Updated to correct my use of the word “flow” when I should have said “floe.” I want to thank the commenter below for very gently bringing that to my attention. Nicely done.
A reader** asked if he could have the name, address and phone number of the Bridal Shop I wrote about here. He wanted to get in touch with the shopkeeper to see if she would be interested in selling his mother-in-law. Being astute in matters of commerce, the reader pointed out that he did not intend to try to sell his mother-in-law to the store for resale, but rather that he was willing to place her in the store on consignment.
I asked what kind of return he hoped to realize upon an eventual sale, assuming, arguendo, that someone would actually want buy a second-hand mother-in-law. Stressing that profit must sometimes take a backseat to intangible benefits, he indicated that he was not interested in making any money from the deal, but rather he just wanted to rid his sorry ass of her sorry ass. Indeed, he stated that he would be willing to pay a sizeable bonus to a willing buyer.
I declined to provide the requested information, because I feared that the shopkeeper might actually want to take him up on his offer, and that, once the public got wind of the possibilities of such an arrangement, the store would be deluged with mothers-in-law on consignment. This, in turn, would interfere with the store’s future selling of “shoe” and “bridesmates,” which would take away one of my sources of blogfodder.
OK, so I’m selfish, but I am not insensitive. As such, I am not happy about having to disappoint a reader, so I suggest the following as a possible alternative solution:
Take her sorry ass on a cruise to Alaska, and, when no one is looking, put her on an ice floe and push it in the direction of the open sea.
I really love the feel of a good idea.
** A person who is a member of a highly select group of intelligent, witty, creative, humorous, articulate, and talented people, with extremely discriminating taste in blogs. (Note to Tiger: Sometimes, although not often, a footnote is just right.)