Speaking from personal experience, I call this one “Why People Who Do Well in Creative Writing Class Often Have a Problem With Shit Like Physics”.

Thanks to my friend Brian, the Air Force Vet.

It is no secret that I hate clowns, but I certainly don’t advocate this.

Thanks to Mr. Surly for the link.

Well, the old wireless phone at the Rest Stop — the one that incorporated the answering machine — finally gave up the ghost a week or so ago. Those who called and didn’t get to leave a message after the beep now know why.

It has since been replaced by one of those spiffy “base station” deals with two additional handsets. This hi-tech (for me, anyway) unit comes with an answering machine, caller ID, memory, custom ringer-dingers, other bells and whistles and a big-assed book of instructions.

As such it also comes with a built-in Case of the Ass for Jimbo, because now I have to figure out how to work the damned things. Remember, I’m the guy who put a piece of tape over the blinking light on the VCR and who gave away a DVD player rather than try to hook it up to a very old color TV.

I shall spend the balance of the evening with “Da Book” and a royal pain in my non-techno ass.

Anyone want to lend me a thirteen-year old to set this shit up pronto?

You’ve Got Questions? I’ve got Answers.
Because I’m Very Smart, and You’re … Very Not.

Dear Senator Clinton:

I have lived in New York City all my life. I think you’re really swell and really smart. I plan on voting for you. My problem is that I have friends who also live in New York, and they support Rudy Giuliani. They always remind me of his handling of things during and after the incident on 9-11, and they call him “America’s Mayor”. They say terrible things about you, and they say I’m crazy for wanting you to be the president. Do you have any suggestions for responding to them?

Sincerely,

William J. Walters

Dear William,

Who are these bastard “friends” of yours anyway? Send me their names and addresses. I know people who might want to take them for a walk in the park, if you catch my drift.

Dear Senator Clinton:

I am a twenty-something progressive feminist, and I am planning to vote for you. Although I agree with you on virtually everything, the issue about which I am most passionate is protecting a woman’s right to choose. Therefore, I would appreciate it very, very much if you would confirm your views on abortion.
With warm regards,

Maryanne Hawkins

Dear Maryanne,

Abortion? I’m all for it. I married one, didn’t I? LOL!!!

Dear Senator Clinton:

I am a democrat, and I am dealing with a bit of a dilemma. You see, I am a twenty-eight year old black woman. As a black person, I always vote for black candidates, and as a woman, I always vote for women candidates. So, as a black person, I feel I can only vote for Barack Obama to make him the first black president, but as a woman, I feel that I can only vote for you to make you the first woman president. I’m really torn.

Very truly yours,

Linda Wilson

Yo Linda,

Peace, out.

Dear Senator Clinton:

I am a democrat, and I am dealing with a bit of a dilemma. You see, I am a twenty-eight year old white man. As a white person, I always vote for white candidates, and as a man, I always vote for male candidates. So, as a white person, I feel I can’t vote for Barack Obama to make him the first black president, but as a man, I feel that I can’t vote for you to make you the first woman president. I may have to vote for John Edwards or Senator Biden. I’m really torn.

Sincerely,

John Morrison

Dear Mr. Morrison:

You, sir, are a sexist and a bigot.

Previous Editions of “Ask Hillary”:

Vol. 1
Vol. 2
Vol. 3
Vol. 4
Vol. 5
Vol. 6
Comments (3)

Just watch the video.

via Curmudgeonly & Skeptical

I love watching skilled magicians. On one level, a good magician provides us with a few moments of joy that come with suspending reality. On another level, a great performance reminds us that we cannot always believe what we see.

Years ago I saw Doug Henning on stage in New York City when he performed in The Magic Show. He rolled a cage onto the stage; he spun it around and stuck his hands between the bars. My eyes told me that the cage was empty. One of his leggy women assistance climbed into the cage. He placed a cover over the cage and spun it around three times and then removed the cover. The woman was gone, and in her place was a damned lioness walking back and forth in the cage. Holy Crap!

Now, there are only two possibilities. Either Doug Henning defied the laws of physics and biology and instantly transformed a human being into a large jungle cat, or he very skillfully fooled everyone in the audience. I think that everyone beyond the age of, say, seven understands that the second alternative is the correct one.

My friend Brian, the Air Force Vet, sent me a video of some jaw-dropping magic. The background is in Japanese, but it doesn’t matter. Check it out.

I’m dedicating this post to my friend, the Stardust Shrink, who performs brain twisting card tricks (many using the same general premise as the one in video) – only he does the while sitting at the table eighteen inches away.

Pick a card — any card.

