February 19, 2007

Ask Hillary (Vol. 8)

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 6:25 pm

hillary-typewriter
You’ve Got Questions? I’ve got Answers.
Because I’m Very Smart, and You’re … Very Not.


Dear Senator Clinton:

I have lived in New York City all my life. I think you’re really swell and really smart. I plan on voting for you. My problem is that I have friends who also live in New York, and they support Rudy Giuliani. They always remind me of his handling of things during and after the incident on 9-11, and they call him “America’s Mayor”. They say terrible things about you, and they say I’m crazy for wanting you to be the president. Do you have any suggestions for responding to them?

Sincerely,

William J. Walters

Dear William,

Thank you for your kind words. Of course, you’re right about my being really smart. As for your friends, you should be proud to live in a country in which they are completely free to voice their political views. Of course, your so-called friends are pathetic, scum-sucking fascist morons who probably have sexual relations with their siblings and their pets.

And, I’ve about had it what that “America’s Mayor” shit.

“Oooooooh Rudy this, and ooooh Rudy that. He was sooooooo great after 9-11, blah, blah blah.” Makes me want to freakin’ barf. Tell your goddamned dumbshit friends that if they vote for Giuliani, they are BUYING A FREAKIN’ VOWEL. His name is Giulian-iiiiiiiii. Sounds a lot like Gott-iiiiiiiii, doesn’t it? And, it’s not much different from Lucian-oooooo, and Sopran-oooooo.

So, ask your asshole pals if they really want some mobbed-up Pepper with a speech impediment running the country.

Who are these bastard “friends” of yours anyway? Send me their names and addresses. I know people who might want to take them for a walk in the park, if you catch my drift.


Dear Senator Clinton:

I am a twenty-something progressive feminist, and I am planning to vote for you. Although I agree with you on virtually everything, the issue about which I am most passionate is protecting a woman’s right to choose. Therefore, I would appreciate it very, very much if you would confirm your views on abortion.
With warm regards,

Maryanne Hawkins

Dear Maryanne,

Abortion? I’m all for it. I married one, didn’t I? LOL!!!


Dear Senator Clinton:

I am a democrat, and I am dealing with a bit of a dilemma. You see, I am a twenty-eight year old black woman. As a black person, I always vote for black candidates, and as a woman, I always vote for women candidates. So, as a black person, I feel I can only vote for Barack Obama to make him the first black president, but as a woman, I feel that I can only vote for you to make you the first woman president. I’m really torn.

Very truly yours,

Linda Wilson

Yo Linda,

That Obama guy be runnin’ all over the damn country shuckin’ and jivin’ frontin’ that booshit that he be black. Damn, Sister, he barely be tan! Besides, everybody know that my husband Bill was the first black president.

Girlfriend, it’s easy. You should vote for me, because I will be the first black woman president!

Peace, out.


Dear Senator Clinton:

I am a democrat, and I am dealing with a bit of a dilemma. You see, I am a twenty-eight year old white man. As a white person, I always vote for white candidates, and as a man, I always vote for male candidates. So, as a white person, I feel I can’t vote for Barack Obama to make him the first black president, but as a man, I feel that I can’t vote for you to make you the first woman president. I may have to vote for John Edwards or Senator Biden. I’m really torn.

Sincerely,

John Morrison

Dear Mr. Morrison:

You, sir, are a sexist and a bigot.


Previous Editions of “Ask Hillary”:

Vol. 1
Vol. 2
Vol. 3
Vol. 4
Vol. 5
Vol. 6
Comments (3)

3 Comments »

  1. Rudy for Prez.

    Comment by Shamrock — February 19, 2007 @ 10:26 pm

  2. you are gooooooooooood!

    Comment by Jean — February 20, 2007 @ 8:44 pm

  3. You took the words right outta my mouth.

    By the way, did you know that really deep down inside, I am so haaaaot for Condi. Mmmm…. This country is so ready… I say READY for a woman president.
    Now if I were only black like Condi. DAMN! The possibilities.

    I really need her on my staff. How the hell am I going to swing it though? I mean, shit. I haven’t said many nice things about the current White House gang.

    Oh my. It hurts. It really hurts.

    Comment by Hillary's Thong — February 21, 2007 @ 5:50 pm

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