August 3, 2006

Ask at Your Own Risk.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:07 pm

compass2.jpgI’m guessing that, on the average, about once per week a driver hails me during my morning walk to ask for directions. I know that many joggers and exercise walkers resent being asked to stop their workout to give directions, and some go so far as to ignore the lost motorist. Being one who spends a good deal of time being lost, I always stop and try to help.

The problem is that the poor bastard asking directions has no idea that he or she is dealing with someone whose brain is not properly wired to give good directions.

As I’ve mentioned on several occasions, I know how to get from Point A (almost always my house) to Point B, from Point A to Points C, D, and E. However, if someone asks me how to get from point B to point E, my brain seizes.

The result, of course, is that the unsuspecting sorry-ass, lost motorist (who is at Point B but who wants to get to Point E) sees only the catatonic expression on my face, attributing it, surely, to the sweat and accelerated heart rate that comes from exercise. Little does he or she know that a klaxon is going off inside my head signifying a neurological meltdown as I try to mentally connect Point B to Point E.

Still, I do the best I can, and I dispense the requested directions. The hapless motorist drives away secure in the knowledge that, by following my directions, he or she will arrive at Point E.

Invariably, about a minute or two after the thankful driver leaves the scene, I realize (in the best case) that I gave the trusting soul roundabout directions born of my inadequate directional brain chemistry and (in the worst case) I sent the poor bastard in the wrong direction. On many occasions, I have feared that a now-more-than-ever-lost driver will circle back to kick my ass.

Hell, I mean well.

I think what I need is a shirt on which appears (front and back). “I GIVE SHITTY DIRECTIONS. ASK AT YOUR OWN RISK.”

19 Comments »

  1. Hey, why not tell him how to get to your house first and then to Point E? Might take him out of the way but he could get there eventually, no?

    Comment by joated — August 3, 2006 @ 8:22 pm

  2. joated, I like it, thinking outside the box…
    Jim, I used to work at a gas station, my first job when I was 14 and people ALWAYS came in to ask for directions. I could GET them there if I could’ve gotten into the car with them(but couldn’t) but to give good directions…that’s an art.

    Comment by Lisa W. — August 3, 2006 @ 8:48 pm

  3. Hehehe…I do good directions…if I have time to sit down, think about it and write it out. But if someone asks me out of the clear-blue like that…well…they might as well ask me what the square root of 3,675,405,000 is. Or how to build a nuclear reactor.

    Comment by Pammy — August 3, 2006 @ 8:51 pm

  4. yeah, you just go down there three or four miles to where Johnson used to have that old barn that the tornado took with it and take a right..no wait, its the next road past that that you take a right and when you get to where Blevins used to live..I don’t know who has that farm now but…

    Comment by GUYK — August 3, 2006 @ 8:54 pm

  5. Jim – Are you also a member of the “See America Unintentionally Club”?

    Comment by MCPO Airdale — August 3, 2006 @ 10:24 pm

  6. When I was in High School, I was gassing up my ’69 Dodge Polara (had to throw that in; not sure why) at one of our local gaseterias when a car pulled up next to me and the driver leaned out and asked, “Which way to Canada?”

    I was a little puzzled, because from SW MT, there are quite a few ways to get to Canada, including, but not limited to going to Seattle and hanging a left.

    I did the best I could and waved vaguely north. “I’d keep a-going that way. You’ll get there sooner or later.”

    That seemed to satisfy them, and they drove off.

    Surreal.

    Comment by Craig — August 3, 2006 @ 10:32 pm

  7. Priceless.

    I don’t know many men who will admit it but…I too give have NO sense of bearing. There, I’ve said it.

    Recently, as I was leaving a small country store, a Latino guy pulled up and asked for directions to Linville Falls…a popular tourist attraction in this area.

    I said, “Yeah…I know where it is. Have you ever been there before?”

    The guy said, “Jess”…clever translation huh?

    I said, “Isn’t it WILD when the guide turns off the flashlight and it’s pitch black?”

    The poor dude looked at me like I had suddenly sprouted a second head and said, “Jess.”

    Well, I gave him directions and he drove off. I pulled out behind him and kept thinking of how the guy had reacted to my question. Maybe he did’nt speak English very well.

    Then it hit me….I thought the guy had asked for directions to Linville FALLS…he had ACTUALLY asks for directions to Linville CAVERNS!!

    It was an honest mistake…I was just so happy to have known the answer to someone’s plea for directions that I “screwed the pooch”!!

    Hell, I can’t find my way home from my own driveway!

    Comment by Ron Doble — August 3, 2006 @ 10:33 pm

  8. Er, I guess you should hang a right at Seattle for Canada. Left would take you to Mexico.

    In that case, just turn around and head back.

    Comment by Craig — August 3, 2006 @ 10:34 pm

  9. .. what you need is a compass and GPS…. wait, you were Army… nevermind….

    Comment by Eric — August 3, 2006 @ 10:36 pm

  10. 60625.118556585105

    Comment by Jack Bog — August 4, 2006 @ 1:35 am

  11. My daughter is completely direction-incapable. She gets lost, calls me for directions. The conversation always begins “which way are you going?” She never knows. She says just give me right and left, I say it depends on which way you are facing. She gets mad and says that makes no sense… Then I let her talk to her mom, who translates for me.

    Comment by hoosierboy — August 4, 2006 @ 8:42 am

  12. hoosierboy,

    I’m a right and left person too, and I pick the wrong one with a frequency that is well beyond chance. If it is humanly possible, my daughter is WORSE than I am.

    Jim – PRS

    Comment by Jim — August 4, 2006 @ 9:15 am

  13. I’m pretty good with directions and, more importantly, won’t hesitate to stop/ask. But then there’s The Hub, who likes to play As The Odometer Turns. Look, another industrial area. More RR tracks. No, same tracks, new zip code. Service Engine Soon. “Gee, Honey, I never knew there were tar pits out here.” “Yeah, really neat, Dear.” :::crickets:::

    Comment by dogette — August 4, 2006 @ 10:39 am

  14. Get me one of them tshirts too, ‘mkay?

    I *SO* get this post…..

    😉

    You are not alone!

    Comment by Tammi — August 4, 2006 @ 3:30 pm

  15. werthefugowie

    Comment by Brian, "Proud to be a Veteran" — August 4, 2006 @ 5:22 pm

  16. I’m ok if the person has a clue where they want to go. At a gas station the other day, a van driver holding obviously Mapquest directions asked me how to get to a road about 5 miles away. He kept looking down at the paper and asking about other roads and towns, all of which were at least 10 miles apart. After about 10 minutes, I still couldn’t figure out even what TOWN he was aiming for. He’s probably still looking.

    Comment by Shamrock — August 4, 2006 @ 8:07 pm

  17. I’m ok if the person has a clue where they want to go. At a gas station the other day, a van driver holding obviously Mapquest directions asked me how to get to a road about 5 miles away. He kept looking down at the paper and asking about other roads and towns, all of which were at least 10 miles apart. After about 10 minutes, I still couldn’t figure out even what TOWN he was aiming for. He’s probably still looking.

    Comment by Shamrock — August 4, 2006 @ 8:07 pm

  18. Jimbo just keep on making rights……….won’t get lost

    Comment by chef of da future — August 4, 2006 @ 9:14 pm

  19. I inherited a superior sense of direction from my daddy, but you ask me for directions, I tend to overexplain with the landmarks. They probably don’t need to know what’s on all sides of every street corner they’re going to pass.

    Comment by Libby — August 5, 2006 @ 1:29 pm

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