April 21, 2009

Vee Haff Vays of Making You Talk.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:15 pm

Since the President has decided to release the so-called “Torture Memos,” there has been much talk of “Enhanced Interrogation Techniques.” PRS Operatives have managed to obtain a copy of a CIA Memorandum setting forth the Enhanced Interrogation Techniques and the permissible duration of their use, which the Agency has determined would be acceptable to the current administration.

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MEMORANDUM

To: Operations Personnel

From: Office of the Director, McLean, Virginia

Re: Permissible Enhanced Interrogation Techniques

Effective immediately, only the following Enhanced Interrogation Techniques are authorized for use, irrespective of the criticality of information being sought:

1. Serve breakfast orange juice made from concentrate. (Three breakfast maximum)

2. Limit the use of the Wii device to the bowling game. (Maximum one week)

3. Awaken prisoner fifteen minutes earlier than usual. (Maximum three days)

4. Serve canned vegetables with dinner. (Maximum three dinners)

5. Face the corner for a good, long time-out. (Maximum 40 minute duration, followed by a twenty minute rest period and no more than two time-outs per week)

6. Withhold regular chair massages. (Maximum four days)

7. Limit salad dressing to three choices. (Maximum ten days)

8. Make green Jell-O the only dessert choice (Maximum 7 days)

9. Tell the prisoner that you will be really, really disappointed in him if he doesn’t answer your questions. (Maximum once per session).

10. Refer to the prisoner as a “Poopy Head.” (Permissible only with extremely belligerent prisoners and no more than twice per session)

NOTE: THE FOREGOING IS BASED UPON OPINIONS RECEIVED FROM THE AGENCY’S OFFICE OF LAW. HOWEVER, THE AGENCY IS UNABLE TO GUARANTEE THAT USE OF THESE TECHNIQUES WILL NOT RESULT IN A FUTURE PROSECUTION. YOU ARE ADVISED TO RETAIN COUNSEL AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE TO OBTAIN INDEPENDENT LEGAL ADVICE.

UPDATE: Doug Ross has more!

16 Comments »

  1. I think serving nothing but hot crispy Bacon sandwiches for every meal would be a good one for our insurgent buddies.

    Comment by hammer — April 21, 2009 @ 9:26 pm

  2. Make #1 Minute Maid and I PROMISE they’ll be talkin’ before the bacon cools!!!

    :-)

    Comment by Tammi — April 21, 2009 @ 10:36 pm

  3. NOOO!!!! Not the green jello torture!!!! Animals!!!

    ROFLMAO.

    Comment by Teresa — April 21, 2009 @ 11:32 pm

  4. See, that ironic and funny disclaimer nails what the whole agenda really is with Alinsky – -uh — Obama. The subtler Hope and Change is that if they criminalize actions of our military and security institutions, alas, even the Presidency– no one will want to sign up for such a possibility.

    Then, anyone who does not eschew violence or coercion under all circumstances will be seen as reckless and unfettered. . . a dangerous wing nut.

    Comment by Joan of Argghh! — April 22, 2009 @ 3:02 am

  5. RE: #5, I think it’s quite a bit more humane to say, “Go to your Naughty Spot.”

    Comment by dogette — April 22, 2009 @ 8:01 am

  6. After reading this I can’t help but think of the Bugs Bunny cartoon with “Naughty, naughty Finster”.

    The green jello…..have you no decency, sir?
    Limit chair massages……why, you should be dragged before Judge Judy for some good old fashioned frontier justice.

    Comment by RobbieRob — April 22, 2009 @ 8:45 am

  7. And all this should be administered at the local county jails where the Gitmo prisoners would be taken.

    Can the press use #9 with Obama? He never actually answers a question.

    Comment by MAS1916 — April 22, 2009 @ 10:52 am

  8. Extend use of “I know you are, but what am I?” by 5 minutes per week.

    Forbid the use of the phrase “Allah, Shmallah”, but allow the use of “Mohammad, Shmohammad”, provided it is followed by “Peace Be Upon Him”

    Comment by Eamon — April 22, 2009 @ 11:10 am

  9. “concentrate”? I think juice with tons of pulp is pure torture… especially when it’s room temperature.

    Comment by gregor — April 22, 2009 @ 1:44 pm

  10. Will these same compassionate rules of engagement be used when the Urkel Brownshirts come for us?

    Comment by Ernie Nilsen — April 22, 2009 @ 8:28 pm

  11. And when you launder their jumpsuits, use only ONE dryer sheet. That’ll show ’em!

    Comment by Serenity — April 22, 2009 @ 11:30 pm

  12. limited chair massages? The Horror!

    Comment by oddybobo — April 23, 2009 @ 12:31 pm

  13. […] My nurse, Husband PoopyHead, might breakdown and request such treatment also.  Please give this a […]

    Pingback by Please Torture Me « Mama Bin Cranky — April 23, 2009 @ 3:49 pm

  14. […] the rest at Parkway Rest Stop. (h/t Cassandra) Sphere: Related Content If you liked my post, feel free to subscribe to my […]

    Pingback by New Guidelines On Enchanced Interrogation Techniques » Pirate’s Cove — April 23, 2009 @ 8:33 pm

  15. Noooo! Not the comfy chairs!!!

    Comment by Alex — April 24, 2009 @ 6:30 am

  16. I know it’s barbaric and lowers us to their level, but I really was hoping The Comfy Chair would have made the list, even if only for such extreme cases as a Ticking Bomb scenario.

    .

    Comment by Joe Doakes — April 24, 2009 @ 10:07 am

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