December 28, 2006

My “Pal” Eric.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 7:43 pm

Alligator mouth.jpg
So, last night I was sitting around noodling on the computer, minding my own farookin’ business, when Eric called. After a sincere exchange of holiday greetings and pleasantries, I learned the real reason for his call when he asked, “Hey, Jimbo. Do you get Animal Planet on TV?”**

Already suspecting what might lay in store, I confessed that I do get Animal Planet, although I don’t watch it much, because every time I tune in I either see badly abused animals at the hands of human maroons, or I am treated to the spectacle of one animal killing and feasting on another animal. I understand that the latter is the way things go in nature, but I’d sooner watch something else (short of The View, that is).

Anyway, Eric suggested that I immediately switch on Animal Planet, as there was something on that might interest me.

“Damn, I’ll bet it’s about alligators, isn’t it?” Anyone who has spent any time around here knows that I think alligators are vile creatures, and I am positively scared shitless of them. My “pal” Eric surely knows that.

Eric responded that indeed it was about alligators, but he thought that the program might help me get over my paralyzing fear of the beasts. What a guy.

So, I switched it on.

Holy shit!!

The first thing I saw was one bigass alligator biting a smaller alligator in half and gulping down the torn-off half in one piece. Violent, bloody, muddy, death-filled water! How very nice.

“Wow, Jimbo. Get a load of that. Isn’t that something?”

What a swell guy.

Next, I saw the host of the program riding around in a little shitty boat in water that contained so many alligators you could walk across the water on their heads and not get your feet wet. It was a horrifying thing to behold, but it was nothing in comparison to what was next.

The suicidal kook host then stood at the edge of the pond within arm’s distance of an alligator in the water and began to tap the alligator on his snout, causing the alligator to slowly open its gigantic, terrifyingly toothed mouth and hold it open while this crazy man continued to tap on its snout. I could feel my bowels beginning to loosen.

The lunatic bastard host, while tapping with one hand, then pointed to a camera that he had mounted to his head so that he could stick his farookin’ head into the alligator’s mouth in order that we all could have a look. I was thinking ”Yo, asshole. You don’t have to do that for my benefit. In fact, please don’t!”

Well, he stuck his head in the goddamned alligator’s mouth and got his picture, at least what I could see of it through my partially covered eyes. Then, after he safely pulled his head from the beast’s mouth, the gator lunged and snapped its jaws shut, missing the crazy bastard by inches.

I was about to lose the contents of my large intestine, and Eric was enjoying every minute of it.

I thanked my “pal” for the call and wished him at least one very loose bowel movement.

What a guy.

**Interesting coincidence, as the night before I had been reading a post by Erica in which she discussed Animal Planet at some length in connection with a crazy Brooklyn Cat Lady.

12 Comments

  1. Yep. While I’m scared shitless of any lizard-like creature larger than the palm of my hand… I am MORE scared of cocobanana crazy cat ladies. I have one living next door and come August (you know, that’s when we get our whole freakin’ cup of rain) when it’s 125 degrees out, I febreze myself all the way to the car in hopes I don’t smell like the visible stench radiating from her house.

    Welcome to too close to Apache Junction Arizona.

    I’ve got an idea to fix the cat problem though… heeeere gator gator!

    Comment by Pixie — December 28, 2006 @ 9:12 pm

  2. This, to Eric: If Rachel Ray or Emeril Largesse cook something on the Food Network with mushrooms, please, don’t call me.

    Jim: You’d get along just fine with my Aunt Sylvia (no relation to the car), who lived along a river bank in Florida and actually fed the grizzly beasts.

    ~shivers~

    My spine crumbles at that.

    Comment by Erica — December 28, 2006 @ 9:38 pm

  3. Anybody what would stick his head in a gator’s mouth ain’t all that bright and I don’t expect he will be long for this world if he keeps it up..unless he has that mouth proped open whith a heavy stick and even then I suspect a gator’s breath would eat the paint off a jon boat..

    Comment by GUYK — December 28, 2006 @ 10:09 pm

  4. Guy walks into a bar with an alligator in tow.

    He bets the guy next to him that if he puts his “business” in the gator’s mouth for one minute, then the guy has to buy a drink.

    The patron accepts the bet, so the guy puts his junk in the gator’s mouth. After one minute, he clubs the gator with a beer bottle; the gator opens his mouth, and he puts his pants back on.

    “Does anyone want to give it a try?” he yelled to the bar.

    There was silence for a moment, then a blonde piped up in the back: “I’ll do it, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard with the bottle.”

    Comment by Craig — December 28, 2006 @ 11:01 pm

  5. BLONDES RULE.

    Comment by Pixie — December 28, 2006 @ 11:17 pm

  6. That Eric, a true blue friend…

    Comment by Lisa W. — December 28, 2006 @ 11:41 pm

  7. Jim–

    Just remember: I have recipes!

    MC

    Comment by mostly cajun — December 29, 2006 @ 10:12 am

  8. .. sorry, killer… but I just coudn’t resist NOT calling you…..

    Comment by Eric — December 29, 2006 @ 10:20 am

  9. Like they say, “With friends like that, who needs enemies?”.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog by the way. :)

    Comment by Dave S. — December 29, 2006 @ 11:34 am

  10. All you have to do to get even is call Eric and tell him to change to a channel because they are doing a special on dark-haired cheerleaders with glasses, but time it so he’ll switch just as the Zombies catch up and start devouring the three people trapped in a corner.

    Comment by rsm — December 29, 2006 @ 3:27 pm

  11. … man, RSM, that’s cold…..

    Comment by Eric — December 29, 2006 @ 5:47 pm

  12. Please accept my apology, for finding this post so highly entertaining.

    Comment by Freddie — December 30, 2006 @ 1:24 pm

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