Already suspecting what might lay in store, I confessed that I do get Animal Planet, although I donâ€™t watch it much, because every time I tune in I either see badly abused animals at the hands of human maroons, or I am treated to the spectacle of one animal killing and feasting on another animal. I understand that the latter is the way things go in nature, but Iâ€™d sooner watch something else (short of The View, that is).
Anyway, Eric suggested that I immediately switch on Animal Planet, as there was something on that might interest me.
â€œDamn, Iâ€™ll bet itâ€™s about alligators, isnâ€™t it?â€ Anyone who has spent any time around here knows that I think alligators are vile creatures, and I am positively scared shitless of them. My â€œpalâ€ Eric surely knows that.
Eric responded that indeed it was about alligators, but he thought that the program might help me get over my paralyzing fear of the beasts. What a guy.
So, I switched it on.
The first thing I saw was one bigass alligator biting a smaller alligator in half and gulping down the torn-off half in one piece. Violent, bloody, muddy, death-filled water! How very nice.
â€œWow, Jimbo. Get a load of that. Isnâ€™t that something?â€
What a swell guy.
Next, I saw the host of the program riding around in a little shitty boat in water that contained so many alligators you could walk across the water on their heads and not get your feet wet. It was a horrifying thing to behold, but it was nothing in comparison to what was next.
suicidal kook host then stood at the edge of the pond within armâ€™s distance of an alligator in the water and began to tap the alligator on his snout, causing the alligator to slowly open its gigantic, terrifyingly toothed mouth and hold it open while this crazy man continued to tap on its snout. I could feel my bowels beginning to loosen.
lunatic bastard host, while tapping with one hand, then pointed to a camera that he had mounted to his head so that he could stick his farookinâ€™ head into the alligatorâ€™s mouth in order that we all could have a look. I was thinking â€Yo, asshole. You donâ€™t have to do that for my benefit. In fact, please donâ€™t!â€
Well, he stuck his head in the goddamned alligatorâ€™s mouth and got his picture, at least what I could see of it through my partially covered eyes. Then, after he safely pulled his head from the beastâ€™s mouth, the gator lunged and snapped its jaws shut, missing the crazy bastard by inches.
I was about to lose the contents of my large intestine, and Eric was enjoying every minute of it.
I thanked my â€œpalâ€ for the call and wished him at least one very loose bowel movement.
What a guy.