As you by now know, the Beloved Leader of New York City, by regulatory fiat, will outlaw the sales of any sugary beverages by restaurants, sports venues, movie theaters, delis, and street carts in New York City in quantities larger than sixteen ounces. Itâ€™s all about obesity, dontcha know. Soopernanny is looking out for you, because he knows best.
PRS Operatives have obtained a draft of future regulations contemplated by His Excellency:
1. Restaurants must cut all food into bite-sized pieces before it is served to the customer. Food served to customers 65-years old, or older, must also be pre-chewed by the restaurant staff.
There are several reasons for the City taking these actions. Soopernanny is mindful of the number of choking deaths resulting from people putting too much food in their mouths at one time and not sufficiently chewing it before swallowing (Older diners often lack the robust dentition necessary for proper chewing). This regulatory action will also serve to reduce the incidence of indigestion for New Yorkâ€™s restaurant customers.
2. Consistent with Rule No. 1 (above), restaurants will no longer be permitted to provide customers with knives. This will prevent diners from cutting themselves with sharp implements, which, can also serve as dangerous weapons. Forks will also not be provided, as pre-cut and/or pre-chewed food can be safely enjoyed with a spoon.
3. Desserts will be permitted, provided that they contain no sugar and are served in a maximum portion size of one cubic inch. Restaurants will be permitted to serve only one portion of dessert per customer, and the restaurant shall not permit the practice of dessert sharing.
1. The stadium or arena may sell hot dogs, but they shall be no larger than cocktail franks. Under no circumstances shall any customer be permitted to purchase more than two hot dogs at a time.
2. Peanuts can be sold, provided they are contained in a bag made of recycled paper containing no more than six peanuts per bag. Under no circumstances shall any customer be permitted to purchase more than two bags of peanuts at a time.
Note: PRS Operatives will monitor future regulatory developments in the Nanny City across the Hudson River.