December 23, 2008

The Jimbo Awards — 2008.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 7:13 pm

As the end of what may prove to be an historic year the beginning of the end of the Republic approaches, it seems fitting to, once again, bestow upon deserving recipients the Jimbo Awards. The last time these awards were given was in 2004.

We don’t have a panel of judges, and we don’t poll anyone. This is not a democracy. I decide on the categories, and I make all the choices my badself. If you don’t agree with my selections, feel free to hand out your very own awards.

The awards are in no particular order.

1. Biggest Loss of Career and a Shitload of Money by a Professional Sports Douchebag.

The Winner – Plaxico Burress, who was dumb enough to bring a handgun into a night club, and in an even dumber move, managed to shoot himself in the leg. Still not satisfied with how much stupid he could fit into one day, he tried to cover the whole thing up. Now we learn that he is being sued for slamming his Mercedes into the ass end of a woman’s car in Florida, and he has no insurance. Why? Because he failed to pay the premium. All this will cost him a career worth roughly $35 million. Maybe he can get a gig at the local car wash.

2. The Biggest Bullshit Story Foisted Upon the American People. Ever.

The Winner – Man-Made Global Warming, which has since become known as “Climate Change.” We are to believe that there is a consensus among scientists that man-made global warming causes “climate change” and that the reason we are freezing our asses off this winter is that the planet is too hot, and that we made it too hot. The so-called “consensus” has all but evaporated, but that doesn’t even give pause to the enviro-kooks, who want to take the country backward two hundred years.

3. The Most Memorable Instant Politician.

The Winner – Caroline Kennedy. Princess Caroline was plucked from her Park Avenue digs and her two-hours per week fundraising “jobs” to become the leading candidate for the New York Senatorial seat. Instant politician! Just add bullshit and gobs of liberal hypocrisy and media slobber.

4. The Greatest New Vodka Find.

The Winners – Yes this is a three-way tie: Three Olives Triple Shot Espresso Vodka, Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka and Zyr Vodka (smooth as silk), proving that 2008 did have its good moments.

5. The Most Famous Partisan Rag Posing as a Newspaper.

The Winner – The New York Times. The only thing about the Times that has sunk lower than its credibility is its stock price. Perhaps next year it will win the Jimbo Award for The Most Famous Partisan Rag Posing as a Newspaper that Went Belly Up.

6. The Biggest Douchebag on Television Posing as a Newsman.

The Winner – Keith Olbermann. This preening, bloviating asshole and his spittle-spewing “Special Commentaries” are enough to curdle milk, and he has the moxie to use Edward R. Murrow’s signoff.

7. The Worst Governor in the United States.

The Winner – Rod Blagojevich. Until recently, New Jersey’s own Jon Corzine (whose goal in life seems to be to tax and regulate New Jersey into the stone age), was a shoo-in for this award. However, in the past few weeks Hot Rod Blagojevich easily snatched the prize and, in the process, reminded us Garden Staters that it is possible to have a more worthless turd for a Governor than Jon Corzine (or his predecessor, Jim McGreevey).

8. The Single Word that was Most Annoying.

The Winner – “Green.” Yes, “Hope” and “Change” were close contenders, but they are two words, and as sickeningly pervasive as they are, they are nowhere near as ubiquitous as the word “Green.” Green this, green that, the city’s going green, the company’s going green, green energy and, perhaps the one that makes my hair hurt the most, “Green Jobs.” Believe it or not, conservatives don’t want to shit the place up. We live here too. But, enough with the stupid squiggly light bulbs (with mercury in them) and mindless regulations such as those that require a Hazmat Team to show up dressed like astronauts if someone drops a thermometer on the floor, or those that slam the brakes on property development, because two goddamned whateverfinches live on the 100-acre tract.

9. The Most Annoying New TV Pitchman.

The Winner – the ShamWOW Guy. What’s with the wear-on-your-face microphone? Is it necessary to talk to the “camera guy” during what is, most certainly, well-rehearsed bit? The ShamWOW Guy makes Ron Popeil sound as mellow as Mister Rogers.

10. The Most Thoroughly Detestable Politician.

The Winner – Barney Frank. This category posed the greatest challenge. There are so many thoroughly detestable politicians, choosing the most thoroughly detestable politician is not easy – sort of a Sophie’s Choice in reverse. Among the contenders were: Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Chris Dodd and Chuck Schumer, but Congressman Frank, who is frankly (pun intended) sickening in every conceivable way, nosed the others out. My skin crawls every time he opens his fat, toothless, always-lying yap. Whenever I watch the videotape in which he uses the word “shibboleth,” which sounds like a combination of Daffy Duck and Tom Brokaw I could literally shit myself as a result of a confluence of hysterical laughter and rage.

19 Comments »

  1. Well, I can’t gainsay any of your choices but would proffer a runner-up ribbon for #6 to go to Chrissy Matthews.

    Meanwhile, I was a good girl and got some more Sweet Tea Vodka for Christmas!

    Have a very Merry Christmas, Jimbo.

    ((hugs!))

    -Joan

    Comment by Joan of Argghh! — December 23, 2008 @ 8:32 pm

  2. LOL. That is truly funny! Have a good evening.

    Comment by Kevin — December 23, 2008 @ 8:48 pm

  3. Hot Rod Blago was preceded by Georgie Porgie Ryan who is now in jail (long may he rot). Illinois is doing well in the “worst governors of all times” stakes.

