September 15, 2003

Basketball? No thanks.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 12:26 am

I’m not much of a sports fan, although I can occasionally enjoy a football or baseball game, even though it requires a rather large investment in time. But, basketball? I really think basketball is a dumb game.

Now, if you’re one of the millions of basketball fans, kindly reach down and unbunch your undies. If you like basketball, that’s fine. I don’t think less of basketball fans, and I am not trying to dissuade you of your love of the game. I am just taking advantage of my tiny place in the blogosphere to express my thoughts on that game that was, after all, invented in 1891 when James Naismith hung a couple peach baskets in the gym in an effort to get a bunch of lazy jocks to exercise during the cold winter months.

Here are some of the reasons why I don’t much care for basketball or “basket ball” (as it was originally known).

Basketball is heavily populated with genetic outliers.
Basketball is a game for TALL people – very TALL people. People of average height and short people need not apply. Frankly, it is difficult for me to be impressed to see a seven feet tall guy jump in the air and plop the ball in the basket with slightly more effort than it takes me to get a coffee cup from the top shelf in the kitchen cabinet.

Now, I know many of you are probably thinking that all sports, to one extent or another, seek out genetic outliers. So, if the genetic cards you’ve been dealt make you neckless, six a half feet tall, and three hundred pounds, football might be your game. Similarly, if you are very short in stature and weigh in at 90 pounds while holding a radiator in their hands, you might be sought out to be a jockey.

However, it seems different with basketball. If you’re a kid who at 16 or 17 is tickling seven feet tall, I’ll bet you hear virtually every day of your life, “Hey, you must play basketball.” What if the kid thinks basketball is a dumb game? I’ll bet that for kids like that it’s easier just humor everyone and play the damned game rather than having to spend your life explaining why it is you’re not a basketball player.

Hell, if somewhere a nine-foot tall guy were to surface, the NBA teams would fight tooth and nail for his services. Then we could just watch this guy reach up and effortlessly drop the ball in the basket. Thrilling. Dumb.

“Dribbling” – Duh.

The original thirteen rules written by James Naismith did not permit a player to move with the ball. The ball could only be advanced by passing it to another player. One day, some smartass (undoubtedly a genetic outlier, taller than everyone else), got the bright idea to pass the ball to himself, thereby permitting him to advance the ball simply by repeatedly tossing it up in the air and catching it.

This self-passing became part of the rules. At a later time, someone had the swell idea that you could move with the ball as long as you did bouncy-ball with it while moving. And, as if this bouncy-ball thing wasn’t dumb enough, someone decided to call it “dribbling.” Dribbling? What a dumb choice of words. What does bouncing a ball on the floor have to do with dribbling? One wonders why it was not called “drooling.” Then again, it could have been worse. The bouncy-ball thing could have been called “barfing” or “farting.”

Grown men doing bouncy-ball. Dumb.

I hate the sounds.
Basketball makes bad sounds. To me, the sounds of the bouncy-ball and the sneakers squeaking against the floor are most unpleasant. Oh yeah, don’t forget the horn that blasts at the end of the periods. Who could possibly like that sound? Dumb.

Foul shots.
These are really dumb. When someone commits a foul, the game stops while the genetic outlier stands directly in front of the basket and tosses it in most times. But, before he tosses it in, we are treated to a little more bouncy-ball. This leads me to wonder why these highly paid, very tall people ever miss, and why they have to do the bouncy-ball thing before the toss it into the basket? Dumb.

Basketball (particularly professional basketball) is a haven for felons of all descriptions.
Now I know that basketball does not have a monopoly on its participants being criminals. But it sure seems like basketball leads the way in this department. Don’t these guys know that if they were not basketball players, they would be largely unemployable? Dumb.

Suggestions to improve the game.
Far be it from me to criticize basketball without being prepared to offer suggestions for rule changes that I think would improve this otherwise dumb game.

Solving the genetic outlier problem.

