June 30, 2006

Good Heavens, Mr. Smith.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:08 pm

St. Peter: “Good morning, Mr. Smith. May I call you Rob?”

Rob: “Sure. Rob will be just fine. And, who are you?”

St. Peter: “I’m St. Peter, but, if you wish, you may call me Pete.”

Rob: “St. Peter? Well, I’ll be damned!”

St. Peter: “No you weren’t. These days we save the damnation thing pretty much for murderers, rapists, child molesters, crooked politicians, and, of course, comment spammers.”

Rob: “You’re telling me that I’m in … Heav—-”

St. Peter: “Yep. Where’d you think you were? Jersey?”

Rob: “No. I am just a little confused. The place looks just like Georgia on a beautiful spring day.”

St. Peter: “Yep. We’re pretty good at arranging such things here. I thought I’d give you a bit of an orientation. I do that for the new arrivals. Let’s start with your new house over there. What do you think?”

Rob: “Nice place. It’s a lot bigger than the Cracker Box, but that will mean that I have more to keep clean. The Cracker Box used to get pretty grimy, Pete, but I have a feeling that you already knew that.”

St. Peter: “Yep, we knew that, but you needn’t worry. This place cleans itself while you’re sleeping. It also has a huge, fully stocked library, and we already know the kinds of things you like to read. But, if you want something you don’t find there, just let us know. Oh, and it also has a recording studio, which we’re certain you’ll find to your liking.”

Rob: “So, you already know that I’m a guitar player?”

St. Peter: “Absolutely. In fact, there is another room in the house that contains a couple dozen guitars, acoustics and electrics. If you want something that’s not in there, just let us know, and we’ll take care of it.”

Rob: “Heh! How about a pre-CBS Strat, or a twelve-string Rickenbacker?”

St. Peter: “Both already there.”

Rob: “Speaking of guitars, I believe I hear guitars playing now.”

St. Peter: “Yes you do. That would Chet Atkins, Hank Williams and Johnny Cash. They’re at Chet’s place down the road, warming up. They heard you were coming, and they thought you might like to do a little pickin’.”

Rob: “Chet Atkins, Hank Williams and Johnny Cash? All right: I’m calling bullshit here! Oh … wait… am I allowed to say ‘bullshit’ here?”

St. Peter: “Frankly Rob, we don’t give a shit about that. After all, they’re all just words, aren’t they? And, I assure you that Chet and the boys are waiting to have you join them, whenever it is convenient for you, of course. I told them you most surely would want to visit with your parents a bit first.”

Rob: “My parents? They’re here?”

St. Peter: “Sure. Ha! You didn’t think they’d be anywhere else did you? In fact, they’re right here in the neighborhood.”

Rob: “I’d like to see them right now, please.”

St. Peter: “No need to rush, Rob. There is plenty of time here. You’ll get used to it. Besides, I’ll just be a couple more minutes.”

Rob: “Damn, I sure am anxious to see them. I’m sure you understand that.”

St. Peter: “Certainly. Don’t worry. They know that you have to get the brief orientation first. I should let you know that there are also plenty of fine looking, well-spoken women who are anxious to ‘meet’ you, if ya know what I mean. I understand that many of them have been painting their toenails red.”

Rob: “Bejus! Wimmen? Red toenails? And, yeah, I do know what you mean. Is, uh…, that permitted here?”

St. Peter: “Yep, that is most definitely permitted. Here we’re big on the consenting-adults-in-privacy thing.”

Rob: “Well, that sounds great, but I had this operation where they installed this bionic di—.”

St. Peter: “Look south, Rob. You’ll see that we’ve replaced that pump thing with original equipment.”

Rob: “Bejus on a bike! A new dick!!! Oh, sorry, Pete.”

St. Peter: “No problem. I can understand your excitement.”

Rob: “Damn, nice house, books, guitars, wimmen with red toenails and a new Johnson! Next thing you’ll tell me is that you allow beer, wine and booze here too.”

St. Peter: “Absolutely. People seem to forget that my Boss was and is quite the wine guy. Drinking is not a problem here. The bar in your house remains fully stocked with anything you’d like.”

Rob: “Well, Pete, I have to be honest with you. I love to drink, but I had a bit of a problem with it. It even sent me to the hospital. What’s more, when I drank I sometimes would write things or say things that I regretted. Maybe you should 86 the bar.”

St. Peter: “Not necessary. We arrange things such that people can drink whatever they like and they become friendlier with each drink. We see to it that there are no traffic accidents. There are no hangovers either.”

Rob: “How about smokes?”

St. Peter: “Same deal. Smoke all you want. It won’t make you sick, and the people who don’t smoke won’t see or smell anything.”

Rob: “Listen, Pete. I don’t mean any disrespect here, but I figure that there must be a catch. What is it?”

St. Peter:

Rob: “Ah! I knew it. So, what’s the deal?”

St. Peter: “This is no catch, Rob.”

Rob: C’mon. Don’t shit me. There absolutely must be a catch. Do I have to work 23 hours a day cleaning toilets? Shoveling shit? Babysiting cats? What is it?”

St. Peter: “No catch.”

Rob: “No catch?”

St. Peter: “No catch.”

Rob: “Damn, I’m blogging this.”

36 Comments »

  1. Sweet. If there’s wifi in heaven Rob is LHAO tonight. All over the blogtopia, the Rumblers are writing — a lot. I think that’s the best tribute of all.

