letter you asked for many things for Christmas. As you know, I keep track of who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. I hate to tell you this, but you didn’t score any “nice” points this year, and you came close to breaking the record for “naughty” points (the record is currently held by the bad boy in the White House).
I’ll be blunt. Are you shitting me? Do you think that Santa doesn’t know about all that weed, blow, Cristal and that “Hide the Salami” stuff? Let me tell you something, Missy. Santa don’t play that shit and he doesn’t do plagues.
Tie dye thongs? Sweet Jesus, woman. My elves howled with laughter at that one – then puked.
A magic mirror? Ha! You don’t need a magic mirror. Just ask Chris Matthews. He’ll tell you that you’re the fairest in the land whenever you like, and he’ll kiss your ass to boot.
Moby Grape? Gimme a freakin’ break!
Something to keep Chuck Schumer from grabbing your ass? I suggest that you show it to him. That oughta do it.
Bad girls normally get coal in their stocking, but it is difficult to find coal these days, thanks again to that annoying kid in the White House. Besides, you are so thoroughly loathsome, coal would be too good for you. Because Santa doesn’t like to leave someone with an empty stocking, on Christmas morning, in your stocking you will find a pound of steaming reindeer shit.
Very truly yours,