    This is where it comes in handy not watching much television – I haven’t seen the shamwow commercials except a couple of times – I laughed though – at least he wasn’t SHOUTING the entire thing like that other bearded idiot who does several other commercials that I always have to mute.

    We must also be at pains to remind the enviro-nuts that green is the color of rot… maybe not the color any of us want to be.

    Comment by Teresa — December 24, 2008 @ 12:42 am

  4. Jim, you’d be singing a different tune, had you gotten in on the ground floor of the ShamWow! revolution. That clown is selling millions of those things-and they’re NOT junk-they’re made in Germany, you know. We would all be happy campers on Christmas morning if we opened a present with 8-count’em 8-ShamWow!s inside.

    Comment by Ernie Nilsen — December 24, 2008 @ 1:31 am

  5. Jim, I’m with you on all but number nine. I have no clue as to who he is, or what he does, or even what ShamWow is. Maybe I should count myself lucky that he isn’t on Thai TV.

    Comment by Gerald — December 24, 2008 @ 1:40 am

  6. Have a wonderful and merry Christmas!

    Comment by Mr. Bingley — December 24, 2008 @ 9:17 am

  7. ShamWow ???? WTF is ShamWow? Am I missing something because I don’t watch network TV except for Fox Cable news? And even then I keep a book handy for the commercial breaks…

    Comment by GUYK — December 24, 2008 @ 9:42 am

  8. #6 Keith Olbermann uses the Edward R. Murrow sign off? How did you ever find out? Must have take a lot of vodka to get that far into the show. I can never take more than 30 seconds of the SOB before I have to switch channels. I won’t even watch the intro or halftime of Sunday Night Football because one word from this douche will spoil the game.

    #10 must have been a really tough one to choose. There are soooo many available right there in New Jersey starting with both Senators and the Governor. Then all you have to do is hop across the river (Delaware, Hudson—either one will do fine) and locate Congresscritter Rangel in NYC or the dipshit mayor of Philly or Governor Fast Eddie Rendel.

    Comment by joated — December 24, 2008 @ 10:28 am

  9. The most thoroughly detestable politician……

    Barney Fwank,Nancy,Harry,Dodd,Kerry,Gore,Feinsteen,
    Schumer……God, but there is a ton of them to choose from & all Democrats…….But the all time most detestable , temporarily still in office & Democratic is Ted “Swimmer” Kennedy. No other politician has the credentials to match the odious performance`s of this lump of human garbage.

    A special oak cluster should be added to this award dubbed the “Massachusetts order of Contempt” to denote the ability for Swimmer to rise to the top in an environment rich with slime balls,liars & buffoons.

    Many States think they have a handle on production of crooked politicians but Massachusetts has such an abundance they farm them out to New York to be Junior Senators.

    As far as my research goes Massachusetts is still the only State to have a murderer serving in a lifetime capacity as a United States Senator instead of serving time in Prison.

    Comment by dudley1 — December 24, 2008 @ 10:37 am

  10. [...] Parkway Rest Stop » The Jimbo Awards — 2008.. [...]

    Pingback by The Jimbo Awards « Morning Glory — December 24, 2008 @ 11:13 am

  11. YES! ‘We can’ ‘hope’ for ‘green’ ‘change’!!!

    Have a Merry Christmas!!

    Comment by Dave S. — December 24, 2008 @ 2:19 pm

  12. the ShamWOW Guy….I thought I was the only person annoyed by this scam ad….You should have included Billy Mays, King of the Ad scams….

    Just sayin’…..

    Comment by Joe The Electrician — December 24, 2008 @ 2:58 pm

  13. Behead Those Who
    Insult the Profit
    and Prophet of
    ShamWOW! (PBUH)

    Comment by Ernie Nilsen — December 24, 2008 @ 3:13 pm

  14. Amen….on ALL of those!

    Comment by Sandy — December 24, 2008 @ 5:38 pm

  15. The New York Times is a newspaper?

    And here I thought it was a 527 organization working for the Democratic party!

    Comment by Jersey — December 24, 2008 @ 6:30 pm

  16. Love the Jimbo awards. It’s always amusing to see what irritates right wing neo-fascist conservatives who have contributed nothing positive to our country.

    Comment by Ted — January 30, 2009 @ 1:29 am

  17. 11. The Most Idiotic Comment.
    The Winner — Ted’s. Take a bow, Ted.

    Comment by Jim — January 30, 2009 @ 3:23 am

  18. He has a name, Dammit! It’s Vince!! Vince sells us the Sham-WOW. Vince!

    Was that so hard?

    And he must be related to the President because he can make the coke spill partially dry up after he pours it on the carpet sample. Magic!

    Comment by Dave — February 2, 2009 @ 12:54 am

  19. Wow. I’m stupid. I failed to read all the other comments before posting my Vince rant. Otherwise I might have had a Ted rant (Post #16).

    Ted says “right wing neo-fascist conservatives.” Ted does not know that neo-fascists are left wing liberals. Maybe we should have a “send Ted to skool fund” or a “buy Ted a history of Fascism” fund. Ted is deprived. His only source of knowledge is Democratic Party whine and cheese fundraisers.

    Next year buy a book instead, Ted. Here’s a good one:
    http://books.google.com/books?id=wHihWKJE3asC

    Hitler and Mussolini were Socialists, Ted. You know, like you. Look up the German meaning of Nazi.

    Comment by Dave — February 2, 2009 @ 1:13 am

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