This morning I happened to be clearing out the one spam comment that managed to sneak by the spam blocker and landed on this April 25, 2006 post, which was another cell phone vulgarian story that unfolded in my local 7-11. In the comments, the subject of coffee came up, and I had mentioned that the price of a 20-ounce cup of coffee was $1.33.

Shortly after I had written the post, the price went up to $1.44. This past Thursday, the price went up to $1.55. WTF? That’s a 16.5% increase in ten months. I got to thinking, “Holy crap, increasing prices like that, who do these people think are? The State of New Jersey?”

I then realized that if they were the State of New Jersey, here’s the way the prices would go for a 20-ounce cup of coffee:

The “Rich” would pay $14.95 per cup. (Note: In Jersey, you can be “rich” and still worry about how you’re going to pay for the brake job.)

Most people would pay $4.95 per cup, but they would get a twenty-five cent per cup rebate at the end of the year – maybe.

Other people who never bought coffee would be paid to drink the stuff in the form of a “coffee rebate”. It’s only fair.

Pay up! It’s for the kommon good, komrads.

1. Anyone even remotely familiar with this place knows that I like to write funny things (at least I think they’re funny) about Nancy Pelosi. I confess that, at the moment, I cannot think of any way to write anything funny about this. It’s too easy to say that I’m outraged – I am, to be sure. More to the point, as an American and as a veteran, what happened today in the House of Representatives breaks my heart. What they (and a dozen so-called Republicans) did comes with consequences, which they will have to live with.

2. Speaking of Americans, I just watched a History Channel piece on Apollo 11. The documentary featured the flight controller and Buzz Aldrin discussing the mission accompanied by footage of the trip to and from the moon. Watching it, I was taken by the historic value of the program. It would be as if we had a video of Lewis and Clark’s expedition and narration by Lewis and Clark themselves.

I am old enough to have watched on television (albeit in a foreign country) in awe as the Apollo 11 mission unfolded. What the documentary cannot possibly convey is the pins and needles on which the nation sat wondering whether these brave men would return to Earth and, if so, would they return alive, and would they bring with them some sort of “Satan Virus” that would wipe out the population of the planet.

The documentary also reminded me that the decision to land on the moon or to abort the mission (a most difficult task) was still on the table at a time when the Apollo 11 capsule was spitting distance to the lunar surface. Land? Crash on the lunar surface? Crash while trying to abort? There was no time for non-binding resolutions. A decision had to be made then and there. The decision was made to land. Everyone at NASA and in the United States held their breath while Neil Armstrong (a test pilot) manually steered the capsule to the lunar surface with 17 seconds worth of fuel to spare.

Grit. I think America has lost it.

Remember the huge hoo-rah last year when it was announced that several U.S. Ports had been acquired by a Dubai-based company named Dubai Ports World? Sure you do. How could you forget? Politicians and regular peeps raised all sorts of hell focusing on security concerns, resulting in the Dubai Ports World deciding to sell its interests in the American ports to AIG Global Investment Group, subject to approval of the deal by regulatory authorities in the various states concerned.

Apparently, the only agency now standing in the way of the consummation of the transaction is the New York, New Jersey Port Authority.

So, what’s the problem? In short, money.

According to the Star Ledger, the Port Authority wants to be paid $30 million for improvements it made to the docks “since 2000”. However, according to the New York Times, the amount being demanded is as high as $84 million, some or all of which will have to be spent by the new owner for “capital projects”.

I concede that there are probably many facts of which I am unaware, but, having said that, these payment demands sure sound like normal operating procedure in Jersey, particularly when it comes to the the way things historically work at the ports.

For instance, I frankly don’t understand the basis for the $30 million demand for improvements made since 2000. I have to assume that the original buyer (Dubai Ports World) is responsible for improvements made to the ports through the date of 2006 transfer. As such, either the Port Authority has already been paid for the improvements, or it has a contractual right to payment from the Dubai Company (and quite possibly also from AIG if AIG has assumed Dubai Ports’ liabilities, giving the Port Authority two pockets to collect the debt from).

The demand for commitments by the new buyer (AIG) to pay $54 million (84 -30?) for “capital projects” is quite astounding. I am assuming that such a demand was not in the original deal. A Port Authority spokesman was quoted by the NY Times as saying, “Dubai Ports World has ‘made a pretty substantial profit here, and we want AIG to make a commitment to reinvest money in the capital projects so that we’re sure they’re going to operate the terminal responsibly.’”

The Port Authority’s making the payment a condition of giving its consent to the sale, strikes me, at best, to be a gutsy way to get a second bite at the apple (i.e. this should have been demanded in the first deal, but wasn’t) or, at worst, to be a Jersey shakedown worthy of Tony Soprano and his crew.

We’ll have to wait and see who blinks first.