The Jimbo Awards — 2008.
As the end of what may prove to be an historic year the beginning of the end of the Republic approaches, it seems fitting to, once again, bestow upon deserving recipients the Jimbo Awards. The last time these awards were given was in 2004.
We don’t have a panel of judges, and we don’t poll anyone. This is not a democracy. I decide on the categories, and I make all the choices my badself. If you don’t agree with my selections, feel free to hand out your very own awards.
The awards are in no particular order.
1. Biggest Loss of Career and a Shitload of Money by a Professional Sports Douchebag.
The Winner – Plaxico Burress, who was dumb enough to bring a handgun into a night club, and in an even dumber move, managed to shoot himself in the leg. Still not satisfied with how much stupid he could fit into one day, he tried to cover the whole thing up. Now we learn that he is being sued for slamming his Mercedes into the ass end of a woman’s car in Florida, and he has no insurance. Why? Because he failed to pay the premium. All this will cost him a career worth roughly $35 million. Maybe he can get a gig at the local car wash.
2. The Biggest Bullshit Story Foisted Upon the American People. Ever.
The Winner – Man-Made Global Warming, which has since become known as “Climate Change.†We are to believe that there is a consensus among scientists that man-made global warming causes “climate change†and that the reason we are freezing our asses off this winter is that the planet is too hot, and that we made it too hot. The so-called “consensus†has all but evaporated, but that doesn’t even give pause to the enviro-kooks, who want to take the country backward two hundred years.
3. The Most Memorable Instant Politician.
The Winner – Caroline Kennedy. Princess Caroline was plucked from her Park Avenue digs and her two-hours per week fundraising “jobs†to become the leading candidate for the New York Senatorial seat. Instant politician! Just add bullshit and gobs of liberal hypocrisy and media slobber.
4. The Greatest New Vodka Find.
The Winners – Yes this is a three-way tie: Three Olives Triple Shot Espresso Vodka, Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka and Zyr Vodka (smooth as silk), proving that 2008 did have its good moments.
5. The Most Famous Partisan Rag Posing as a Newspaper.
The Winner – The New York Times. The only thing about the Times that has sunk lower than its credibility is its stock price. Perhaps next year it will win the Jimbo Award for The Most Famous Partisan Rag Posing as a Newspaper that Went Belly Up.
6. The Biggest Douchebag on Television Posing as a Newsman.
The Winner – Keith Olbermann. This preening, bloviating asshole and his spittle-spewing “Special Commentaries†are enough to curdle milk, and he has the moxie to use Edward R. Murrow’s signoff.
7. The Worst Governor in the United States.
The Winner – Rod Blagojevich. Until recently, New Jersey’s own Jon Corzine (whose goal in life seems to be to tax and regulate New Jersey into the stone age), was a shoo-in for this award. However, in the past few weeks Hot Rod Blagojevich easily snatched the prize and, in the process, reminded us Garden Staters that it is possible to have a more worthless turd for a Governor than Jon Corzine (or his predecessor, Jim McGreevey).
8. The Single Word that was Most Annoying.
The Winner – “Green.†Yes, “Hope†and “Change†were close contenders, but they are two words, and as sickeningly pervasive as they are, they are nowhere near as ubiquitous as the word “Green.†Green this, green that, the city’s going green, the company’s going green, green energy and, perhaps the one that makes my hair hurt the most, “Green Jobs.†Believe it or not, conservatives don’t want to shit the place up. We live here too. But, enough with the stupid squiggly light bulbs (with mercury in them) and mindless regulations such as those that require a Hazmat Team to show up dressed like astronauts if someone drops a thermometer on the floor, or those that slam the brakes on property development, because two goddamned whateverfinches live on the 100-acre tract.
9. The Most Annoying New TV Pitchman.
The Winner – the ShamWOW Guy. What’s with the wear-on-your-face microphone? Is it necessary to talk to the “camera guy†during what is, most certainly, well-rehearsed bit? The ShamWOW Guy makes Ron Popeil sound as mellow as Mister Rogers.
10. The Most Thoroughly Detestable Politician.
The Winner – Barney Frank. This category posed the greatest challenge. There are so many thoroughly detestable politicians, choosing the most thoroughly detestable politician is not easy – sort of a Sophie’s Choice in reverse. Among the contenders were: Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Chris Dodd and Chuck Schumer, but Congressman Frank, who is frankly (pun intended) sickening in every conceivable way, nosed the others out. My skin crawls every time he opens his fat, toothless, always-lying yap. Whenever I watch the videotape in which he uses the word “shibboleth,” which sounds like a combination of Daffy Duck and Tom Brokaw I could literally shit myself as a result of a confluence of hysterical laughter and rage.