    Comment by Libby — June 30, 2006 @ 8:19 pm

  2. Very cute…

    Comment by Lisa W. — June 30, 2006 @ 8:19 pm

  3. Excellent.

    Comment by pam — June 30, 2006 @ 8:28 pm

  4. That’s awesome Jim! I got a good chuckle out of it.

    Comment by Beth — June 30, 2006 @ 8:58 pm

  5. Jimbo…you’ve got one helluva great imagination! Great piece!!

    Comment by marcus — June 30, 2006 @ 9:02 pm

  6. Excellent post, especially the last line;)

    Comment by SK — June 30, 2006 @ 9:33 pm

  7. Wow. Just… wow.

    Comment by Jay — June 30, 2006 @ 10:00 pm

  8. A heartfelt beautifully written non-judgemental post.

    Comment by h~ — June 30, 2006 @ 10:12 pm

  9. That was just perfect! Loved the last line!

    Comment by Sharon — June 30, 2006 @ 10:21 pm

  10. Jimbo

    best I have read re: Acidman

    He would get a kick out of it.

    Comment by jerry — June 30, 2006 @ 11:07 pm

  11. … I signed the guestbook for you, Jimbo… excellent post…

    Comment by Eric — June 30, 2006 @ 11:43 pm

  12. Funny as hell Jimbo, now go eat a Taylor Ham, Cat

    Comment by Catfish — July 1, 2006 @ 2:17 am

  13. Fabulous :)

    Comment by Ann — July 1, 2006 @ 4:12 am

  14. I gotta say – I think that was one of your very best Jim…

    Comment by Tammi — July 1, 2006 @ 7:23 am

  15. Out-Frelling-Standing Jim! I have tears coming down my face, and am laughing my ass off at the same time. Thank you my friend.

    Comment by Laughing Wolf — July 1, 2006 @ 8:24 am

  16. Jim – that was brilliant. I loved it!

    Comment by Kate — July 1, 2006 @ 8:33 am

  17. I had a few tears in my eyes and then the end. Great punchline! Thanks.

    Comment by KathyP — July 1, 2006 @ 8:41 am

  18. Great post, Jimbo!

    Comment by That 1 Guy — July 1, 2006 @ 10:58 am

  19. Jim…I’ve never put a trackback on my Friday Fishing posts because well…they just spoke for themselves. Kinda like ‘a picture is worth a thousand drools’.
    But your words on this post are the caption to my post. Thanks for completing it!

    Comment by marcus — July 1, 2006 @ 11:30 am

  20. ROTFLMAO! You did forget to mention that no one used ketchup on steaks, ants and cats didn’t make it in ever, and the temp never dropped below 70 degrees.

    But what a sweet gesture!

    Comment by Beatle412 — July 1, 2006 @ 6:55 pm

  21. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA but you left out if there was any cats..

    Comment by GUYK — July 1, 2006 @ 8:06 pm

  22. That was great! The punch line was perfect.

    And Guy, of course there are cats in heaven. The dogs have to have something to chase.

    Comment by Nancy — July 2, 2006 @ 12:17 am

  23. Excellent! I’m still laffin’ and a’ grinnin’!!

    Comment by nwvjr — July 2, 2006 @ 12:41 am

  24. Most excellent Jim! Thanks for the laugh (and cry)

    Comment by Amy — July 2, 2006 @ 11:52 am

  25. Well, I’ve read a whole shiteree of eulogies for the Acidman, but this is the first one that brought a tear to my eye.
    And I’m a pretty tough old bastard. Well done, Jim. Very well done.

    Comment by Ol' Lurker — July 2, 2006 @ 1:51 pm

  26. That is awesome. And I’ve just been thinking the last couplea days that if anybody could find a way to blog from the hereafter, it’d be the Acidic One. Thanks for the chuckle!

    Comment by Marianne — July 2, 2006 @ 2:14 pm

  27. If anyone ever compiles his best posts…..there should be a chapter at the end just for this ……beautiful!

    Comment by Jean — July 2, 2006 @ 5:58 pm

  28. Just wanted to letcha know…

    My Dad just called me from the lab at DuPont (in Joisey) and told me about this.
    Not only do I think it’s great, Dad said it damned near made him cry.

    Rob woulda like it, too…

    Hugs to ya…

    Comment by Stevie — July 2, 2006 @ 11:08 pm

  29. Beautiful!

    Comment by Fausta — July 3, 2006 @ 2:00 pm

  30. Jim -

    When emotions have cooled, I’d like to engage you in a more clinical conversation about Rob. I had a brief and futile e-mail volley with him about 4 years ago concerning the train wreck I seemed to be witnessing. He blew me off with remarkable candor and little effort. I confess to feeling a bit guilty for not giving him a harder time. In any event, I’d appreciate your perspective.

    Comment by ghostcat — July 3, 2006 @ 8:53 pm

  31. LOL! Great job!!!

    Comment by Moogie — July 4, 2006 @ 9:40 am

  32. Fantastic tribute.

    Comment by Vermont Neighbor — July 4, 2006 @ 2:14 pm

  33. That was great!

    Comment by Lolly — July 7, 2006 @ 11:08 am

  34. Beautiful.

    Any heaven that could hold Rob would HAVE to have Wi-Fi.

    Comment by Elisson — July 7, 2006 @ 2:03 pm

  35. Carnival of the Vanities #200 – Acidman Memorial Edition…

    Jim remembers Rob in the context of their most unlikely friendship, between a Yankee lawyer and a Jawja cracker.

    Later, in one of the funniest posts ever, Jim puts us there when Rob meets up with St. Peter. …

    Trackback by Accidental Verbosity — July 20, 2006 @ 3:18 am

  36. I don’t honestly know how I missed that … more than a month later, and shite like this still breaks me up.

    Just beautiful.

    Comment by erica — August 9, 2006 @ 11:06 am

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