Simply raising the basket won’t do it. It will still be a game for genetic outliers. I have a more creative solution. Install three baskets of varying heights on each end of the court.. Short guys can only shoot at the low basket, average guys can only shoot at the average height basket and the outliers have to shoot at the high basket. Short and average guys would have a fair chance. And, who knows? Maybe it might be that some day people who are five feet tall will be regularly asked, “Hey, are you a basketball player?”

There is still the problem of the outliers preventing the short guys from shooting. Don’t bother me with details. I’m working on that.

A creative alternative to “dribbling.”
How does this sound? Scrap dribbling altogether, because – let’s face it – bouncy-ball is dumb and is better left to children. I suggest that the rule should be that a player can run with the ball, but he has to sing all the while he running. I think Broadway tunes would be nice. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to hear a nice baritone rendition of “Oh What a Beautiful Morning” rather than the sound of bouncy-ball? It would make the game much more pleasing to the ear.

I would be willing to consider alternatives to Broadway tunes. Rock? Country-Western? Perhaps each player should be permitted to select his own songs. However, I would not, under any circumstances, permit rap, as rap is not music, and it is even more offensive to the ears than the sound of bouncy ball.

Finally, “singing” would be an accurate description of what is actually happening, rather than “dribbling,” which to me describes an unattractive salivation thing, not the bouncy-ball it actually is.

A solution for the other offensive sounds.
Now what about the squeaking sneakers and that awful, blasting horn?. No problem. The game should be played on a carpet, because once bouncy-ball is done away with, there is no need for a wooden floor. No more wooden floor, no more annoying sneaker squeaks. Simple.

As for that hateful horn, I suggest that it be replaced by three Alpenhorns playing beautiful harmony. Much easier on the ears.

A better approach to dealing with fouls.

As noted above, watching foul shooting (along with the obligatory pre-shot bouncy-ball) is boring. The other problem with the way fouls are currently handled is that the person committing the foul is not punished properly. There is no real disincentive to bad behavior on the “carpet.” My suggestion is that when a player commits a foul, the other team automatically gets a point, thereby doing away with the foul shot thing. But that’s not all. I also think that the person committing the foul has to be properly humiliated for his bad conduct. I, therefore, propose that the person committing the foul be forced to wear lipstick and a tutu for the remainder of the game in which he committed the foul and for all of the following game as well.

The solution for the too-many-felons problem.
It is obvious that the NBA does not care whether a good player also happens to be a felon. My solution? Fine. Let the social misfits play. However, they have to wear a ball and chain during the game. That will provide a disincentive to the players who may be considering the commission of a felony, it would make the team owner less likely to keep a felon on the team, and finally, it would protect the fans from these guys who really ought to be in jail.

So, that’s my take on basketball.

I much prefer synchronized swimming.


  1. Hmm… how about this… eliminate sneakers altogether and replace with Kangoo Jumps… think of what that would do to the game… (at in case my embedded HTML didn’t come across properly…)

    Comment by Mike — March 19, 2004 @ 4:25 pm

  2. Hey, I think you need a link to some alphorn sounds so we can better imagine your neo-basketball:

    And btw, being pretty tall myself I know what you mean when you’re talking about people always asking: “Do you play BASKETBALL???”

    Comment by Dobes — August 3, 2004 @ 12:07 am

  3. I can see where you are coming from. If I was short and a computer nerd which you obviously are, I would hate sports too. You probably hate everything you’re not good at. Since that’s true that means you also hate girls and are a virgin that lives in your moms basement.

    Comment by josh — January 21, 2005 @ 10:35 am

  4. Josh,

    Referring to me as a computer nerd is downright comical. And, there are plenty of things I am not good at that I like. As for the rest of your juvenile comment, I am certainly not a virgin. I have been married for probably longer than you have been alive.

    Speaking of moms, I gather that yours never got around to teaching you manners.

    Finally, I wonder how you managed to get in the Navy.

    Comment by Jim - Parkway Rest Stop — January 21, 2005 @ 11:45 am

  5. haha you are such a dumbass jim

    Comment by Debbie — May 9, 2005 @ 1:42 am

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