May 22, 2007

Jimbo the Technodoofus

Filed under: Uncategorized — Erica @ 8:23 pm

technodoofus

I think we are all very much aware by now of our pal Jimbo’s proclivity to nearly pop a ’roid (or get the—oy!—“hot squirts”) at the mere suggjoostion of “getting new shit,” and by that I, of course, mean procuring a brand new computer, to replace the “steam-driven” one he currently kvetches to no end about.

How many times have us SiteMeter Sherlocks seen in our referral logs, amidst everybody’s up-to-date Windows XP Operating Systems and Mozilla, Safari and Internet Explorer 7.0 web browsers, some poor nebech zhlub from New Jersey, ambling along to keep up with the rest of us, with his Internet Explorer 6.0 supported by a Windows 98 Operating System?

The running joke lately is ‘Honest Injun, I’m getting new shit’ after this, and after that, and when I get back from here, when I get back from there, when I get back from the Post, when I get back from the Thee-Ah-Tah, when I get back from bobbing in my Bodyguard, the Anal Cruise Director, Ken’s pool with the rest of the Usuals, when I get back from Texas, when I get back from Florida…Oy! It’s so silly already that one might almost expect to hear “I’ll get new shit…when I get back from playing footsies with Hillary in Nancy Pelosi’s hot tub in San Franfarookincisco!”

You may say to yourselves, though, “Yo, what’s it to ya?!” Well, lemme ask you this: Have you ever gone onto Parkway Rest Stop, tried to leave a witty comment, and it takes more than five minutes for the damn thing to digest? I’d fire off an email: “Yo, Jimbo…I been stuck on your blog for almost ten minutes!” to which he’d respond [paraphrasing], ‘Buying new stuff as soon as I get back from Florida. Honest.’ Maybe it’s related. Maybe not. Likely not.

The thing is, Jimbo claims he’s a technotard, and I used to call complete and utter booshit because the guy’s a frickin’ lawyer and so he’s gotta have some kind of a techno-cloo, especially if he’s got any comprehensive grasp of what judicial dissolution, dividend property or comparative negligence is. Nevertheless, we get this: “While some people change computers with the ease of changing socks, I am not one of those people. Still, it’s time.”

Anybody wanna take a guess when those words were written? Not last week, or last month, or even eight or nine, or ten months ago. Nah, not our Jimbo. A cursory search through the PRS archives yielded that that post was penned July 14, 2006. Yeah, it’s time. Ha. When alligators fly.

Remember this gem, post-Blogtoberfest, 2004: “…my finger found its way to the front of the farookin’ lens of the [shitty disposable] camera, leaving me with pictures of the center of Helen, Georgia along with my middle finger.” I remember. And so, when Hairboy, three years later, got himself another shitty disposable camera for the Blodger de Mayo in Kerrville, Texas a few weeks ago, I told him, out of the genuine goodness of my heart, “Yo, Jimbo…make sure your finger ain’t in front of the little glass lens thingy,” to which he snapped back, “Ay—don’t start with me!” Da noive-a dat guy.

Out of curiosity, when I asked him last week, “Yo, Jimbo…how’d your blogmeet pictures come out,” and he replied, “Shitty,” well…hell, Hairboy, don’t say I didn’t warn ya. But the funny thing is, in the same vein, he made sure to also mention [again, paraphrasing], ‘I’m definitely getting a digital camera…as soon as I get the new computer.’

[Yabu]
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
[/Yabu]

Boys and girls, I am not much of a betting woman, but I’d almost be willing to wager a paycheck that dodo birds will proliferate all over the State of New Jersey (a joke in there somewhere), and that California will, one day, become a Red State, when our lovable technodoofus finally does get himself this long-awaited computer and digital camera we’ve all been hearing so much about.

Ya know what, Jimbo…when you get your brand spanking new computer, which will surely put all of our computers to shame (“a big, badass, super-fast computer that will not become obsolete two minutes after I open the box”), why dontcha take a photo of it with your new digital camera, so we could all ogle it, drool, and bang our heads against the wall in Gott-damned farookin’ envy.

13 Comments »

  1. … mercy, this place is getting rough…. whew…

    Comment by Eric — May 22, 2007 @ 8:27 pm

  2. A Windows 98 box?!

    Don’t those things use, like, windup keys? Or is it a high-end jobbie that uses a couple of hamsters on their little exercise wheels?

    Comment by DMerriman — May 22, 2007 @ 8:59 pm

  3. This post – and the attendant Photoshop – was so funny, I crapped out a blood clot from laughing so hard.

    One a dees days, I’m gonna write an Erica Sherman dictionary…or, better yet, do another “Rashomon Goes to the Blogs.” Rich, rich source material here.

    Comment by Elisson — May 22, 2007 @ 9:49 pm

  4. This is so great!

    He’s gonna hurt you so much!

    Comment by Jean — May 22, 2007 @ 9:59 pm

  5. I’ll bet it’s going to be a big, fat, capitalist compyooter at that . . .

    Comment by Shamrock — May 22, 2007 @ 11:08 pm

  6. Don’t laugh too much at ol’ hairboy. Us old farts tend to be slow to change, y’know.

    After all, my first laptop was an abacus.

    Jim
    Sloop New Dawn
    Galveston, TX

    Comment by Jim — May 22, 2007 @ 11:10 pm

  7. Yo! Erica! When the comment thingy goes into perpetual la-la land… open up another browser window and check – it’s probably already posted the comment and you can either close the window you typed the comment in, or hit the “stop” and then browse on. *grin*

    I figured that out a while back – it’s happened to me on other blogs to – including my own. heh.

    Windows 98…. I never looked… holy crap we have to do a road trip and get this boy set up with new hardware! Geeze!

    Comment by Teresa — May 22, 2007 @ 11:12 pm

  8. Man-oh-man, Jimbo.
    Your stindeens have gotta be feelin’ awfully swollen and tender after this brutal “squeeeze-n-jerk.”

    What did you do to piss this wild woman off?

    Yikes!

    Comment by everydayjoe — May 23, 2007 @ 12:37 am

  9. Is this the PC: http://www.cs.virginia.edu/brochure/new_images/b205.gif Jimbo has in mind?

    Comment by Bill — May 23, 2007 @ 7:33 pm

  10. I think he’s using a “historical reference only” monochrome WANG), for a monitor, too, because when I post a dog pic I have to use a yellow highlighter feature and put in big red arrows pointing to things with big bolded ARIAL font labels, kinda like closed-captioning, just for Jimbo. Then he comments, “Oh! I see it now. It’s a big brown turd.”

    Well, yes, sometimes it IS, but not as often as he seems to think.

    Comment by Dogette — May 24, 2007 @ 7:59 am

  11. You think he even has a monitor? Five bucks says he’s still using an original EMERAC.

    Comment by Erica — May 24, 2007 @ 9:48 am

  12. Nah, wouldn’t be an EMERAC — too many buttons and such to confuse him. Probably running an original IBM PC. He got some help setting it up, and hasn’t changed anything since.

    Comment by DMerriman — May 24, 2007 @ 10:30 am

  13. [...] has been some speculation that he’s not too techno-savvy, but this isn’t entirely true. He has a laptop of sorts and a Palm Pilot. Also, after a fair [...]

    Pingback by A Different Lemming » Blog Archive » Pots & Kettles — June 16, 2007 @ 1:42 pm

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